Tomorrow morning at 4am we are leaving on our first road trip as a family of four. For those of you keeping track, that's a 20 hour road trip in a small SUV with two children under 2. All I can think is that maybe the sleep deprivation has finally gotten the best of us and we've lost it. Maybe this isn't even happening. Maybe I'm really in a padded room somewhere and this is all a dream.
Real or not, it's gonna happen on some level of existence, so I better get ready. Emily will be fine since she sleeps most of the day, anyway. Luke? Well, we bought a DVD player and have plans to stagger toys and activities so that he doesn't drive us crazy or freak out completely. We are going to stop in the Memphis area for an overnight rest. We're not completely insane, after all. If you are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter, you will be privy to our progress to the Chicagoland Area. Be prepared.
The point of this trip? We are getting Emily baptized in the church where M and I were married (as well as many of his relatives) and where Luke was baptized. We'll see family, have fun and I will get to go into the city to meet up with friends, both old and new. The best part? IT WON'T BE 100 FUCKING DEGREES EVERY DAY.
Everyone visits the Land of Someday. Someday I'll take a cruise. Someday I'll learn how to ski. Someday I'll lose that last ten pounds. It's natural to look ahead at what might be and daydream a little. I'm kind of afraid that I'm packing my bags and moving there permanently.
Maybe it's being on leave or the intense, hell-like heat, but I find myself living for Someday just to get through today. House hunting has become comical. When we open closets, things always, always fall out. Usually they fall on me. Our storage rental is so full that M and are are actually afraid to disturb it. I have given away so many clothes, toys and other things we really don't need and we still don't have enough room. So, what is so hard about finding a new damn house? I wish I knew. If we were in the market for a McMansion, complete with a pool and $600 per month a/c bill, we would be set. However, the market does not reward you for wanting a reasonably sized one story on a cul-de-sac. So, we live in the Land of Someday. Someday we'll have a bigger place. Someday we'll both be able to cook in the kitchen at the same time. Someday we'll be able to have more than two people over at a time.
If you don't live in that Land of Someday, you may live in the Land of Someday....with Children. My friend, Maura, likes to tease me with statements like, Someday the kids will take themselves to the bathroom. Someday, we will get to leave the house without children. Someday we won't have to pay for daycare.
As much as I need Someday to help me look ahead to better things, I don't want it to be my only residence. Are we crowded and grumpy? Yes. Do we still find time to appreciate what we have? Yes. Despite the extreme frustrations we have right now, I would never want to miss what's happening right in front of me. I would never want to miss Emily making funny faces or her first smiles and laughs, which she has just started to demonstrate.
I would ever want to miss Luke learning new words like flower and clock. I suppose that's why life as a parent is so examined. There is almost no way to explain how much I love my children and how words seem inadequate when I try to explain how that love surrounds M and I. So, in some ways, I think I get it. You need that Someday along with the present. The Someday is for survival and the present is to help you appreciate what is now.
Now, to show you that life isn't all self examination and gnashing of teeth, here is a video of Luke with a goat. Please notice how he grabs himself at the end. Just like a man.
It was four weeks ago that we we became a family of four and I feel like I am just emerging from the sleep deprived haze of having a newborn. Luke is staying in daycare while I am on leave, so every day it's just me and Emily. I thought I would get a lot more done than I have, but I was unprepared for the exhaustion of having a newborn all day and a 17 month old in the evenings. M has been great, as usual. He has taken on just as much as I have, aside from the nursing, of course. I'm usually too tired to say it, but I would never be able to do this without him.
I am also noticing a big difference in the treatment of child number two. With Luke, everything was examined, obsessed over and discussed. Now, it's all about whatever works. A little formula? Not a problem. Letting Emily fuss a little because I just can't get to her? She'll be ok. Putting the baby in the car seat to sleep? If it means I get a little more rest, then I'm all for it. People like to say that the second kid always gets jipped, and maybe there is some truth to that. I like to think that it has more to do with a more efficient use of limited resources.
If I was more eloquent I could write about what having two healthy children really means to me, but I'm no writer. Instead, I will just say that I am humbled daily by what we have been given. All of the craziness and all of the exhaustion is worth it. Especially when they are both asleep.
