Kicking You From The Inside

Update

2010-01-19T16:43:00.003-06:00

Hi! If you are just checking in I have moved my blog. Please leave a comment and I will send you think link. I hope you are having a great 2010 so far and I would love to keep in touch. I hope you'll visit me at my new "home" soon!

Leaving Home

2009-10-21T15:41:00.002-05:00

I've done quite a bit of thinking and I have decided to move my blog to a new place. I feel good about it and am really excited about my new "home". It's not going to password protected, but I am not going to post the link here. If you follow me on Twitter, I am posting the link there and if you are a Braces Buncher the link will be there, as well. Otherwise, please leave me a comment and I will send you the link. I really, really hope you will come and visit my new space!

Four Months

2009-10-12T10:30:00.004-05:00

The days seem to fly by in a blur. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I woke up this morning and realized that Emily will be 4 months old on Thursday

...and that Luke will be 20 months on the 25th.

How is it possible that in less than two years my life has changed so dramatically? People always told me that once you have children, it will be hard to imagine life without them. That's true, I suppose. It's hard to imagine my mornings without Curious George (thank God for PBS Kids) and Emily "talking" while I hurry to get ready. It's hard to imagine life without the haze of sleep deprivation. A part of me loves the advancement of time and the newness of each day, but another part wants it all to stop because it's just going way too fast.

Soon, we'll all be experiencing another type of change: a new house. We closed on a house at the end of September and will be moving in as soon as we replace some flooring and do some painting. The house hunting roller coaster of 2009 is over!! After months of looking and one contract that had to be canceled (stupid seller), we finally found a house, in a cul-de-sac and next to a park. Even though we are so cramped and very ready to move out of our current house, I know that M and I will have bittersweet feelings about leaving. We've spent our entire married life there and raised our kids (up to this point) there. It's time, though, and I think that we'll make wonderful memories in our new home.

Thanks so much for the comments about privacy in the blogging world. I really appreciate the thoughts. I'm still thinking about a switch to WP so I can protect certain posts, but I haven't made a final decision, yet. If you have made that switch, I would appreciate your thoughts on Blogger vs. Wordpress.

Goings On

2009-09-22T20:00:00.003-05:00

It's been a while, hasn't it? A lot has happened. We got a house, we lost it and now we're buying a different house. I've gone back to work and both kids are in a new school. All of that will have to wait, though, because I want to talk about my weekend.

Most weekends are full of this and that, errands and park visits, etc.. However, last Friday, I kissed my kids and husband goodbye and got on a plane headed to Minneapolis. I've been reading Matt's blog since I was on maternity leave with Luke. One day I stumbled upon a blog that was set up to collect items and donations for Matt and Maddy. In the last 16 months or so I have gotten to know some amazing people and have seen an idea turn into an organization that helps people in need.

On Saturday, the Liz Logelin Foundation had it's first official 5K Walk/Run at Lake Calhoun in Minneapolis. It was nice morning, and by nice I mean not already 90 degrees.

As the park filled up with people I saw first hand the power that Matt's story has wielded in the blogosphere.

It was a great turnout and despite the bugs who tried to eat us alive, we were able to raise a lot of money to help families who really need it.

After the walk, I hung out by the pool with some wonderful folks! You can't see me because I was hiding in the shade with the pale people.

That evening I may or may not have sung a lot of karaoke with this lovely lady.

Luckily, there aren't any photos of that......I hope.

Sunday, I put on a nice dress for the first time in...I can't remember.....and climbed the steps to the Calhoun Beach Club for The Liz Logelin Foundation Gala. It was the result of months of work, hours of donation solicitation and a lot of stress. It was worth the sleepless nights. There were some awesome auction items:

good things to eat

and wonderful new friends

The generosity of the people attending brought everyone to tears. Because of that generosity the foundation will be able to help several young families who have suffered the loss of a parent. There is still time to help. We are also having an online auction and it's going on right now. If you think you can help or want to get a jump start on your Christmas shopping, go here.

I've always admired Matt. Not only is he doing an amazing job as a single parent, but he took a horrible situation and made it into something positive. It's easy for me to get involved in my own life. It's easy to forget how lucky I am. This was just the reminder I needed.

Whatever Works

2009-07-13T13:59:00.004-05:00

It was four weeks ago that we we became a family of four and I feel like I am just emerging from the sleep deprived haze of having a newborn. Luke is staying in daycare while I am on leave, so every day it's just me and Emily. I thought I would get a lot more done than I have, but I was unprepared for the exhaustion of having a newborn all day and a 17 month old in the evenings. M has been great, as usual. He has taken on just as much as I have, aside from the nursing, of course. I'm usually too tired to say it, but I would never be able to do this without him.

I am also noticing a big difference in the treatment of child number two. With Luke, everything was examined, obsessed over and discussed. Now, it's all about whatever works. A little formula? Not a problem. Letting Emily fuss a little because I just can't get to her? She'll be ok. Putting the baby in the car seat to sleep? If it means I get a little more rest, then I'm all for it. People like to say that the second kid always gets jipped, and maybe there is some truth to that. I like to think that it has more to do with a more efficient use of limited resources.

If I was more eloquent I could write about what having two healthy children really means to me, but I'm no writer. Instead, I will just say that I am humbled daily by what we have been given. All of the craziness and all of the exhaustion is worth it. Especially when they are both asleep.

Roller Coaster

2009-06-22T12:19:00.010-05:00

We welcomed Emily Elizabeth into the world on June 15th! She weighed 7lbs 11ozs and was 20 inches long. She has a full head of dark, dark hair (like her dad) and seems so tiny! When she came out, Dr. T announced that he cord was wrapped around her neck twice, which scares the shit out of me. I'm so glad it was a planned c-section. Here she is!

M's mom came down to help and Luke seemed to do ok. He had moments where he seemed a little off, but he was quite a trooper. As soon as they could unhook me from all of the IVs, he came to visit and our little family was complete.

I checked out on Thursday and we headed home. Then, the roller coaster started.

Friday I noticed that my swelling, which got worse after Em was born, was not improving at all. I also noticed that when I took a nap it felt like there was a weight on my chest. I turned to Dr. Google, of course, and saw some things that convinced me I should call my OB. The on call Doctor told me to go to the ER. We left Luke with my MIL and M, Em, and I all went to the emergency room. As they took my vitals I nursed the baby in triage, convinced that this would be taken care of quickly. If only that were true.

M left because all of this was a little too much for Luke, so he took Em with instructions on how to feed her the formula. (I just want to say that I normally make fun of the formula samples that the companies give you when you leave the hospital, but never again). One hour passed, then two. They called me back, gave me a room and hooked me up to measure my heart rate and O2 levels. My O2 was fine, but my pulse was low. They gave me a CAT scan, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound on my legs to check for blood clots. In the mean time, my phone was dying. I left my charger in the maternity room and hadn't had a chance to fully charge it. I was alone, cold and cut off from the world. After receiving a diuretic, the ER Doctor came in and told me that I had some fluid around my lungs and it looked like everything I received post C-Section was just a little too much for my system to handle. Oh, and they were admitting me. It was something about my heart.

As soon as he left I burst into tears. I couldn't call M because there was ZERO signal in my ER room, so I waited and waited. There was no room on the maternity ward, so they took me to the general surgery floor. Around 1am I arrive in my shared room, next to a poor older lady who was obviously in a lot of pain and on a lot of pain killers. SHe talked in her sleep constantly with bits of conversation from her everyday life.

"Are you going to the mall? Sour cream."

All I could think of was that my little girl was at home without me. I should have been up feeding her, but I was in a freezing hospital room with someone who pooped the bed every half hour and had to have her sheets changed all night. Lights were coming on and off and even with the curtain drawn there was no chance of sleep. At about 3am I went to the nurse and told them I was checking myself out. The charge nurse told me that I could do that, but 1) insurance wouldn't pay and 2) they really needed the cardiologist to check me out. They wrote "congestive heart failure" on my chart. Congestive heart failure?? WHAT???

So I cried and waited until morning. When morning came I met my day nurse and begged her for answers. When will I see the OB? When will I see the cardiologist, AKA the only person who can sign me out? After two doses of diuretics I felt much, much better. M brought me a new charger and held me while I cried my eyes out. I missed home. I missed my children. I missed my brand new baby. No one could tell me when the Doctor would be there. God forbid anything happen to you on a weekend because no one seemed to give a shit. My friend Maura, who has twin girls of her own, took Luke for the morning so that M could visit and I will always be so grateful for her help. My MIL took Em and we are so lucky she was there. I just don't know what we would have done.

I saw the OB around 3pm Saturday and she said that she thought everything looked ok, but she wanted the cardiologist to rule out postpartum cardiomyopathy. It dawned on me that when I said my chest felt tight, they may have thought I meant pain, as in a heart attack symptom. Swollen ankles is another symptom, but I hadn't been passing out or having shortness of breath. At 5pm, as Luke and Emily were visiting (with Maura's help) the cardiologist finally came by and released me. He said that he didn't see anything wrong with the low pulse since it went up when I walked around. He thinks that it's normally low. I don't really know since the only time I've really monitored it was when I was pregnant.

Almost exactly 24 hours after I walked in to the ER, M came and got me and we headed home. There is nothing that will give you an appreciation for your life like an experience like that. Being apart from my newborn was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've never really liked roller coasters and getting up for night feedings is all that I need in the way of excitement at the moment. Breastfeeding is right back on track and out family is intact once again. The swelling hasn't gone completely from my ankles, but it's much more normal. I am making more of an effort to put my feet up and appreciate this time at home. Life is good and I am trying to enjoy every minute of it.

(If you have ever had a postpartum experience with swelling or anything like that, let me know. I would be interested to hear what you were told by your Doctor...)

Four Years

2009-05-20T07:58:00.006-05:00

M and I have been married four years. There has been a lot of change in those four years, but I am always glad that I have someone like M by my side. I've seen friends deal with some major issues this year, and it made me realize how important it is to have a partner who is truly your partner. I know that having children has added another dimension to our relationship. We aren't just smug marrieds, we're survivors of 3am feedings, stomach flu and diaper disasters.

I don't know how it will be with two children, but I hope we can always remember who we were on May 20, 2005. It seems like a lifetime ago, but I can't wait to experience the lifetime we have ahead of us. I love you so much, sweetie!

Mother's Day Revamp

2009-05-08T10:10:00.006-05:00

I always feel a little bit conflicted about Mother's Day. It's not something that sprang from infertility. It started much earlier than that. I have a distinct memory from my childhood of my mother angrily doing dishes and saying to us, "Well, Happy Mother's Day to me!" I didn't understand why she wasn't happy with the cards that my brother and I made for her and I still don't understand why my father didn't make more of an effort to make her feel special so that her young children didn't have to feel guilty about not doing enough. Of course, I'm not sure anything could have made my mother happy.

These are the memories that come to me when M asks me what I want for Mother's Day. I would be happy with just a card or a nice day together as a family. I'm happy to be a mom every day. M really does make an effort to let me know I'm appreciated and not just once a year. I guess that's my beef with"greeting card holidays". Why can't we make the effort to appreciate each other all of the time?

That being said, maybe Mother's Day should be used as a day of reflection. I read an article online that really made me think. I freely admit that I have fallen victim to the worrying mom syndrome. I look at Luke and instead of seeing a beautiful boy, I see a slow teether who is almost 15 months and still won't pick up and eat anything that isn't a cracker-type thing or a cheerio and still eats a lot of jarred food. Worry, worry, worry. Why can't I focus on the fact that he's perfectly healthy, speaks a hand full of words, loves books and loves to run? Not only are we afraid of how others will judge us, but we are our own worst critics. It's natural to want to protect your kids from everything, but have we gone too far? If you have time, read this commentary. I don't agree 100% with the philosophy, but I do think that she has a point. We judge other moms and dads too much. I'm not talking about the decisions that can cause real harm to a child, but the ones about diet and TV and toys. If, with all of the information that's out there, a parent makes a decision that's different than the one you would have made, then so be it. I am just as bad as anyone when it comes to this kind of thing, but I am going to try to be better.

Motherhood has changed a lot in the last 50 years. We are older, we struggle more to conceive, more of us work outside the home and all of us feel the pressure to be superwoman. I propose that this Mother's Day, whether you are currently a mom, trying to be one, or will soon be one, take this day to appreciate yourself. Take Sunday as a day to forgive yourself and others for decisions that you may have questioned. Look around you and appreciate what you have and hope that it will get even better!

The Good and The Frustrating

2009-05-01T09:14:00.005-05:00

First, the good.

I have become involved with a wonderful organization through a blog that I, and many of you out there, read. It has been a wonderful and challenging experience to see a non-profit go from just an idea to a full-fledged organization. (BTW, if any of you would like to help out with organizing future fundraisers or if you just have a good idea, let me know). A few weeks ago I started getting packages in the mail from some of these lovely ladies (and one man) with the instruction to wait until the 25th to open. It turns out, they planned a surprise virtual shower for me and the baby girl! Luke was more than happy to help me open gifts.

He tolerated modeling the cute outfits for a while....

....but had more fun inspecting the clothes and stealing the bows.

I was so touched by everyone's kindness. It has been an honor and a blessing getting to know all of you!

Yesterday, I had my 32 week OB appointment. Yes, already 32 weeks. The bonus was that we got a 3D ultrasound. Baby Girl was snuggled into the placenta and chewing on the cord, which freaks me out a little bit. We really couldn't get a great shot of her face, but managed to get one pretty good picture:

Everything is going well and my blood pressure continues to be good, so I am hoping it stays that way! None of my issues cropped up until 36 weeks with Luke, so that will be the next hurdle.

Now, the frustrating. Many of you gave really good advice about house hunting when I wrote my last post. We actually found a house that we really liked. At least, I thought "we" did. The house itself was in excellent condition, had the floor plan we wanted, and a HUGE kitchen. I was in love. The only drawback was that it was on a corner, but it was in the neighborhood and the corner had a four-way stop. We made a second visit, M took photos, we got our financing in order and then later that night M said he didn't want to put in an offer. He was too afraid to live on a corner. I have to admit, I was crushed. If he had just said that the corner location was a deal killer from the beginning, we would have moved on. It isn't that he didn't want the house, it's that he acted like he did and I got my hopes up. I thought for sure we had an excellent chance of getting into a great house before the baby comes. We are at a stand still. Limited by our many requirements, there are no houses on the market for us to see. That's it. I know that others will eventually come up, at least I hope so. In the mean time, I have that overwhelming feeling that I am drowning in worries.

When I open up cabinets, things fall out. (Yes, I have reorganized and given things away. Lots of things.) We have a very full storage room that costs us an insane amount of money each month. What's in there? Well, among other things, wedding gifts from almost FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO that we were never able to unpack because we didn't have room, even then. My mother-in-law is coming in to help and I have no idea where she is going to stay when I get out of the hospital. I guess we'll be on the pull-out with the baby in the living room.

People tell me not to worry and that we will survive. Yes, we will survive. Yes, there are worse problems to have, for sure. We are healthy, we are employed and we are ok. I am trying really hard not to be a crybaby about this. This isn't a Disney movie, though, and as much as I would like to believe that the field mice will come in and help me try to organize everything, it isn't going to happen. Certain things will have to be worked out and it's really overwhelming. I just wish I wasn't dreading my maternity leave because of this. I think I am going have to get out of the house hunting business, for now. It's too hard and too disappointing. I am trying to focus on the positive, although I admit I am kind of sucking at it right now. Every day will get better, though, and something will come up. I hope.

Reaching Out and Searching

2009-04-17T08:27:00.004-05:00

I think a lot of the blogging world is still in shock and still thinking about the Spohr family. At least, I am. Heather once wrote about what you can do for parents of preemies who are still in the NICU. I am thinking about getting some parental survival bags together in honor of Maddie. You can find that post here.

Other suggestions specifically for the Spohr family can be found here. When I started this blog it felt really odd to reach out to someone I had never spoken to or met, but I've come to realize the power of a "stranger" and how it can really mean a lot that someone across the country is thinking of you. I hope Heather and Mike are gaining a little comfort from all of our thoughts and prayers.

Meanwhile, as I hug Luke a little tighter, life goes on. We are house hunting in earnest, now. We have a loan approval good for 90 days and have been searching for the right home. I was always an apartment dweller before M and I got married and have never been through this process. I am trying not to panic. I was 30 weeks yesterday and we have a very small two bedroom house that M bought when he was single. We've stayed there because it is almost paid off and the mortgage is low. As usual, we've waited too long to start this process and now I have the sensation that the walls are closing in on me. I don't need a mansion, I just need more space. House hunting in this area is complicated by hurricanes. What is the elevation of the property? Was it damaged during Ike? If it's near the water, will the insurance be too expensive?

My friend, Teal, made the comment that nothing will take you down faster than stress. It's true, and I really try to focus on what is important. We have a house, we are trying to be very careful with our money, we are both working and we aren't struggling financially like so many others. When my blood pressure creeps up, which is has been doing a little bit, lately, I go back to my yoga breathing and try to remember that people have had babies under much worse circumstances. We are all healthy and we have each other.

I guess this is what goes into such a big purchase. I just try to keep telling myself to have some faith - things will work out. Everything will be ok, right?

Remember

2009-04-08T08:12:00.012-05:00

Update:

If you haven't already, you can visit Heather Spohr's blog here. The site crashed because of all of the visitors. If you would like to donate to the March of Dimes or donate to the family to help with expenses, you can go here for all of the information you might need. This is a reminder that the March of Dimes provides a valuable service to parents who have preemies and need help wading through the maze of confusing information. Support is so important when you feel you are alone, and even though I have (thankfully) not had to experience a preemie birth first hand, I think we all know someone who has. Tomorrow (Tuesday, April 14th) the Spohr family has asked that we all wear purple to honor Maddie. Even if you never heard of the Spohrs before now, I hope you will put on a little purple in honor of Maddie and all babies who come into the world a little early.

Speaking of good causes, another foundation that is near and dear to my heart will be getting some publicity today. Matt is going to be on Oprah TODAY for her show honoring outstanding fathers! If you can, watch it or tape it. I'm sure Matt will be sporting his unique fashion sense and Madeline will be as cute as ever!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was going to post about how crazy life has been, lately. House hunting, house selling, child raising, pregnancy and school were all topics that took up my every day life. As I sat down to check my Twitter account this morning, I read the devastating news about Maddie Spohr. Many of us learned that many of the things you take for granted in life are gifts. I don;t take for granted that getting married = having a baby on your time line. Now, I realize that taking a healthy child for granted is just as foolish. I never think about whether Luke's next cold will mean a hospital stay or if a stomach bug will put him in ICU. I so take for granted that he will get over his sniffles and other small ailments that come and go. Yet, for so many families, every sniffle and cough is a cause for real concern. My heart breaks for the Spohrs. I can't imagine having to leave the hospital without my baby. I can't imagine coming home to a child's room that is filled with toys but missing laughter.

I'll always try to remember how lucky I am.

You can donate to Maddie's March of Dimes fund here.

Giving and Receiving

2009-03-18T10:08:00.004-05:00

Luke's first birthday party went very well! My parents alone with a friend and her daughter came over to celebrate. I was glad that we kept things small. I think it made everything a lot more fun. Luke didn't really go for the cake, although he did taste the icing. I am more and more convinced that he really likes the most bland food you can buy. (That's funny since I lived on Indian when I was pregnant.)

We all know about receiving advice and how annoying it can be. When I was trying to get pregnant I wanted to hurt anyone who started a sentence with, "Have you tried...." Now that I have a child, it doesn't stop. There is always someone willing to offer their opinion about what or how to do things. Sometimes, advice and judgment meld together in a messy lump. You aren't potty training? He still eats baby food? He isn't solving differential equations, yet?

I've been thinking a lot about this, lately, because I have come to realize that some people view information sharing as advice/judgment. I try to be really careful about what Luke eats and plays with. I check labels, I do research and I'm not a big fan of giving juice to a one year old. I'm certainly not perfect and Luke ate some dirt the other day, which is not on the food plan, but I do the best I can. I have friends who are of the same mind. We exchange information about recalls, chemicals in toys, new labeling laws and anything else that might be useful. I especially rely on the blog world for input, as you have probably noticed. I also have friends who don't approach their parenting in the same way. Well, they are pretty much the opposite. It does bother me sometimes if I feel like the child will ultimately suffer, but unless the child might really be in danger or I am asked, I just stay out of it.

I have one friend who asks for information or advice and then resents getting it. I think she feels really guilty about her choices in life and doesn't know how to process that. I don't think she's a bad parent or a bad person, but I really don't know how to deal with her anymore. I've tried to be really aware of how I answer her questions, but no approach seems to work. This isn't just directed at me. She acts this way towards others as well. It has made me examine the question of whether I can be friends with someone whose approach to parenting (especially discipline) is so very different from mine.

Do you welcome advice or input from trusted friends or would you just have people leave you alone completely? Have you ever had to end a friendship because, as parents, you were just too different?

One Year

2009-02-25T09:01:00.002-06:00

One year ago we were introduced to our little man.

Those first few weeks/months are still a blur. Through the hormones and the worry, I remember being in awe of the little person that would be a part of our lives forever.

He has been the greatest joy to us and I am grateful every day that we were given this gift. Thank you for coming into our lives, Luke. We love you very, very much!

Toothache

2009-02-18T08:29:00.007-06:00

I am not good about going to the dentist. By "not good" I mean I haven't gone in years. Yes, I know that's not smart, but don't worry. I've learned my lesson. Last week I was having some tooth pain and I though that maybe it was really just sinus pain since my allergies have kicked into high gear lately. When it got worse I had to break down and go. One small x-ray later (yes, I wore the vest) the verdict was root canal. This would be bad enough, except when you are pregnant, it becomes a bit more complicated. You can't be sedated and your pain medication options are much more limited. Also, you have to take frequent breaks because you can't be on your back for long periods of time. The dentist really seemed like he was on top of the whole dental work while pregnant thing, so I felt ok about it. I went in at 1pm and got out at 4pm. With all of the breaks and the fact that the tooth in question is one of my very back molars, it took 3 full hours. I made an appointment to get my teeth cleaned before I left the office.

I feel like an idiot. It's really my own fault for not going to the dentist more often, but the pain I am feeling right now has scared me straight. So, make me feel better. Tell me your dental nightmares. The stories will go well with my liquid diet.

On a happier note, I was given the Honest Scrap award by Delenn!

Here are the rules:
Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
Show the winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with “Honest Scrap.” There’s no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon.

List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
The list:

1. Although I brush and floss twice a day, I have not been to the dentist in ten years. Yes, I am stupid.

2. My mom and I have never had a good relationship and I'm afraid I won't know how to be a good mom to a daughter.

3. I really wish I could go back to teaching, but I don't think I could be a good parent and handle the stress of the classroom...... or the crappy pay.

4. I would eat Indian food every day if I could.

5. There are times when I wish I could escape my life for just a few days, but I know I would just end up missing my husband and son too much.

6. I am compiling lists of information and instructions for my husband in case something happens to me during my C-section.

7. I really, really, really miss my friend, Teal. I know she hated Houston, but I wish she lived closer.

8. I am really afraid that breastfeeding won't be any easier this time.

9. I used to think that people who made friends over the internet were weird. However, in the past few months I have have made some really great friends online. I'm glad I was wrong.

10. I would have a hard time living without my iPhone.

Ok, I officially tag/award:

Danielle
Darcy
Teal
Kate
Christa
Courtney
Marissa

Get to it, Ladies!! In the mean time, I am going to go and pick up the Girl Scout cookies I ordered. I can't believe they came in today. I am so hungry and tired of drinking my meals. The cruelty of it all!!!

Resolved With More Questions

2009-02-10T09:10:00.005-06:00

The sippy cup saga came to a successful close! After just a few nights of fussing about the new formula distribution system, we are officially done with bottles!!! Ms. K was right - after one week he was done. I did cheat a little a first and cut an extra slit in the nozzle to improve the flow, but gave Luke the unaltered version this weekend and he was fine with that. Now when I open up the kitchen cabinet I see the wasted remains of the battle. There were three types that I tried at various points along the way. All were failures.

Finally, this is the kind that worked. Many of you mentioned the Nuby brand cups. Is that what you were talking about?

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and advice. It really helped. It's one of the reasons I love the support system of the blogging world. You're not done yet, though.

My next question is about food. Luke is a slow teether (he only has 2) so I have been slow with giving him finger foods, which was probably not a good move. He will eat Cheerios, puffs, crackers, etc.. until he pops, but his real nutrition is still coming from jarred food and formula. I have tried giving him pieces of bananas, which he likes purred, and avocados. However, as soon as he touches it, he gets grossed out. The squishiness is unappealing to him. Next week I am going to try pasta and see how that goes. I want to really start giving him a wider variety of food because in a few weeks he'll be off of formula and won't be getting those extra vitamins. Has anyone else come across this? Suggestions? Solutions?

There are a few blogger that I would love for you to visit, if you have the time. Cibele is having a really hard time right now. Her daughter is very sick with RSV and she will be in the hospital for a few more days. It's been a really tough road for her since Lyla was born. Please go over and offer some support.

Aunt Becky is also facing a really scary situation with her newborn daughter. Just two weeks after she was born she is going to have a cyst on her brain removed. Please go and let her know you're thinking of her.

Lastly, JJ and Mook welcomed Oliver into the world! JJ is one of those special people that puts in extra time to make sure we all feel connected. I have gotten so much encouragement and support from the Braces Bunch group that she organized and I couldn't be more thrilled for her. Congrats!!!!

Bottles, Cups and Confusion

2009-02-03T09:20:00.003-06:00

Just when I think I've hit my stride as a parent, I feel like another milestone (or lack thereof) sticks out of the ground and trips me. Bedtime has become very smooth and without any problems. Luke gets his bottle, I brush his teeth and then we put him in the crib while he's still awake. We don't hear from him again until morning. Now, it's the sippy cup saga. His teacher at school, who I trust, suggested that we start to really work on transitioning him away from the bottle. Let me say, first, that she was not at all pushy and was willing to go along with whatever we wanted. She's right, though. Luke does drink water from his cup, but not his formula. I had visions of friends whose 3 year olds would not give up their bottles and I decided that we should go for it. So, we began. He hates it. He'll take a few sips, but ends up crying. I think it's because of the flow rate. He probably has to work harder with the sippy. Then I hear people talking about straw cups. Should I try that instead? I am lost and torn. I think he can do this, but isn't there a solution that doesn't involve fighting your screaming child?

I am not the kind of parent who caves in at every little protest, but I am also not a parent who thinks that you should force your child into a transition that they may not be ready for. Maybe I need new tools? I know that this will all work out. I know that he's not going to be asking for his "baba" in Kindergarten, but I also know that there are developmental windows when certain transitions are more easily accomplished. Any and all thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

In the mean time, I leave you with a short video of Luke's audition for Aerosmith. Watch out, Steven Tyler.

What Is It?

2009-01-27T09:05:00.005-06:00

We had our anatomy scan and.......it's a GIRL!! They guessed as much at the 13 week scan, but they also told us not to go out and buy any pink just yet. This ultrasound was definite, though, and we are going to have a little girl. Everything looked great, which was a relief. After all of the sickness I was a little worried. I would have been happy either way, but I feel very fortunate to have one of each and I will feel even better once she's out and in my arms.

The other exciting thing that happened, besides the inauguration, was that M bought me one of these:

I've never had anything but a "normal" cell phone, so this is a major upgrade. It involved changing carriers, but after asking some friends (thanks Danielle and Karyn) I was convinced that the benefits far outweighed the drawbacks. This thing is so cool I can hardly stand it. What other device will allow you to check your e-mail, Twitter, get on Facebook AND make fake fart noises? Also, I'm pretty sure that this thing is smarter than I am.

I am in love with my phone and I am not ashamed to say it.

Do Something Good

2009-01-19T08:38:00.002-06:00

Maybe it's the fact that CNN has turned into the 24 hour Inauguration Channel, but I feel a sense of excitement in the air. Not only has optimism returned, but a sense that we should all try to give back and do something good for our environment, our fellow human being and our world. I think about this a lot and I wonder: How? How am I supposed to give back when I can barely handle my own life most days? I would love to work at a woman's shelter or serve food at a soup kitchen, but I just can't right now. Do you feel the same way? I think this is where the internet becomes so valuable.

I know that many of you read Matt's blog. After a lot of planning and some hard work by a lot of people, the Liz Logelin Foundation has been established to help widows and widowers, with children, who may need financial help after the death of a spouse. Other than Matt's blog, I really have no personal experience with widowhood or losing a parent. I think what touches me about this story is the fact that Matt decided to use the recognition that his blog received and turn it into a way to give back. I can't think of a better way to honor anyone's memory than to turn their death into something that helps people.

How can you get involved? First of all, check out the website! There is also a group on Facebook, so if you haven't already joined, please do. You can check back here for some exciting activities that are going to be launched next month. Lastly, of course, you can donate money. Don't think about donating a lot, just think about what you are able to give. Are you debating whether or not to make a trip to the vending machine or to Starbucks? How about clicking on the PayPal link at the foundation's website and donating the money there? There is no amount that's too small and it will go to people who really need it.

Tomorrow is the beginning of something that will change this world for the better. I hope we can all work to make sure that change finds it's way into all of our lives.

Survivorwoman

2009-01-09T10:39:00.003-06:00

2009 started with a call from daycare telling me that Luke had thrown up twice that day. Although it's nice to not be the only one in my household who is puking, I felt sorry for my poor little man. He had a fever and wasn't really keeping any food down. M and I switched off on sick baby duty for two days and he soon got better. I took him back to daycare today and it turns out that two of his classmates were out because of the same thing. Well, what makes us throw up will ultimately make us stronger, right?

I've been feeling a little scattered lately and I think it's because I've let my life become a sort of disorganized exercise in barely controlled chaos. There are no plans, other than surviving. That's fine in the short term, but ultimately I need some sort of order. I want to start living my life again. I've decided to try to do a few things to help:

1. Plan meals every week. This is mostly for M, since what I feel like eating varies from day to day, but it should help the nightly "I don't know, what do you want?" dinner routine.

2. Have some planned activities on the weekend. Luke is not at the age where he wants to be more interactive with everyone and everything. I'm going to try to plan some outings to museums or just take more walks.

3. Make more lists. This sounds really anal retentive, but I really need something to help me remember that I am completely out of laundry detergent, for instance.

I know that there are a lot of you that have tips for me on this sort of thing. Please, share. Please.

It Is Well

2008-12-29T11:46:00.004-06:00

2008 has seemed like a long year. I suppose it's because of the change that has entered my life and the realization that the change will continue in 2009. I don't know about you, but I feel exhausted from all of it. I am so grateful for the birth of Luke and for the new friends I have made, but I am also eager to start a new year.

Christmas was good. M's mom made it in from Chicago without being stuck in the mess of the winter storms and it was nice having two grandmothers there. My brother seems to be doing ok and he was really great with Luke. He even tried to start guitar lessons.

In baby news, the NT scan went well. Everything looks good, although the baby was moving around a lot and we had to wait a little bit for the measurements. They gave us a preliminary guess about the gender, but we'll have to wait until January 22nd to know for sure. I was just relieved that everything looked good.

Something sort of odd happened this morning. I haven't needed the Zofran lately (thank goodness) but when I got up I got sick right away. I drank some water and as I was making Luke's bottles for the day, I started feeling like I was going to pass out. I have never fainted in my life, so when everything started going dark around the edges I got really scared. I lay down on the couch and then had to get up and run to the bathroom where threw up the water I just sipped. I did take some meds and feel much better now. Has anything like that ever happened to you? I know that pregnant people sometimes faint, but usually it's from getting up to fast, isn't it? Could I have a blood sugar issue? Any thoughts are appreciated.

Other that that random occurrence, things are really good. I have an old hymn running through my head this morning - "It is Well With My Soul". I hope that everyone finds some peace in their souls in 2009.

85 or Pregnant?

2008-12-17T09:31:00.004-06:00

If you came into my house and looked through my cabinets you would be confused.

Benefiber
Colace
Prune Juice???

Are you 33 or 85? Well, lately, I have felt 85. My digestive system has come to a complete stand still. Complete. I don't want to get into too many details, but never let it be said that I was too embarrassed to ask the 16 year old "manager" at Walgreens to open up the locked display of stool softeners and laxatives. (Seriously, why is it locked? Do these things tend to walk off? Are they trying to cut down on the number of ex-lax pranks?) I would much rather be having a glass of wine, but prune juice does look like a nice red when you pour it into a wine glass.

Other than that, things seem to be progressing well. I have my NT scan tomorrow and I am looking forward to seeing the baby again. I am a little nervous and hoping that everything is ok. Luckily, the coming insanity of the holidays is keeping me distracted. My MIL will be flying in from the great state of Illinois on Monday and we will travel to my parents house near Austin to celebrate the holiday. It will be a little different this year. The pending divorce of my brother will be on everyone's mind, I think, but hopefully Luke will be able to cheer everyone.

We didn't go too crazy with presents this year. Texas has not felt the crunch that other states have, but we are trying to be really careful, anyway. I had a minor panic attack when I thought about paying two daycare tuitions, but with the need for a new house, we still need the small amount of income I do bring in after paying for daycare. I know that we are very fortunate, though, which is why we have decided to really try to tighten our belts in case the worse happens.

If you aren't feeling the crunch economically, are you still being careful this year? I was curious about what others are doing in this economy.

Santa, Fevers and Snow

2008-12-11T08:17:00.007-06:00

When I imagined having kids, I never really thought that much about Christmas. That seems strange, I know, since it's such a kid-centered holiday, but I never went and saw Santa when I was growing up, so it just didn't really enter my mind that there was a whole list of traditions that we are now obligated to participate in and, of course, document with photos. My company has its own Christmas fair and one of our employees plays Santa. It's a nice way to avoid the mall crowds. M and I took bets on how Luke would handle it. He did ok. He wasn't thrilled, but he didn't freak out. He was sceptical, though.

When I picked Luke up and out of his crib on Monday morning he felt hot. So, I dug out the thermometer and, sure enough, he had a fever. Not just any fever, his first fever. Combined with a cough that seemed to be getting worse, we took him to Dr. I for a little visit. Of course, there was only one Doctor there with a room full of walk-ins, but Luke did pretty well. Three hours later, we had a diagnosis of the very beginning of an ear infection and a scrip for some mild antibiotics. M stayed home with Luke since he has much more sick leave than I do and sent updates to my e-mail. Here he is, passed out on the floor after playing.

He was back at daycare today and very glad to see all of his friends, I'm sure. Everyone survived the first sickness. Only being sick once in nine months is pretty good for a baby. Hopefully, we can keep him healthy - at least until Christmas.

Last night we had the rare opportunity to see snow falling in our back yard. You may be confused because if you look to the right you will see that I am in Houston. Well, it snowed in Houston. It was nice to play Christmas music and actually see snow falling. Of course, M had to take some photos of our deck.....

...and there was just enough to make a little snowman.

Life is good. Luke is better, it snowed in Houston, and Zofran if allowing me to live a normal life again - puke free. What more could I ask for??

Clueless

2008-12-03T15:52:00.003-06:00

Thanksgiving was a success. All of the food came out well and no one was poisoned. I did , however, manage to burn and cut the same finger. Injuries aside, everyone had fun and it was a really nice day. I'm not really feeling better so I'm going to ask for meds on Friday. I hate to do it, but I need some relief, you know?

When I was a teacher I heard this phrase at least once a day:

"You'll understand when you have kids."

It drove me nuts. I was usually complaining about a parents overreaction (in my opinion) to something and wished that everyone would just relax. I remembered this when I came home a few weeks ago and M said, "I wish you had been there because I never know how to react to these things." Luke's hand had a perfect set of teeth marks on it. According to the incident sheet, Luke grabbed a toy from another child and wouldn't let go, so he bit him. They said that Luke likes to play with the older (1 year old) boys. These boys have more than two teeth. I really didn't think it was that big of a deal, which surprised me. I always thought I was more of the freak out parent, but I actually chuckled. He was fine, the kids can't talk, the teacher felt terrible and the mom even stayed to apologize to M.

Yesterday, I got a call from daycare telling me that Luke fell and bumped his head. "It's a pretty big lump - maybe you should come and look at it." Being obsessive, first-time parents, M and I both went (we work very close to daycare) and it was a pretty big lump with a little scratch. He was standing on the other side of the exer-saucer and fell and bumped his head on the room divider. He has much more strength than coordination these days, so I wasn't surprised. It was the afternoon and he was so happy to see us that we took him home and played with him for the rest of the day for "observation".

The thing is, I don't worry about him bumping his head as much as I worry about the future. Maybe I should be more worried about direct physical threats, but, as hard as I try, I can't obsess about every little thing. I worry about the bigger issues. Will he be happy? Will I be able to keep him from a diet of 100% junk food? The minor head bumps seem small in comparison to the general life issues that worry me. Of course, these are the things that I really can't control.

I guess I feel that as long as we are a family unit, we can deal with any bumps and bruises that come along. I know that is incredibly naive, but I am ok with it. It helps me sleep at night.

Another Graduation Day

2008-11-24T12:19:00.003-06:00

I had the last appointment with Dr. Fast today which included a wanding and a peek at the newest member of our family. He/she seemed to be moving around happily and everything looked good. I was especially happy to see a nice looking spine. I've been a little worried. With Luke, I took prenatal vitamins for a looooong time. This time, I let my prescription lapse b/c my prescription plan doesn't cover the fancy ones I take and they're $50 a month. Maybe it's just guilt. I've been taking even fancier pills this time. (By the way, putting the DHA pill in the freezer to reduce the fish taste is only minimally effective.) The morning sickness is better, although it can still rear it's ugly head when least expected. Overall, I don't feel as debilitated. I think the end is near. I am still only eating soup, which seems to be fine since I seem to be gaining weight quite well.

I feel a little numb about all of this. As we were waiting for Dr. Fast to see us, I overheard a woman talking to the receptionist about her bill. She was trying to sort out a payment that included a cancelled IUI and other unpleasantness. I heard all of this and felt grateful because we were probably the luckiest people in the waiting room, but a big part of me feels overwhelmed. Not ungrateful, just a little bit unready for what lies ahead. This train is bound for glory, as the spiritual goes, so there's no stopping it now.

Because of the shuttle mission, we will be staying in town this year. That means everyone is coming to our very tiny house for Thanksgiving. M's niece is coming in from Tulane and my parents and brother are driving in from Austin. I have never in my life baked a turkey. I know it's not that hard, and I am a decent cook, but I am still a little afraid of poisoning everyone. I may not even feel like eating my own cooking, though, so I might be the only well one left if poisoning occurs. We'll just call it a safety precaution.

Survival

2008-11-17T15:00:00.002-06:00

Through all of this I try to focus on two things 1) sickness must mean a healthy pregnancy, 2) I can survive this. Surviving is the state I am in right now. I get up, go to work, come home, go to bed. All of the stuff in between (except for time with Luke) has gone to the wayside. There are days when I feel ok and then days when I can barely function. I think that the fact that I had very little morning sickness last time is making this seem worse than it really is. In the mean time, I have soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Not exactly brain food for the baby, but it stays down so it will have to do. The second ultrasound is one week from today and that is certainly something to look forward to. There is a still a big part of me that can't believe this is actually happening. Of course, it's easier to believe when I'm kneeling next to the the toilet and feeling like shit.

I want to bring to everyone's attention a project that I think is very worth while. As many of you know, Matt has been the recipient of much kindness from ~~strangers~~ friends who have sent their love, good wishes, and lots of toys to Madeline. He came up with a wonderful way to give back. Please go here for details or click on the icon to the right. Times are tough for a lot of people right now and it can be a charity overload during the holidays, but anything you can do will make a big difference to someone who really needs a little cheer.

A Bad Mommy tagged me for this meme:

1. Real Moms don’t flinch when they talk about boobs. They do make you laugh your brains out.

2. Real moms go on vacation. Real moms go on vacation and learn to play traffic cop.

3. Real moms brag about their kids

3. Real moms do not mince words when they present the truth.

4. Real moms juggle

5. Real moms “resist the guilt and embrace the journey”

6. Real moms don’t give a damn to media generated Mommy Wars

7. Real moms have kids with potty mouths.

8. Real moms need a break sometimes.

Thank you for all of the support and suggestions. It really helps to remember that I am a part of a larger community. Oh, and this smiling face helps, too.

New Path

2008-11-05T12:58:00.002-06:00

Everything looked good today at the RE. I am measuring right on target at 7 weeks and we measured a heartbeat of 132. I left with a bag full of fancy new prenatal vitamins and a much greater sense of confidence in this pregnancy. I have to say that the NP I have been seeing is wonderful and I really appreciate the extra time she takes to answer my questions. So, we look towards a due date of 6/24/09.

The morning sickness is still pretty bad. I am nauseous most of the day, except for about 30 minutes after I eat. I am going to take B6 to see if that helps. Has anyone out there tried that? Any other suggestions are very welcome.

In other news, North Carolina was wonderful. I have never been to that part of the country and was amazed at the beauty. We were in the Lake Lure area. Fall was in full swing and the cool temps were a welcome change.

We stayed at a place that was sort of a compound with several houses you could rent.
Our cabin was so cute and had a little fireplace. It also had a TV so that I could see my Red Raiders beat UT. ::awesomesauce::

Teal was a beautiful bride!

M worked really hard to take some wonderful photos. The river photos will be amazing and totally worth the trouble of getting out to the rocks.

It was really nice to get away. We missed Luke terribly, but he was fine with my parents. He was really clingy yesterday, as if he didn't notice we were gone until we got back. He was back to his normal self today, though. It feels good to be together again.

I will post the u/s picture as soon as I scan it and I'll do the meme that A Bad Mommy tagged me to do.

Leaving Home

2008-10-31T10:59:00.005-05:00

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and encouragement. I am anxious about the ultrasound on Wednesday morning but I am going to try to stay positive. The few hormones I do have are kicking my ass right now and I am taking the nausea and loss of appetite as a good sign.

Tomorrow M and I are leaving for a wedding. Actually, it's two friends marrying each other. I take full credit for the set-up, by the way. It will be really lovely, but we are leaving Luke at home. My parents are driving in from Austin and will be taking care of Luke for the weekend. I know that he will be fine, but this is going to be so hard. I've never left him for more than a few hours and it is KILLING me already. This is probably good for us, though, and a little extra sleep in te morning will be very welcome.

Even so, it will be hard to leave this face behind:

Please go over and offer Teal congratulations and blessings for a long and happy marriage! I love it when two wonderful people get married. It makes things seem right in the world.

I Am Legend

2008-10-29T13:30:00.004-05:00

About a week ago I realized that I was late. It didn't really bother me since my cycles have been slightly longer lately, but with the same late ovulation and short luteal phase. I had one lonely little pregnancy test left over from those days and decided it might be sort of liberating to POAS, get a negative, and be ok with that. Except for one thing. It wasn't negative. I stared at that stick for what seemed like an eternity. This has to be some sort of fucking joke, I thought to myself. When I told M he just looked at me like I just started speaking Chinese. Several hours and three positive tests later I was in my OB's office getting a blood draw.

After calling several times for my results I realized why it was so frustrating. At the RE's office, every pregnancy is a miracle. At the regular OBs office, you're just another woman who's knocked up. When I finally got a nurse on the phone I found out that my beta was good (1900) but my progesterone was really, really low (8.9). I don't know if anyone has ever taken progesterone troches, but they dissolve in your mouth and it's not fun. Three times a day I would have to have this square piece of peppermint flavored yuck between my cheek and gums. Then the spotting started, anyway. I called my OB begging for suppositories and she said that I needed to go back to the RE.

This morning I went to Dr. Fast's office. I have to admit that I am more comfortable there. The quiet waiting room and the attention you get is a nice change from the OB's office. (I really do love my OB, though) I was questioned, more blood was taken, and then I had a date with my old friend the dildo cam. I kept telling myself that whatever happened, it would be ok. We weren't even planning this. There is something in there, for sure, but it may be too early to see a heartbeat. The Dr. showed me a flicker that looked like a heart was trying to start, but he insisted that given my late ovulation date, it was too early.

I feel numb. I am in shock. Luke is 8 months old. This was supposed to be hard for us, and now that it has happened without conscientiously planning it, I am very cautious. I don't think I'll be able to really acknowldege this until I see a steady, measurable heart beat. Am I one of those urban legends of pregnancy? I don't know, but I am scared and definitely freaked out.

I am keeping this on the DL for right now, as you can probably understand. If you know me in "real life" or on facebook, please keep in mind that I really don't plan on telling my family or in-person friends for quite a while.

Thanks for listening.

Up and Almost Running

2008-10-20T19:21:00.005-05:00

*children mentioned with Photos*

We had to get a baby gate. Luke's crawling and determination to escape have gotten to be too much, so he is now trapped in his room. Don't feel too badly, though, his room is pretty cool. Already he is pulling himself up on the gate and I can just tell that his little mind is trying to figure out how to get that thing open.

This kind of change seems gradual to me. Luke grows every day, I know, but I don't always see it. My parents marvel at how much he changes from one visit to the next, but I only see it if I look back at old photos. When you are in the midst of change it is sometimes hard to see how quickly it is happening.

We like to take walks through our local park. In my continuing effort to become a somewhat decent photographer, I always bring my camera. My goal is to change the way I see the world. Good photographers take a scene that looks boring or mundane and make it worth examining. Places I used to walk by without a glance get a little more consideration.

I like my new found identity as a more visual person. For so long I was a musician only. I heard and that was all I needed to do. Now that I am seeing a little more of what's around me, I don't get the sense that life is passing me by as much as I used to. That is the kind of examination I hope I can give my child. With children, change may just be subtle, yet constant shifting of what is normal. I want to try to notice it more than I do now. Laundry can wait. Dishes can wait. Luke won't wait. He changes every day and I hope I remember to notice that and appreciate it a little more.

This and That

2008-10-16T08:16:00.008-05:00

It's a gloomy day here in Houston, but rain means a cold front is moving in, which means we will have a beautiful weekend. I have a few things that I need to do, blog-wise, so I'll take this opportunity to clear my in-basket. It's a little bit of randomness, much like this hamburger bird house I saw in my neighborhood:

First, I was given an award! I never get these little bloggy awards, and I was so happy when Cheryl listed me!

The Oops Award was created and is to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their humor and their talents, also for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium. When you receive this award it is considered a special honor. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to others.

The rules for passing this honor on:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to. (I picked 6 because they were just that good!)
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

So, here are my award winners!

From the Mixed-Up Files of the Siegels
One Tantrum Away From a Breakdown
Fertile Myrtle My Ass
A Bad Mommy's Blog
Mountain Momma
Gust Gab

Ok, go and check out these blogs!

I was also tagged in a meme by A Bad Mommy:

1. How long have you been a Mom? 8 Months

2. How many children call you Mommy? 1

3. Girl? Boy? or both?: Boy

4. Did you know what you were having? Oh, yes. No surprises, thanks.

5. How old were you when you became a Mom? 32

6. How long were you in labor? Scheduled C-Section - Luke was breach

7. What’s your favorite thing about being a Mom? Just being with Luke and M as a family.

8. What’s your least favorite thing? Feeling like I have too much to do and not enough time.

9. Do you want more kids? Yes

10. Do you plan on having more soon? Yeah, I don't "plan" when it comes to getting pregnant. I take what I can get!

11. How many times have you been pee’d on? More time than I care to count.

12. Barfed on? Oh, yes.

13. Is your child named after anyone? Not really.

14. How did you come up with their name? In church on Christmas eve.

15. When your child gets in trouble, who is the bad guy? Both of us. Poor kid.

16. What is the longest you have been away from your children? A few hours.

17. Bedtime routine? Bath, naked time, PJs, milk, sleep

18. Are your toes painted? Yeah, right.

19. Last movie you saw in the theater? I have NO idea.

20. One thing you will not give up just because you’re a mom? Grad school.

21. One thing you did give up now that you’re a mom: Happy hours every Friday.

22. Best Mom perk: All of it. I wasn't sure if I would get to be a mom, so I try to appreciate everything.

23. Snack, you sneak bites from your child? Not really into mushy food.

24. When the kid is napping, you are: Cleaning/facebook/reading/TV

25. Where is your child(ren) now? Daycare

26. Favorite place to buy maternity clothes? Old Navy

27. If I could do it over…I would have appreciated my time at home more.

28. Did it turn out the way you expected? Yes and no. I think that, overall, it's been everything I thought with some extra stress and extra wonderfulness thrown in.

Have any thoughts? Answer these questions on your blog!

Lastly, I have a confession: I stalk my own site meter. I love it. I love looking to see where my readers are and where they come from. The best part is looking at the google searches. Here are some I have gotten recently:

Muslim baby turns 40 days (when the hell did I talk about that?)

Red Sox Haircut

Holger Danske T-Shirt

I can't help you with the t-shirt, but here is Holger waiting patiently for someone to attack the Danes.

I'm Positive

2008-10-13T08:33:00.002-05:00

I'm not a sunshiny, precious moments type of person (not that there is anything wrong with precious moments, although their big eyes kind of freak me out). My sense of humor could probably be described as a bit sarcastic. The older I get (or feel) the more I have come to appreciate the power of positive thinking. I know that sounds trite, but stay with me. During the whole ttc journey, I had moments of positivity and moments that I thought the world was going to end. I realized that in those positive moments I really did feel ok. Now, with my brother's divorce weighing heavily on my mind, I am trying to harness some of that positive feeling and energy. I realized when I spoke with my brother last week that he was doing the same thing. He was looking ahead to a day when everything wouldn't hurt so much and life would seem normal again. I have decided to try and adapt that kind of thinking into my everyday life. All too often I miss the good things because I am too caught up in the frustrations of traffic, school and daily minutia. One of my favorite books talks about this very idea. It may not be particularly sincere at first, but once you allow it to enter into your being, it becomes a part of you. In short, fake it 'til you make it. I feel like the craziness of life has distracted me from seeing the good that surrounds me. I have a lot to be thankful for. So, I'm going to try this out. Even if my only positive is my nightly glass of wine, I'll make it a point to really enjoy it. I have a feeling that I will find more than just wine, though.

Some other positive things I have noticed, lately.....

I'm sure you remember that I mentioned the Liz Goodman Logelin 5K and the donations (you can still donate at Matt's blog). Well, Matt had a nice post about how some of that money helped someone who needed it. Go here to read about it.

JJ, who has helped bring together many of the IF bloggers, has just found out that she and Mook will be joining Team Blue! Please go and congratulate her if you haven't already.

Lastly, Teal told me about this site. I can't believe I never came across it, but please go and visit. I hope you can add your own story.

Giving

2008-10-01T21:05:00.008-05:00

It's October which means that Christmas merchandise should be in the stores...oh, wait. I've already seen it in the stores. Well, now that the holidays are upon us, so are the demands on our time and money from charities. I haven't been Catholic for long, but I am at least Catholic enough to feel guilt about how much I have been given in my life. I have a home that is in no threat of foreclosure, a car, a job, and a comfortable life. Then, there are the intangibles I have: love, education, emotional security. All of these things and non-things let me know that I am very, very lucky. My knee jerk reaction is to give 'till it hurts. My sense of self and place in this world revolves largely around the concept that I am a part of a collective. Despite the communist overtones of that sentence, I hope you see what I mean. I have been reminded recently that no matter how spread out we may be in the geographic sense, we are all a part of a world that is very, very small.

Your communities need you and your gifts, but I also think there is value in helping those that are far away. We're all in this together, even if we aren't really together. I feel very indebted to the blogging community. When I needed I little bit of understanding, they were there, and "there" was all over the world. Now that things have evened out a bit, I try to reach out and give as much as a can the way that others gave to me. If you are looking for a way to do that, as well, here are a few ideas:

Liz Goodman Logelin Memorial 5K Fund
The first annual LGL5K was held a few weeks ago and if you want to see the photos, go here. The money raised is going to help young widows/widowers. If you have never gone over and visited Matt's blog, please do. You can donate to the fund by clicking on the PayPal button on the upper right hand side of the page.

U.T.E.R.U.S. (Union To Expedite Relief Until Self Fulfillment) This was started by Mel and some others who use it to help those in need in the infertility community. This round, there are two very worthy causes. They are taking donations or you can donate to an e-bay auction that is also being created. For information, go here.

I think Mel put it into words better than I ever could:

U.T.E.R.U.S. is unique because it's a lot like stone soup. While a carrot and a stalk of celery and a potato all held separately can't make a pot of vegetable soup, when you dump them together, you get something delicious. And while a single person may not have the means to give all the vegetables necessary for soup, a single carrot, stalk of celery, or potato is rarely missed.

The point to this type of giving is not to dig deep into your pockets when you have so many needs yourself. The point is to donate what you won't miss--the books you would have sold at a garage sale, ad space on your blog, points you weren't using. And the magic is that all of these things come together to fulfill someone else's need.

Do what you can, when you can and where you can. There is no gesture too small.

1, 716 Weeks

2008-09-30T08:29:00.004-05:00

Today is my 33rd birthday. I suppose this is the day that I should reflect upon all that has happened to me during the past year. Well, a lot has happened, hasn't it? The most momentous of which was the birth of Luke! Last year at this time I was pregnant. The year before that, I was wondering why I wasn't pregnant, and the year before that I was a newlywed.

Since by birthday falls on a Tuesday and a class day, I decided to celebrate on Saturday. My parents came to town to visit us Luke, so we had babysitters! We gathered at a local hang out which ends up being mostly space program employees, but we all work and play together, so it's always good to see everyone. I was a good little blogger and took two cameras with me!

(This looks cool, but really I forgot to turn on the flash and couldn't keep the camera still enough with such a slow shutter speed.)

I had my favorite cake - Cheesecake Factory Italian Cream Cake!

Talked with friends

....got a birthday "kiss" from M...

.....ate and drank way too much

...and generally had a great time. It felt really good to go out and have a little fun. I have good friends, a wonderful husband, and, of course, this:

Now, if the Cubs can just stay alive I think my 34th year will get off to a great start!

Coming Down

2008-09-25T08:41:00.003-05:00

*children mentioned with photos*

It's been an exhausting week. I think that everyone is coming down from the post-Ike insanity and the fatigue is setting in. There are still many people without power and the morning drive is complicated by traffic lights that aren't working. We will survive this, though, and things will eventually get back to normal. For some, there will be a new normal.

We went to Dom's house for our usual Sunday dinner, despite the fact that the house had all of the drywall removed. We ate on the deck with only a few mosquitoes, thanks to the chemicals they have been spraying on everything. It was nice to have a chance to sit and talk. Luke enjoyed it, too.

Earlier in the day, I walked around our neighborhood and looked at some of the trees that came down in the park. Obviously, some of them were rotting on the inside, already.

It is sad to see the trees laying on their sides, but nature is a vengeful bitch. Maybe it's good to be reminded of that every once in a while. I couldn't help but see some beauty in the landscape of the fallen trees. I wanted to get photos before they took it all away.

Lately, I've had the odd feeling that time is slipping away. I realized this morning that Luke is seven months old today. When the hell did that happen? He is about to crawl and has started trying to pull himself up on things. Our house is barely adult proof, much less baby proof. I'll add that to my list of things to panic about later.

In the mean time, the temperature has come down slightly and I detected the faintest chill in the air this morning when I left the house. With cooler weather comes a much happier Kate.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little announcement:

The Liz Goodman Logelin Memorial 5K Flickr group has over 600 photos!!! Thanks to all of you who took the time to submit them. I am now asking, begging, pleading that you make sure your photo has a location. It can be in the title or the description. All you have to do is change it in your Flickr account and it will automatically change in the group, as well. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.

Also, it's not too late to donate! Go to Matt's blog and click on the paypal button in the upper right hand corner. Thank you!!

A Walk

2008-09-22T08:35:00.005-05:00

Things are not back to normal. While M and I are very fortunate to have power, many of our friends are still suffering through long, hot days with no electricity. To make things worse, there have been fires due to poor judgment and exhaustion. (Putting gas in your generator while it's running is not a good idea.) We drove to Dom's to help him deal with the mess that happens after you have a foot of water in your home and as we pulled into his neighborhood, every house had their belongings piled up at the end of their driveway. We stopped talking and just stared.

Although, he did have the redneck set-up going in his front yard

...and the essentials

It's going to be a long recovery process

People have been keeping a sense of humor, though.

I took a break on Sunday to do something that has been a long time in the making. Although the plans were changed quite a bit due to Ike, I met up with my friend Maura and we took a walk.

It wasn't just any walk, it was a walk to remember someone we never met but whose life, and unfortunate death, has touched our lives. It was a walk that gave us time to think about the people that matter to us.

(Yes, I made my son wear a pink hat.)

All of a sudden things didn't seem so bad, after all. Carpet can be replaced. Healing will begin. We will keep helping our friends. We're all in this together. With a nice breeze that cut the heat a little bit, a few words that Matt once wrote popped into my head

it was nice day,

a day

liz

would have loved.

she’s not here

so we loved it for

her.

Home Again

2008-09-18T08:05:00.006-05:00

Before I left Bastrop, we decided to walk around a bit. It is a picturesque little town that goes to great effort to preserve its historical look. Main street looks almost the same as it did a hundred years ago. There is even a drug store with a soda counter where you can still get a real cherry coke.

The decor is sometimes interesting

Of course, there is always a Big Tex Martini, if you need a break

We walked down Church Street and I showed our fellow evacuees some of the big houses

(This house is haunted.)

We even came across a pomegranate tree

and had a nice walk by the river.

Our friends that stayed with us also had an Italian exchange student with them. She is here all year and is certainly getting the "experience of a lifetime" that the brochures promised. Luke was smitten and if he likes Italian girls when he gets older, we'll know why...

Now we're home and life is starting to be normal again. We have power, which is very lucky. There are still many people who do not. My parents are coming this weekend to help with the clean up at our house and others who need it. I went to the Seabrook Firehouse last night and helped serve dinner to the Firemen/women and police officers. That area is devastated but has not gotten the press that Galveston has. In Texas, many small communities rely on volunteer fire departments, as does Seabrook. When the electricity came back on, the fires started. I also heard calls from people who injured themselves trying to clean their yards and homes. The officers looked really, really tired. On top of that, a lot of them have water in their own homes and have not had a chance to start their own recovery. This is why I am so thankful to people who are willing to help their community.

There are so many things that happen after something like this. Little things that you always took for granted are now more difficult. For instance, there is no meat or eggs in the stores. There is still very little gas in the area and water and ice leave the shelves as quickly as it gets there. The areas that do have power and supplies are stressed because they are now serving those without power, as well. I brought enough groceries with me to avoid the store for at least a week or two. In the end, we're safe and we can help others who need it. There are people who cannot get to their houses and have not been able to see if they have anything left at all. I consider this an opportunity to think about what is really important in life.

Don't Forget! Sunday is the Liz Goodman Logelin 5K! If you would like to donate to the cause, go here. The suggested donation is $7, but anything is appreciated. The money goes to Matt/Madeline and other young widows/widowers who need some help. We also want your pictures from the walk! Please check out the instructions for submitting photos. I have recently been reminded that we are all in this together. This 5K is a great way to remember that. I hope you'll take time to walk or run on Sunday.

Nobody Panic

2008-09-14T21:32:00.006-05:00

I feel very lucky right now. Our house is fine. Other than a large branch from the tree in our yard and little water that came in the house, we have no damage. None. Despite the 110 mile per hour winds that we know must have come through our neighborhood and the fact that the eye passed over our little house, everything is fine. M went to Clear Lake today with our fellow evacuee, Tom, and assessed the damage. This was the first thing M saw as he walked in the back yard:

The chimney was there. We were expecting to see it in the yard.

We were very worried about our large maple tree and it did suffer some damage. A large branch on the top snapped off and fell down through the tree. Luckily, it fell in between the back of our house and the back of our neighbor's house. This was is a really large branch and would have done substantial damage if it hit the roof.

My office is ok:

The favorite hangout of many space center employees is ok:

M even found a really pissed off cicada who was probably wondering what the hell happened.

Others we know were not as lucky. One friend, who was not in an evacuation zone, had part of his roof collapse while he was in the house with his family. My friend Dom, who is my cooking blog partner, stayed behind. He is a volunteer fireman on the side and stayed in Seabrook, which you probably saw on the news. His house has two or three feet of water in it, but he hasn't even been there yet because he is rescuing people who are trapped. He always puts others first.

People have started going home, but there is no gas, no power, and the temperature is not forgiving. The aftermath is the real misery. My deepest sympathies go out to the people who have had damage in their homes, or who have to return to their homes because they don't have a long-term evacuation possibility. I want to go back, but without a/c I can't possibly bring Luke. It's fine here at my parents, though. Since we are on the same grid as the space center, I am hoping that we will have power again soon. I have a feeling we will be helping our less fortunate friends with their clean-up.

Obviously, the Houston walkers for the Liz Goodman Logelin 5k are going to change their location. Kemah is under water and will likely stay that way for a while. If you have power and can read this, please gather who you can and walk where you are. There has been a paypal account set up for optional donations, so check Matt's blog in the next few days for the details.

Thank you so much for all of your kind comments. Please keep your good thoughts and prayers coming for those who will be rebuilding. Now I am going to think about how lucky I am.

Hell is Chrome

2008-09-12T13:43:00.011-05:00

When the devil came
He was not red
He was chrome and he said

Come with me
You must go
So I went

Where everything was clean
So precise and towering
I was welcomed
With open arms

I received so much help in every way
I felt no fear
I felt no fear

As I said good bye to my house, Wilco was playing and I've had this song stuck in my head ever since. We're fine. We're in a small town called Bastrop, just outside of Austin. Luke is here, M is here and so I really don't care what happens to anything else. As we resume our constant watching of the Weather Channel, I try to read through the dramatic, Lord of the Rings type music and interpret what's really going on. Basically, it doesn't look too good. Here's the thing: Houston is very large. My house is technically in Houston, but we are only thirty minutes away from Galveston. My house is less than a mile away from a large lake that opens up into Galveston Bay. That's why you keep hearing them talk about the fact that most Houstonians are "staring down the storm". Most people in Houston Proper are not in immediate danger. Well, this Houstonian is getting the hell out of the way.

Luke and I arrived Thursday morning and M came later in the day after some last minute preparations at the house. We went to our favorite spot so that M could have his mojito.

It's not all bad. There's a pool:

There's Luke:

There's M:

...and there's gin and tonic.

The rest is just stuff. Thanks for the e-mails and comments. It means a lot that we have people thinking about our community.

Speaking of important things, don't forget that the Liz Goodman Logelin 5K is September 21st. You can walk or run wherever you are! Go here for details! Also, buy a t-shirt. You'll feel better.

Liz Goodman Logelin 5K

2008-09-10T11:03:00.004-05:00

We interrupt hurricane preparations for this Public Service Announcement.....

Many of you are already readers of Matt Logelin's blog. If you aren't, you should be. Matt lost his wife, Liz, the day after their beautiful daughter was born. He shares his feelings about raising Madeline as a single parent and his grief over the loss of Liz in his own unique voice. He also has a really kick ass Robot. I have had the privilege of being connected with a group of amazing women who have been helping Matt and others like Matt, and now I am pleased to announce a wonderful event......

On September 21st at 1pm people all over the world are going to participate in the first annual Liz Goodman Logelin 5K. Matt will be meeting up with people at Lake Calhoun in the Minneapolis area that day, but has asked everyone to stop and take a walk (or run) in memory of Liz.

You don't have to be in shape and you don't have to get organized (unless you want to). Just get outside, enjoy the day, and think about the good things that you have in your life.

If you would like the details, go here. (Make sure you check the comments to see if anyone else is walking in your area.)

If you would like to find out about submitting photos from your walk, please go here. (We would love to see your pictures!)

If you would like to buy a special shirt, go here.

If you are in the Houston area, please leave a comment or e-mail me for details.

I hope that everyone can participate and help The Garden of Awesome grow!

Improvements

2008-09-08T09:03:00.003-05:00

I loved all of the stories of useless stuff! Unfortunately, thanks to the brownie suggestion, I cannot give the pan away. M is now expecting small triangle brownies. So, for that suggestion, Marissa will receive a prize. The other prize goes to Amanda at Learning to Breathe for her wealth of un-asked for gifts, including a salad bag. Thanks for playing and I will be in touch!

Just for a change of pace, I will talk about how nice the weather was this weekend. It was dry and not horribly hot and we actually spent some time outside.

With the slightly better weather comes a slightly better attitude on my part. Fall, such that it is in Houston, is my favorite time of year. Fall brings a transition into winter, my birthday, and the gateway to the holiday season. I am back in school and trying to finish this damn masters degree. It's a little discouraging when you see signs like this outside of your classroom:

(Actually, these signs are a result of a very unfortunate incident involving a golden retriever and an alligator.)

On Sunday we got up early and went to the Kemah Boardwalk. Kemah is a small community on the water. It has not escaped the rampant commercialization of Houston and has grown over the years to include a sort of fairground. You can eat all of the trans fats your heart desires and then throw it all up on a big, wooden roller coaster.

We don't dare go during the day on a weekend, but in the morning we like to buy our coffee and take a walk. It was the first time in months that I have spent any time outside without sweating profusely.

I wouldn't call myself a "morning person" but I do enjoy the quiet. It's a peaceful place without the chaos of families and noise.

I felt refreshed from our outing and have decided that if I am going to be stuck in a swamp, then I should try to find the beauty in what surrounds me.

Just Stuff

2008-09-03T13:01:00.003-05:00

As I was unpacking from our almost evacuation, I thought more about the issue of stuff. It's everywhere, it takes up space, and we are constantly trying to figure out ways to organize and store it so that it doesn't look like we have as much as we do. Some of our stuff will never be given away. I have a quilt that my grandmother made, old family photos and even some jewelry. We saved the little shirt that Luke wore his first few days in the hospital and his little ankle bracelet. Some sentiment I just can't think about parting with. I have a tendency to save bits and pieces from my life with the thought that I will someday become a master scrapbooker, but I have yet to glue even one photo in any sort of photo album. We have been married for three years and I still haven't seen all of the wedding photos. (In my defense, there are 800 of them.) Do I really need ticket stubs from every train we took in Sweden? Why am I saving this British Airways toiletry kit? This is just the sentimental stuff. Then there is the stuff that is just, well, stuff. Things you buy because they are on sale or because you might need them one day....maybe.

This morning I was looking under a kitchen cabinet and there it was. The mini-scone pan. When we got married we registered at Target and William-Sonoma. I love to cook and I really love kitchen gadgets. We have a very small kitchen at the moment, so I am pretty restrained in that area. I have my stand mixer and a few other essentials, but nothing that would be considered unnecessary. Except this mini-scone pan.

All I could think when I looked at it was, "What the fuck was I thinking when I registered for this?" When I was pregnant and registering for my baby shower I had a real feeling that I didn't belong in that baby section. It was surreal. When I was engaged, though, I was a mad woman with that gun. It was like a drug and I was high as a freaking kite! I have never made scones. I don't even really eat scones, although I think they are good. What was I thinking? Why did I register for that? It has never, I repeat, never, been used. Not even once.

Is it just me? Am I the only one who gets carried away when tempted with stuff? If you are married and if you had a registry I want to know what item you registered for, and got, that was, in hindsight, the most useless. Please, don't let me feel alone in this. If your answer is really good, I might send you this mini-scone pan. Or maybe something else from my registry......

(Maura, you are not eligible.)

Staying Put

2008-08-31T14:37:00.004-05:00

I think it's safe to say that I have had more relaxing Labor Day weekends. We spent Saturday running errands and watching The Weather Channel. (I did manage to get the mall for my FREE STUFF, though.) M worked his ass off getting everything ready. He even painted the plywood so that it looked like a window, complete with shadowing for a 3-D effect.

The fun continued. I happened to be putting towels away in the bathroom when I heard a large crash. I realized that M was outside, on a ladder, trimming some tree branches. I ran outside with visions of broken legs or even worse. M came around the corner holding his back. He was ok, just bruised. It scared the hell out of me. Luke managed to catch a nap in the middle of all the commotion, but he held on, just in case.

We fell into bed at 11pm with plans to wake up early to hit the road. The highway we take my parents house (I-10) is also the highway that everyone uses to get out of Louisiana and Mississippi. I don't know if he was not feeling well or if it was teething, but Luke got up four times. He has been sleeping through the night for several weeks. When we got up at 5am we turned on TWC and discovered that we dodged yet another bullet.

It's an interesting exercise to look around your house and think about what you would be willing to sacrifice. Obviously you can't take everything, but what would you be unwilling to live without? Besides insurance papers and things like birth certificates and passports, do you really need it all? What makes something worth saving?

Whatever the answer to that question is, my thoughts are with the people who are in the path of this hurricane. I hope everyone stays safe.

I Don't Wanna!!

2008-08-28T20:15:00.002-05:00

As I watch the weather channel and stalk the National Hurricane Center website I feel like a little kid having a tantrum. I don't wanna evacuate!!!! We are on alert and the space center is preparing to shut down with everyone instructed to wrap their computers before they leave for the long weekend. M wants me to leave for my parents house in the Austin area on Saturday. He is going to board everything up and join us on Sunday. I think that we need to wait and see what this thing does. That's a lot of work for something that probably won't hit us.

I actually have a decent weekend planned. Saturday I plan on working around the house and Sunday they are opening a new Lush store at the mall!! I love their stuff, but I usually have to get it through the mail (expensive since it ships from Canada) and I can't order it in the summer because it will melt. So, this is a good thing. Plus, there will be free stuff. FREE STUFF. Why do we need to leave???

Oh, right.

I joke about it, but I really hope it loses some steam. I would hate to see any loss of life or property. It's just one more reason why I want to get out of this area.

Six Months Ago

2008-08-25T08:43:00.004-05:00

*Children mentioned with pictures.*

Six months ago I got up, took a long shower, fixed my hair and met my son. The whole day is a blur. I remember being very hungry and very afraid I was going to get sick from the pain meds. I remember the sound of Luke's first cries (he was so pissed off) and how the doctor laughed because as soon as they pulled him out (butt first) he peed all over Dr. T.

It's only been six months, although sometimes it seems like a lifetime. So much has changed. Luke sleeps through the night. He sits up and babbles. He smiles when M walks in the room and he loves to eat zucchini. Well, he loves to eat, period.

I spent most of the first few months worried, worried, worried. Breastfeeding was difficult, hormones were raging, and life was turned upside down. I know that I did not appreciate the small moments as I should have. Everyone told me that this time would go by so quickly and they were right. I worry that I don't appreciate this time enough. Every day is full of work, school, dishes,laundry,and a million other things. All I really want to to is spend time with my baby. Soon, Luke's gummy smile will be full of teeth and then he'll be walking and talking. When I look at those first pictures of him I wonder what it will feel like to watch him go to college or get married. Will I still remember what it felt like to rock him to sleep?

We went to mass as a family for the first time since Luke was born. As I paused in prayer before the service began, the only words I could come up with were thank you, thank you, thank you.

You Will Be Assimilated

2008-08-20T20:15:00.005-05:00

I know how to take a hint and after two people in one day told me to get a Facebook account I decided to see what all of the fuss was about. I have nothing against social networking sites, but I must admit that I always thought these things were for 13 year olds, people posing as 13 year olds, and college girls with poor judgment. Little did I know that an entire world of people I knew and people I should know were out there. Within thirty minutes of signing up I found two very good friends from college and my 65 year old Aunt. It seems that half of my long lost friends are on their second marriage and the other half have come out of the closet. I have even found some blogger buddies! It's also forced me to go through some old photos and post them to my account - just for grins. It's very addictive.

In the months after I talked about feeling disconnected I have made an effort to re-connect. I organize a parents group, I have made an effort to get out of the house and I read more blogs and try to comment more often. Facebook seems like a natural progression. This kind of connecting is so easy, though, isn't it? They find the people you know by scanning your address book and you can have complete control over what part of yourself you present to the world, much like blogging. Unlike blogging, though, it is not anonymous. It's not a place for raw emotion or deep thoughts. You can put logos on your page that tell people what team you root for, who your candidate is and what kind of day you're having, but a fight with your husband? Probably not.

Is that really connecting? I don't have an answer. It's just something that I was thinking about as I added my Cubs and Obama logo to my page.

Do you want to be my friend? Pretty please?

(A photo from days gone by. I'm the pale one on the left.)

It's A Living

2008-08-18T08:45:00.005-05:00

This weekend I attended a party with an East Coast theme. Because of the space center, most of the people in this part of Houston are transplants. Many of my friends come from New England and spend a lot of their time being homesick. My friend V opened up his house, so I left Luke with M, put on my Red Sox jersey and headed out. It was fun, although I could only drink water since I had to drive myself.

Here is the obligatory alcohol shot. Yes, that big bottle of JD was empty by 9:30pm.

Fudgie the Whale and Cookie Puss made an appearance. I have no clue where V got them in this area. Knowing him, he paid an obscene amount of money to have them shipped, although I do not appreciate the writing on Cookie Puss. Considering the season that the Yankees are having, I'll let it go.

A few months ago my company was awarded a very prestigious contract to built the next suit. We unseated a very large and powerful company in the process. As we expected, they filed a protest. We were issued a stop work order and have been waiting for the whole issue to be resolved. It has been, sort of. You can read about it here.

As a result, things at work have been very slow. Right after we won everything was insane. We were reading resumes, interviewing and trying to talk people into moving to Houston, which is no easy feat in the middle of summer. It's all come to a complete halt and while there are some housekeeping type things that I am glad to have time to take care of, I feel a little under stimulated. I always wanted to be the type of person that had a job that was more than just a paycheck. I wanted to really like what I did for a living. I do like HR. It's not always very exciting, but there are some aspects that I find interesting. It's not my dream job, though. My dream jobs are jobs that I would do if I was independently wealthy and did not have to worry about steady income or job security.

Ethnomusicologist - Collecting folk songs and spending hours in libraries - heaven!!

Lounge Singer - I would get to sing all of the standards and wear slinky dresses. Hopefully the lounge would be smoke free.

Talent Scout for an Independent Record Label - Find new bands and go to lots of concerts!

I struggle with the feeling that I am a big sell out, but the practicalities of life make it hard not to be. Being a lounge singer would be great, but the hours and pay don't really do much to provide a stable home for your child. Maybe this is a good lesson for me. For too long I was my job. I lost sleep over the days events and part of my mind was always in the classroom. I'm not sure that's the healthiest way to live. I think that finding an identity that is different than what you do from 8-5 everyday is a good thing. Maybe I'll be a lounge singer on the side. As long as we're daydreaming, what is your dream job(s)?

Could I Do That?

2008-08-15T11:28:00.006-05:00

I just realized that this is my 100th post! Wow. Thank you to everyone who reads and comments. I always appreciate hearing from you. By the way, the drink that was pictured in the last post was a G&T, my favorite summer drink. We couldn't have mojitos because they were out of fresh mint. Not great planning on their part!

Lately I have added a lot of single parent blogs to my reader. Some of them are single because of tragic circumstances, some are single because they decided to go it alone from the beginning. Whatever the reason, I don't think that anyone out there would say that it's easy. As I read these blogs and quietly root for them from my little corner of the world, I wonder what I would do if faced with the same circumstances? Would I rise to the occasion as well as they have? I would like to think so. I think that if I had to raise Luke by myself, I could, but it would be hard. It would be very hard. If I am tired or busy or stressed, I can turn to M. If he needs to go run and errand or work late, I can take the parenting duty for the night. Our support system is right there within the walls of our home. I respect and admire anyone who goes down that road and I hope that I can remain thankful for the support system that I have in my life.

Are you a single parent? Were you raised by a single parent? What have your experiences been either as a single parent or the child of a single parent?

My Buddy

Wandering

2008-08-12T08:52:00.004-05:00

Despite the sad news about my cousin the rest of the weekend was ok. My parents have a pool and we have been introducing Luke to the water. (I’ll spare you a picture of me in a bathing suit). It was 102 degrees on Saturday, so the swim was very welcome. M and I went to our favorite lunch spot and I had my favorite summer drink:

I post a lot of pictures of alcohol, don’t I?

My dad and I went to the farmer’s market and purchased some free-range, grass fed, no-hormone steaks. I call it left-wing beef, which is fine with me, because that’s how I roll. I also had to get a picture of the house next door to my parents. He’s ready for the election, I think.

That’s a political yard sign, Texas style.

Almost every Sunday we have dinner with our friend DD. He and I love to cook and M loves to eat, so it works out well. I brought the left-wing beef and we had some surf and turf. It was awesome.

As I start another work week, my mind is wandering. In fact, this song keeps going through my head. I think that as a result of not having a summer vacation my focus has decided to go on a trip without me. I hope it went somewhere fun . In the meantime, I will keep daydreaming until its return.

If Only

2008-08-11T08:58:00.001-05:00

If Only It Really Worked
Originally uploaded by KateSowa

We barreled into my parents house this weekend with the 10,000 essential things you simply must bring with you for the baby and I heard the words that I dread. We have some bad news. A cousin of mine took her own life.

My father’s family is large. He is one of seven brothers and sisters and so the cousins are numerous. She wasn’t one that I knew very well, but my memories of her are fond. She was bright and energetic, loved to talk and loved to dote on the barn kittens that lived on my uncle’s farm in rural Iowa. Her immediate family is devastated, obviously, and the rest of us are left wondering what could have gone so terribly wrong?

I feel so badly for her mother. The sheer powerlessness she must feel after discovering that her daughter’s frequent calls home were leaving out what must have been a lot of pain. As a parent your biggest fear and ultimate goal are the same thing: to prepare your child for a life that is independent from yours. I don’t expect to always be able to be there to comfort Luke. I know that there will be times when he doesn’t share everything with me and may bear certain burdens alone; we have all done that from time to time. As I look at him now, smiling his gummy smile and chewing on his fingers, it’s hard to imagine that there will be a time when I will have to let him go. News like this makes me want to hold on a little tighter.

Now her family is left with the “if only’s”. They are left behind to replay every conversation and every day, looking for clues that are too late to discover now. There is no crystal ball to look into and no way of knowing what our future will hold. One thing I do know is that she deserved better than to end up alone, in a room, far from home. I hope she found the peace she was looking for.

T.S., I Love You

2008-08-05T20:11:00.007-05:00

This was my desk on Monday afternoon. With Tropical Storm (T.S.) Eduardo moving in, they closed down the space center and we were ordered to wrap everything and go home. It was a nice day, despite the raging heat, so we went and had some of these.

Luke came along, too, since his daycare closed early, as well.

We charged all of our phones, checked batteries, and waited for the rain to start. Sometime in the night the system moved east and we caught the "dry side" of the storm, meaning it was just another rainy day in Houston. I woke up at 8:00am since M let me sleep in (thank you, thank you) and realized I had not slept that late for almost 6 months! We spent the day puttering around the house and playing with Luke. I even got to play a little bit with the camera M brought home in case he was called into work. It is very nice and very, very out of my price range.

We were very lucky and it turned out to be a nice day off.

Over The Weather

2008-08-03T12:26:00.009-05:00

For the last week the heat index has been over 100. With August comes some of the most miserable of all of the summer weather. It's especially hard since summer will sometimes last until September or October. Yuck. It doesn't look like we'll be moving anytime soon so I endure the special torture of looking out at a bright, sunny day knowing that it is in the high 90s and unsuitable for most forms of life. There is always music to pass the time, though, and I have created another iMix for your listening pleasure. You can click here or click the picture of my nano on the sidebar. It's got a melancholy quality to match my mood as of late, but sometimes you just need that kind of music.

Things haven't been all about the heat, though. We went out on Friday to my favorite pub and Luke helped me pick out some songs on the jukebox. They have quite a good collection, including a Belle and Sebastian album!

Luke also receive a toy that has become his favorite. Despite the hundreds of dollars that family and friends have spent on things that talk, light up and tell you your future, the plastic water bottle full of sparkles and jingle bells is the biggest hit so far. He loves it. He was happily playing away in his car seat (we keep it on the stroller in the kitchen) the other day when the noise abruptly stopped. I turned around and saw this:

Luckily I had my camera, because I knew that M would never believe me.

There's a Cubs game on. They're first place in their division. Maybe that's really the reason I feel so out of sorts. I'm not sure how to function in a world where my Cubbies are....dare I say it....contenders. I'll put that thought out of my head. I've known the disappointment of too many Octobers. I'll just enjoy this game and not think about the next. Yet.

Inspiration

2008-07-28T16:50:00.002-05:00

I feel that things are finally, finally clicking into place in my life. Luke is growing (and growing) and becoming better able to entertain himself. This is better for us since he can play on a quilt or spend time in his ExerSaucer while I make dinner. There is a bitter sweetness to it when I realize this is just the beginning of the formation of his own Independence from me. I no longer drag to work in a zombie state of being since Luke now sleeps better, as well. With this new sense of semi-freedom, I now have time to think about then and now.

Then, I had time for my favorite things: reading, cooking, writing, going out or just staying in to watch a movie. Now, I can fit in some of these things, if M has time to watch Luke or in the event of a long nap. I am ok with that. I will always choose to spend time with my family before anything else. Lately, though, I have been feeling a lack of inspiration in the other parts of my life. The things that I used to find joy in doing don't seem to challenge me as they used to.

I feel very strongly that one of the ways that I can be a good parent to Luke is to be a person with her own interests outside of "mommyhood". Even though I wanted very badly to become a parent and am very grateful that I am one, it is not something that defines me 100%. I am not just a mother, I am also I mother. The interest in photography is one of the ways I am trying to branch out so that I can have something that I enjoy and benefits the family. I am getting used to always carrying a camera with me, which I never used to do. I think its going pretty well, although the subject matter is somewhat limited (but very cute).

Now that I have had to redefine myself I am looking for inspiration. I am looking for that spark that hits you when hear or see something that makes you stop and think. I am inspired by my son and my wonderful husband, absolutely, but I feel the need to find external challenges and meaning, as well.

Where do you find inspiration? Where do you go when you are feeling as if you need a boost to your inner self?

The Last of its Kind

2008-07-25T10:00:00.004-05:00

The Last of its Kind
Originally uploaded by Kate Sowa

Kodak is getting out of the film business. This isn't breaking news, but as I came across my mother's film camera yesterday, I thought about how much has changed in the world of capturing images. The Canon camera that my mother uses looks like the first cell phones: big, clunky, and without a lot of perks and instant gratification that we demand now. The camera that I use is also a Canon, but a digital one. It actually belonged to my parents. M used his expertise to pick out a well made workhorse type camera that could fit in your pocket and take a little video, if you wanted it to. After a few weeks and several attempts to help them become more comfortable with the process of digital photography, I became the new owner. It's a good little camera, though, and has served us well over the past few years.

I am not a visual person. I wish I was. I wish I could see things the way that M sees them. I wish I could look at something and see the textures and the light instead of just a whole object. I try to memorize the little tidbits he mentions to me about reflection and flashes, but I think that part of it is just instinctual. He has a sense of how to make something become a beautiful photo. I have to work at it. I don't expect to become a professional. After all, he has the benefit of a degree from one of the best photo schools in the country and years of experience as a professional. But I don't want to be put in the same category as that guy who always gets his finger in the picture.

Looking at my camera made me realize how behind the times I am. The only photo processing software we have on our computer is Photoshop. I have no idea how to use it. NO IDEA. I see M clicking buttons, brightening teeth, erasing wrinkles and performing all kinds of magic tricks. I can't even prepare a photo for an e-mail. I am completely dependant on him for my photos. This is all going to change. I have set a goal for myself: become a better photographer and take more pictures. I love looking at photos from my childhood and I want that for Luke. I want some of those photos to be from my perspective, even if it is a little blurry or slightly out of focus.

M brought home a new work camera the other night. It's a common occurrence since each new model requires some time to learn how to use it and doing that during a photo shoot is not a good idea. It's the very latest and has a very cool low light feature. I picked it up and took a few test shots.

"You know, that's $5000", said M as he walked into the living room. I slowly put the camera down. I'll stick with my little Canon......for now.

Baseball, Haircut, and a Baby

2008-07-23T08:59:00.010-05:00

If I had to rank the people and things in my life that I love it might go something like this:

1. Family (Baby, Husband, etc..)

2. Baseball

That's right. I love baseball. More specifically, I love the C.ubs, but any baseball will do. Although I grew up in Texas my childhood was greatly influenced by my Iowan father's Midwestern sensibility and love for baseball. My memories of visiting Iowa as a child have a soundtrack of Harry Caray's voice and a television that was always playing a baseball game. Usually, it was a Cubs game. So, I suppose it is my sentimental side that is drawn to baseball, but it is a game that I love in its own right. There is just something about it.

The last three weeks before Luke was born I was on bed rest. I tried to be nonchalant about it all, but it was a little scary: low amniotic fluid, high blood pressure, weekly non-stress tests, a night in the hospital. I didn't really know what was going to happen and so my practical Midwestern side started thinking of things I needed to tell my husband, just in case. We spoke, of course, about the "what ifs" and for a moment I wondered if I should require that the baby become a Cubs fan. I settled for instructions that he become a baseball fan because I knew what his response would be if I brought up the C.ubs:

Why should I set him up for a lifetime of disappointment?

We haven't decided how we will raise him, in the baseball sense, but I hope he will follow me. There has been a lot of pain, I'll admit, but there is something to be said about the eternal optimism that goes along with it. On Sunday we headed to M.inute M.aid Park to see the A.stros (Lastros) take on the C.ubs. We did not take Luke, but his first game will be in September when the C.ubs come back to Houston.

It was a wonderful game (C.ubs 9-0) and, to make things better, we sat in club level seats with an excellent view of my favorite TV announcers, WGN's Bob and Len! Years of the C.ubs suckitude have made them both very good color commentators. I always enjoy hearing them call a game, no matter what the score is:

A few of you asked to see the new haircut. I asked my husband to take a quick picture, which turned into a little more of a photo shoot than I intended, so it's not a very candid shot. In weight loss news, I have lost 9 lbs so far and am very happy with WW. It seems to be working very well!

I am going to leave you with a picture that M took this weekend after Luke had his first swim. My dad was drying him off with a towel when he gave us one of his great smiles.

Minnesota

2008-07-21T08:15:00.005-05:00

After much consideration I have decided that I would like to move to Minnesota. I've heard that during the summer you can actually travel outdoors during the day. It seems too good to be true, but I am willing to take my chances. As H.ouston faces another beautiful 96 degree, 85% humidity day, I have to wonder if my son will ever get to have the same kind of childhood that my husband and I did. The grass is either full of fire ants or chemicals that get rid of fire ants. There are mosquitoes that can make you sick unless they spray the hell out of everything (which they do) which means that there are no fireflies. Should humans even live here???? Why in the HELL did they put N.ASA down here? Unless they plan on picking up and moving JSC, I will have to be content with our annual escapes to the Midwest. In the mean time, I am going to stay inside and sit in a bucket full of ice water.

This weekend I traveled to my hometown of A.ustin to receive a haircut from the Devine Miss M. When I drive to S.outh C.ongress I am always a little shocked to see it. This is not the A.ustin I grew up with. This part of town is beginning to look a little too much like L.A. There are super tan women walking down the sidewalk with big sunglasses in desperate need of a good meal. I even saw a celebrity walking down the street the last time I was there. I feel a little better, though, when I walk in and my hairdresser has a bleach blonde spikey hairdo and bright red lipstick. That is the A.ustin I grew up with. She cut off the majority of my hair and I like it, but it is odd reaching back and feeling nothing where my hair used to be. It's a cliche to go through a big life change and then get a new haircut, but I have to also blame the intense heat. The last time I cut my hair this short I just ended a five year relationship. I could get into a whole thing about the symbolism of cutting my hair, but I just wanted something a little cooler and a little easier to deal with. If I can't have Minnesota, then I can at least have new haircut, right?

Losing It

2008-07-14T12:59:00.004-05:00

Weight, that is. I finally decided that I want to get rid of the 15 pounds I never got around to loosing before I got pregnant. I am very focused when it comes to many activities, but dieting is not one of them. I am a little ADD and I need structure and guidelines. I am a pretty clean eater, but I tend to snack too much and eat when I am bored. So, after looking around, I joined W.eight W.atchers online. I was not interested in the meeting aspect, but the online environment is pretty cool. They will even adjust your points if you are a nursing mom. We'll see how it goes. So far I'm pretty happy with it.

The other thing I am getting rid of is stuff. I feel like M and I have too much of it. We have a very, very small house and will be looking to move next year, I hope. In this area where housing is pretty cheap, I think we could definitely afford a bigger place. In the mean time, though, we are IKEA gurus and I am constantly trying to weed out my belongings. When I was single I moved a lot to different apartments and had gotten pretty good at packing up and moving out. When I moved in with M, I gave away over half of my things. I used to save everything. I was defined by all of my "stuff". I won't say that is was a zen-like enlightenment that made me realize that I was weighed down by my belongings because it was probably the hassle of moving them that made me clean out. I realize,though, that I like open spaces and a few special things that provide memories. Now, with Luke, I find my desire to save every little thing has come back. It is all such a blur and it goes by so quickly that I want to cling to anything tangible that might stir my memory later on. Diana wrote about how hard it was to put away her little girl's newborn clothes and I can totally relate. I have a box I need to go through and it will be hard to decide what stays and what goes.

The biggest thing that happened this weekend was the completion of the baby room! I can finally post a picture of the nursery. M is a perfectionist and works as hard as he can after working all day at the office, so nearly five months after Luke got here, we put the final touches on the room on Sunday. We decided to go with carpet tiles from F.LOR, which was a very good experience. If you have ever wondered about using carpet tiles, I can answer all of your questions! The chest of drawers doesn't match, but it is mine from when I was a little girl. Other than that, it's pretty much S.noopy/Airplanes/Baseball and, of course, N.ASA stuff that he will collect whether he wants to or not.

Here is the final product:

19 Weeks

2008-07-07T19:05:00.004-05:00

We were a little late getting Luke to his 4 month check up because Dr. I had some training she had to go to. So, today M and I took him in and got him "inspected" as he calls it. Boy, oh, boy. He weighs 18lbs, 1 oz is 26 1/2 inches long and is in the 95th and 90th percentiles for weight and height. I think I know why my back has been hurting! The shots were unpleasant for everyone. Even thought I know what's coming, I still get so choked up when I see him cry like that. It kills me. M is staying home with him tomorrow since he probably won't be feeling well. I also started giving him a little food, which he was skeptical about at first, but has since changed his mind. The rice cereal was not a hit, but peas have been more fun.

I am amazed every day by Luke. I am amazed by his ability to find wonder in everything and my ability to love him even more with each minute that passes. He is truly the light of my life. People often say to me, "Do you even remember what it was like before him?" It's an odd question, because I do. Of course I do. I will never forget what it was like before he came along. That time before Luke is precisely what makes me grateful to have him here with us now, healthy and happy.

The Only Constant In Life

2008-07-01T11:06:00.003-05:00

Busy, busy, busy. It's been work, mostly. My company was awarded a massive contract. We will be building the next generation s.pace s.uit! When we go back to the moon, the astronauts will be wearing suits that were made by my company. We are a small division in a large corporation, so this win was a big deal for us. We also beat out a company that has the current s.pace s.uit and has had that contract since the A.pollo days. It is a big deal for us. I think about the fact that this is the s.pace s.uit that Luke's generation will be wearing and I get to play a small role in that. Since I am in HR, we've been plunged into resume HELL.

In cycle news, it's cd13 and no sign of ovulation or even two bars on my CBFM. Oh, well. We'll see. I'm very interested to see where this goes.

One of my dearest friends is moving away on Saturday. I have been trying not to think about it too much. She is one of those friends that I can always go to. She was one of the people who came to get me out of the house right after Luke was born and made me take walks so I could get some fresh air. We love all the same things and can talk for hours. She also got me back into yoga when I needed it the most. I know that we will keep in touch and probably try to work out some visits, but you know how it is. Things aren't quite the same after you move away. You loose track of each other's daily lives and there is an inevitable distance that accompanies the geographical divide. I am happy for her because she wants this move, but there is definitely a hint of sadness that goes along with it. It's odd to feel this way as an adult. I have a husband and a child and many other friends, but I feel like I'm twelve again and my BFF is moving away. I was just starting to feel like I had things together, too. It's like the saying goes, the only constant in life is change.

cd1

2008-06-20T12:03:00.006-05:00

After over a year of blissful freedom from everyone's favorite Auntie, mine returned with a vengeance this week. She came complete with stomach upset and acne. Thanks and welcome back. I have to say that it really surprised me. I really thought, given my history, that there would be nothing until I stopped breastfeeding. Now the second question is, am I going to ovulate? I dug out my CBFM, blew the dust off and fired it up.

It happens sometimes that God or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) starts sending me little signs all of a sudden. One day it was an e-mail from a friend with a link to The Campaign for Love and Forgiveness which brought me to an Online Ritual for Letting Go. It is very cool and I put the link on my side menu if you would like to check it out. I opened up my latest issue of Yoga Journal and there was a wonderful article about forgiveness. I was clearly needing to forgive someone, but who? I haven't had any major emotional trauma recently. The it dawned on me: it was me. About a million times per day I sit at my desk and think about whether I should even be at work. Is Luke ok? Have we damaged him somehow by putting him into daycare so early? At the same time, I think about how I would feel trapped if I stayed at home. I think about how I might resent giving up my career. All of these thoughts swirl around me in a cloud of guilt until I take a deep breath and push them aside, although never completely away. Perhaps the person I needed to forgive was my own inner critic. The person who tries to be perfect and tries to be everything to everyone. I know that no one can live up to that, but I was never able to let that idea go.

The article in Yoga Journal said that "forgiveness is a gift to yourself". I think that it is also a process of realization that "having it all" is really just having what you need and giving your loved ones what they need, too. That's something I will be thinking about a lot in the future.

Now that I think about it, I do have everything I need. All 17 pounds of him.

There is Sweet Music Here

2008-06-11T09:04:00.003-05:00

I love music. There isn't a minute of the day when I don't have a song in my head. My life has a constant soundtrack and music can take me back to certain points in time and even bring back the feelings associated with it. Elliot Smith reminds me of a time when I felt really lonely and hearing Holla Back Girl makes me think of waking up the morning of my wedding when that video was on TV.

I believe that music can heal and sooth. Music will try to cheer you up when you need it, or simply commiserate with you when you need a shoulder to cry on. I received a wonderful cd from Alison this week and I realized that I was listening to her soundtrack of the moment. I felt like I knew a little better just by looking at her song choices. I went to my iTunes account and decided to create my own soundtrack.

What is your soundtrack? What music gets you through the day or through the darkest nights? I say we fill the blogosphere with music! If you have an iTunes account, you can easily create your own mix. Or, just list it out on your blog. Let me hear what you hear!

Kate's Soundtrack - Click on the Sweet Music icon on the sidebar to go to the iMix directly

Logical Song-Supertramp: I love this song. "Please tell me who I am..."

Viva La Vida-Coldplay: I find a lot of people who are annoyed by this band, but I love them.

Crazy Faith - Alison Krauss: Is this song about religion? I can't tell, but it speaks to me.

Jane-Ben Folds: I am in love with this man's music. "It's your life/You can decorate it as you like/beneath pain and armour in your eyes/The truth still shines/Jane be Jane" Great lyrics.

Between the Bars-Elliot Smith: I still get sad when I think about Elliot Smith. He was so talented.

The Way I Am-Ingrid Michaelson: I am annoyed that Old Navy used this in a commercial. I love her voice.

Good People-Jack Johnson: I have a big crush on him. I ask myself this question every day when I listen to the news.

The Authority Song-Jimmy Eat World: What a great track. It brings me back to a summer when I was thin, and tan, and only had to worry about paying my rent and getting to work on time.......

Summer Sun-Koop: An odd Swedish band with a very good sound. That's a 14 year old Japanese girl singing, by the way.

Smile-Lilly Allen: The girl had balls. It's a great "F-You, you dumped me" song.

Minneapolis-That Dog: Just try not to sing this every time you hear someone mention
Minneapolis.

Take Your Mamma-Scissor Sisters: This is another weird sort of band that I love. There is a definite Elton John influence.

Bottle it Up-Sara Bareilles: I think of this song when someone asks me "How can you be a Cubs fan?" I do it for love, love, love....

Sweet Caroline-Neil Diamond: Go Red Sox.

Be Careful-Patti Griffin: This album is so incredibly good and so depressing. If you need a shoulder to cry on, Patti is your woman.

When You Come Back Down-Nickel Creek: I don't know what this song is about, but I always thin it's about letting go of a person or idea that you've held on to for a long time. It's beautiful.

Casimir Pulaski Day-Sufjan Stevens: I really wonder if this story is true.

Urban Legends

2008-06-03T13:18:00.004-05:00

*Photo of a baby at the bottom of this post.*

I held out my arms to the nurse and she put many, many different allergens on my skin to see what I am allergic to, exactly. (Nothing, except for this one type of mold that is everywhere.) Having seen on my chart that I just had a baby, the nurse aksed me, "So, when are you going to have number two?" I would get offended, but many people have asked me this question. It makes my head hurt. Not just because the thought of having two seems pretty exhausting, but the process of getting pregnant seems exausting. Going back to the RE to finish the blood work we never got to and waiting and taking temperatures and peeing on sticks..... When I expressed these feelings to a good friend she told me, "I bet you get pregnant right away with the next one. Your pipes are clean now." As lovely as the imagary of clean pipes is, the idea that I might fall into one of the Urban Legends of Pregnancy seems too good to be true. Here are the top three that I hear:

3. Clean Pipes: A woman your friend knows tried to get pregnant for x years and then finally did. Then, thinking she was "safe" gets pregnant while breastfeeding.

2. Almost IVF: On the eve of starting your first IVF cycle, you find out that you're pregnant! (This actually happened to a friend of mine and it was wonderful news!)

1. The pregnancy after adoption!! After adopting a beautiful child, the woman gets pregnant. This allows people to say to you, "Just adopt and you will get pregnant!" Everyone's favorite.

I don't know if these technically qualify as "urban legends" since I am sure we all know at least one person who has experienced such things. I only know that I can't think about any of that right now. I am just trying to appreciate what I have in this moment without worrying about the future. At least for the next nine months.

Tell me your favorite - or least favorite - urban pregnancy legends. Are you one yourself?

My husband took this wonderful picture of Luke and I this weekend. Being married to a professional photographer has its upside.

Closure

2008-05-30T08:22:00.009-05:00

For six years I was an elementary school music teacher. I was passionate about music education at the elementary level and I was damn good at it, too. I studied the Kodal.y method and did copious amounts of research about folk music and childhood development. I was going to change the world or at least the world's opinion about classroom music. After my first year of teaching in H.ingham, MA I moved to South Florida with my then boyfriend. I loved the Haitian kids. They would giggle when I tried to speak Creole and taught me songs that I should have recorded. I felt like I was answering a higher calling by teaching a population that was poor and probably would never have the chance for music education outside of school. That's why I got into teaching - to help children learn to explore! When my five year relationship with D ended, I found no reason to stay in South Florida. I left in the middle of the year to save my own sanity and took a job in Houston. Although I grew up in the A.ustin area, I never really spent any time in Houston. A good friend lived there and I needed a place to go where I could lick my wounds and be single again. I found a small inner city school that badly needed a music teacher.

The three years I taught at JWJ would challenge me immensely. There was a homeless shelter that supplied a quarter of our children as well as a neighborhood of crack houses. In my insulated, liberal upbringing I had only heard about people who lived in this kind of abject poverty. I never actually met them. There were kids that I would never want to see again, and there were kids that I still wonder about to this day. I learned Spanish after I realized that my Pre-K music class had only one semi-English speaking child and I learned raunchy jump rope rhymes from the sassy 5th grade girls, which I did record this time.

In the middle of these learning experiences were some very negative ones. It was clear from the beginning that I was treated as an outsider. I thought that after they got to know me, they would understand that I only wanted to teach and do good things for the kids. I did not truly understand how these communities experienced life and how those experiences shaped their views of people. When No C.hild L.eft B.ehind was launched in earnest it put a lot of pressure on already struggling schools financially and academically. (I'm not trying to start a debate here. That is just how it happened.) The whole tone changed. It was viewed, at least in this community, as an assault on inner city schools. Things became difficult and I found myself liking my job less and less. The stress and the feeling that my presence there wasn't doing anybody any good made me decide to leave the profession. I radomly chose HR as a new profession because I thought it would be a smooth transition from teaching. I enrolled as a Graduate student, got a new job in an office and never looked back.

The other day a friend told me that JWJ is closing. They have been closing schools in H.ouston with low enrollment and the neighborhood was being overrun by one bedroom, trendy condos. It was only a matter of time. Most days I don't miss teaching. No matter how crazy my life is now, it does not compare to the stress and exhaustion of teaching. Sometimes, though, I think about how it felt to teach and to shape minds. There were days when I really loved it. There were days when you saw the light bulbs go on and learning was so fun and meaningful. Hearing about the closing was bittersweet. I went to the school's website and found a poem written by one of my choir kids. It was haunting and I wanted to share it with you:

Blessing

Where can you find the blessing?

When the trees stop whispering and the wind stops roaring

And everything around you is one big fight

And your mother is not here to say I love you, my child

But when mother was here she always told me

You will be mighty and sorrowful

But there will be joy in the morning

That's why I wonder:

Are blessings really free between you and me?

"When everything around you is one big fight." Haven't you felt like that before? I have. I still think of myself as a teacher and in my quest to figure out who I am now, it still defines me. Even though I left on a negative note, I still consider my time as an educator as a blessing.

Have you ever made a big career change? Why did you do it and did it change the way you see yourself?

Disconnected

2008-05-27T12:46:00.003-05:00

I survived my first week back at work. I felt really good until Friday when I realized I had a blocked duct in my right breast and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The blocked duct I was able to fix without antibiotics, but the exhaustion is another matter. When I took Luke to daycare this morning I gave him a big kiss and handed him over to Miss Monica. She walked away and his little face watched me leave from over her shoulder. It was heartbreaking.

I have been feeling really disconnected lately. Three months ago I was a totally different person and now that I am back at work and interacting with adults, I realize that I miss the social part of my life. I also realized that I am not sure how I am supposed to feel or behave now that I am a parent.

I am very grateful for what I have. I have a loving husband and a beautiful son. I have a job and daycare that is less than a mile from where I live. I have parents that are close enough to come and babysit on weekends if we need help. I have so many blessing in my life. I can't figure out why I feel so restless.

I know that there are mommy groups out there, but I just don't feel like I have a lot in common with the mom's in this area. I like talking about organic food and politics - usually the liberal side. Houston is not known for either one of those things so it's been hard finding someone who I can relate to who also has a child close to Luke's age. I do have friends that have small children and they are wonderful people. The thing is, their kids can play with each other and Luke just isn't very interactive, yet. I have invited myself over a few times, but I feel badly doing that and it is awkward.

All of this is compounded by the fact that M still works on the house every weekend and we rarely go out and do anything as a family. I know that 3 month olds don't care where they are necessarily, but it's nice to get out and not be by yourself with a baby. I know other families go out with their babies because when I was trying to get pregnant they were EVERYWHERE.

One of my best friends is moving away soon and I realized that when she leaves I won't have that special "go to" person to talk to or meet for coffee, anymore. I know that it is my responsibility to go out there and meet people and that sitting at home feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help anything. I was concentrating so much on wanting to be a mom that I didn't realize I was supposed to be learning how to socialize as one, too. It just feels a little lonely, sometimes.

Going Back

2008-05-20T09:15:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time in a hot and humid kingdom there lived a princess who wanted a baby more than anything in the world. One wonderful day her wish came true and she had a beautiful baby boy. For three months the princess cared for her new little baby every day until one night she went to bed a princess and woke up a working mom.....

Yesterday I woke up before 6am, but not to feed Luke. It was time to return to the workforce. I could tell you that I cried all morning and watched the clock until 5pm, but that wouldn't be true. Everything went very smoothly. I dropped Luke off at daycare where he seemed very happy. I visited him at lunch and gave him a bottle. Then, M picked him up at 4:15pm and they were waiting for me when I got home a little after five. He wasn't damaged or sullen. He was the same happy baby as always.

I never really saw myself as a stay at home mom. It's another one of the many things that I never really understood before it happened to me. There is no clear cut feeling about being a working mother. Just as there is no one emotion I feel about my son. When I look at Luke I feel overwhelming love, fear, hope and fierce protectiveness. When I think about going back to work, I feel sad, excited, hopeful and scared. It's as if two different me's are fighting with each other. Logical me insists on working. There are safer cars to be bought, a bigger house to move into, and a good college to pay for. Providing is loving, too, after all. Emotional me sees every moment during the day that can never be repeated. Every milestone, every smile that I might have seen might now be experienced by someone else. Will he take his first steps towards me or his teacher? After wanting this so badly, how can I just walk away for eight hours a day, five days a week?

I don't have the answer and I can't tell you which part of me might ultimately win. We do need a new car and a bigger house with a yard that is big enough for a swing set. Logical Kate will be reminding Emotional Kate of this every minute of every day, I'm sure. In the mean time I wait for 11:15 to come around so that I can go to daycare and try to catch some of those moments that seem to be going by so quickly.

That Day

2008-05-11T15:32:00.004-05:00

It's That Day. I know that so many feel very bittersweet about Mother's Day. I have to admit, I always thought of it as being for my mother. I didn't dare think about it in terms of myself.

When I got pregnant I always imagined a room full of flowers and some sort of huge celebration for my first Mother's Day. It's been quiet, and I have to admit I like that. My parents came into town, my mother brought me flowers. M is going to make a little piece of artwork for me with Luke footprints that I can take to work. The biggest miracle is that the temperature is mild and the humidity is low enough for us to have the windows open.

I have a family and a deep sense of gratitude that grows every day. A room full of flowers and a huge celebration seem to pale in comparison to that. I have everything I need.

Here is Luke in his baptism gown. It was worn by M and was made out of his mother's wedding dress. Love the bonnet!

It's Been A Long Time.....

2008-05-07T14:59:00.003-05:00

We made it back from Illinois and brought with us a nasty cold. I say nasty because it has been at least three years since I have had a cold. I have forgotten how much they suck Usually, my freakishly strong immune system laughs them off, but I think being sleep deprived has weakened everything. It has settled in my chest and so I go to my allergist tomorrow for some help. Having asthma and breastfeeding make my options for medications sort of tricky. To top it all off, I broke the breast pump. Well, I can still pump one side at a time, but I had to order a replacement part. The good news is that Luke has not shown any signs of getting the cold. Let's hope it stays that way.

Motherhood has been exhausting, although the happy and glad to do it kind of exhausting. Being sick and still having to be a mom? That has been really hard. I guess it sounds stupid to say that. Duh, right? M has been a tremendous help. Once again, my heart goes out to single mothers. I couldn't survive without my husband's help. Last night as I was warming up a bottle with a pounding headache, the fact that I don't get to rest and take a break from Luke just because I am sick really hit me. Every day I have little realizations like this. There are hundreds of little things that remind me that I really do get to keep this child because he is mine. I think that it still feels like a dream that I might wake up from any second.

There are many new Braces Bunch members and I am excited to start reading all of their posts. I have some cards of my own to send out, too. I will have a better post about our trip with some pictures as soon as I get some medicine. Sweet, beautiful medicine!

I Will Remember

2008-04-17T21:56:00.005-05:00

We are leaving tomorrow for the Chicagoland area to visit M's relatives and to have Luke baptized. We were able to schedule a baptism at the church where M and I were married almost three years ago. I realized the other day that I have been keeping this blog for a year now and I couldn't help but think about how things have changed. Going back to Lemont seems appropriate since that is where the whole idea of having children together started. I remember wondering when we would have kids and how many, but I had no idea where that journey would take me.

Reading back through those early posts is painful. I was so unhappy. I was unhappy with my body and life in general. The support of the blogging community really helped and changed my attitude. I realized, once again, how fortunate I am. Thank you to everyone who left a comment or sent a card. It means a lot to me.

I look at Luke sleeping peacefully and I can hardly look away. It still seems so unreal, having a baby of my own. He doesn't have a worry in the world and his whole life is ahead of him. Right now, though, his entire existence is food, warm blankets, and Mommy and Daddy. I will remember this when he is leaving for his first day of Kindergarten, having a teenage hissy fit or packing his car to drive to college. As he gets older, I won't be able to always be there when he cries or needs a warm blanket. There will come a day when he'll want to be on his own. That's why I must remember this time and soak up every minute of it. It's already going by so quickly.

Already?

2008-04-01T16:40:00.002-05:00

Through the haze of sleep deprivation, I realized that I haven't posted in a while. I'm still here and I haven't managed to damage Luke. At least as far as I can tell. The nights have gotten easier. He is going 4 to 5 hours in between feedings and eating more during the day. He is becoming more aware and requires a little more attention during the day, though. I guess it's a trade off.

I've started light exercise - walking, some hand weights, etc.. I'm not officially "cleared" until next week, but since I put away my maternity clothes, my options are very limited. Also, someone asked me when I was going to have the next one. Can you BELIEVE that? Already? I refuse to worry about that until Luke is one. That same person warned me that I could accidentally get pregnant while I'm nursing if I'm not careful. HA! I love that. Sure, I'll be careful. Thanks for the heads up.

I'm Beginning to See the Light

2008-03-13T20:21:00.004-05:00

It's been almost three weeks since Luke was born and I feel like I'm just emerging from the haze. I have adjusted to the lack of sleep and even though we haven't achieved "latch-on", yet, we're still working on it. It's ok, even if we never make it. The baby blues have gotten much better, so maybe the hormones have started to normalize a little bit. The stress of making sure the baby was ok has lessened and I am starting to have the confidence to enjoy being a mom. I know that sounds weird, but the worry was sort of getting in the way of just enjoying the experience.

We took a trip to the pediatrician on Monday because Luke's eye was weeping, and not in a normal way. He has a blocked tear duct, so I have to rub the corner of his eye a few times a day and give him some eye drops. They seem to be working. The really good news is that he gained a whole pound in about 10 days. That means he is up to almost nine pounds, which really helped to ease my worries about whether he was getting enough to eat, etc..

I am ready to loose this weight. I know I'm not supposed to exercise until 6 weeks post-pardum, but I think I may start this weekend. nothing too crazy, just walking and maybe a little easy jogging. I have lost about 20 and still have another 20 or so to go.

My Aunt Joyce sent a really wonderful quilt that she made by hand. It has cats all over it, which is perfect for us. We took a picture of Luke on it and turned it into a Thank You card. I also received the kind gift of a cute onesie from the lovely JJ!

Here is the quilt......

One Week

2008-03-06T13:42:00.005-06:00

Well, Luke has been home one week and we have managed to survive. It's amazing how quickly you adapt to waking up every 21/2 - 3 hours and a lack of sleep. He seems to be growing. He already looks different than the pictures we took at the hospital.

The baby blues hit pretty hard. I had a couple of major meltdowns, mostly due to exhaustion, I'm sure. Also, being trapped at the house and unable to drive still makes it worse. M has been a big help and has taken a lot of time off from work. We are still working on the baby's room so the house is a disaster. I know that has something to do with it, too. Progress is being made, though, and M is working really hard despite being tired, as well. I can drive after Monday, so that will help so much. We can go on walks and get into more of a normal routine. Since I was on bedrest for 3 weeks before he arrived, I think I've hit my limit. Friends have been by and I have gotten out a few times, but it's hard right now. I've lost about 20 pounds, though, so that's good!

Breastfeeding is going ok. Thank you so much for all of the encouragement and advice. I am still using the shield, but am trying to get Luke to latch on without it every time. I know it will get better, but it has been hard. I am going to have to start pumping in preparation for our road trip and going back to work, so who knows what will happen then. I won't give up, but I have decided to forgive myself if things don't go just the way I want them to. The important thing is that Luke is ok. We have our 2 week pediatrician appointment a week from today, so I guess we'll find out if he's gained enough weight and is getting enough to eat.

Overall, motherhood has been a whirl of really strong emotions, so far. I don't think anything could have prepared me for the feelings that wash over me on a daily basis. It terrifying and amazing.

Here is a picture of M with Luke. He grew a beard and wanted to re-create the Paul M.cCartney album cover at the top.

Home Again

2008-02-29T18:50:00.003-06:00

*Baby picture below*

We're home! It was so weird to leave the safe confines of the hospital, but we have managed. Last night was a bit rough, but we've figured out that he'll sleep in the car seat, so that should make things easier. The breast feeding challenges continue. I am still using the shield and have gotten a device that will help make my nipple protrude more (sorry). We also went to the ENT today and got Luke's frenulum clipped. It only took a minute and even with a little blood in his mouth, he didn't cry. He latched on a little better after that, but we still have a ways to go. Other than that, we are doing fine and totally in love.

Thank you, Kate, for your comments about tongue tie. M didn't get his clipped until he was 28 and it was very painful. We wanted to spare Luke the same fate and your comments only made me feel we made the right choice.

Also, thank you so much, Anla, for the beautiful card. It made me cry. Thank you to everyone for the comments and support. :)

Without further ado..............

He's Here!!

2008-02-27T11:41:00.002-06:00

We have welcomed Luke into the world. :)

I am still at the hospital and was just freed from all of my IVs, so I wanted to do a short post. The whole C-Section experience was so surreal. It didn't hurt, but not being able to feel your legs for hours afterwards freaked me out. It's all worth it, though. He is beautiful and I can't imagine my life without him.

Breastfeeding has been a little challenging, but it's getting better. Luke has what they call "tongue tie" which is a frenulum that is attached too far forward under the tongue. It makes it hard to stick out your tongue or nurse very well. They gave me a nipple guard that helps, but we may have to get it clipped. It runs in the family - M had it and one of his brother's kids had it, as well.

M is already such a wonderful father. It has made me fall in love with him all over again. He has been so supportive when I'm trying to feed Luke or when he is being fussy. I feel so lucky that it overwhelms me.

I should be going home tomorrow and I will post a few pics. Thank you all for your support and prayers. It means so much to me.......and to Luke. I'm so glad he's finally here.

Baby Eve

2008-02-24T12:56:00.002-06:00

I'm almost there. This time tomorrow I will have my little one on the outside. I'm still in disbelief that this is actually happening. I keep looking over at the changing table and the pack-n-play and trying to imagine a little baby lying there. I cheated on my bed rest this morning and went out for a last "just you and me" breakfast with M. We are spending the day pretty quietly. M is working on the baby's room and I am going to probably re-pack my suitcase while watching Dr. Who. I will try to post as soon as possible with pictures, hopefully.

Congrats to Shelby who had her baby boy!

One Week To Go!

2008-02-18T17:04:00.002-06:00

We had our final (hopefully) round of appointments today and everything looked fine. The baby is a very healthy 7lbs 11oz and has moved back to his original one leg up, one leg down position. I have gotten in to a little routine with bed rest. Twice a day I have to stay on my left side without getting up "unless there is a fire" as Dr. T said. The rest of the time I am usually sitting up with my feet up, as well. My exciting schedule:

8-9am Spin City Re-Runs
9-10:30am Baby Shows (I used to avoid these, but have recently returned in order to watch the C-section episodes)
10:30-11am You are What You Eat (Excellent show on BBC that I am addicted to)
11am-12pm X-Weighted (Canadian show about people who go on a 6 month program to lose weight)
12pm-1pm Amazing Babies (Basically a show about people not making it to the hospital and delivering in their car)
1pm - nap
2pm - 4pm Rest on my left side again and usually watch a movie or sitcom re-runs.
4pm - Go to the couch and read a breast feeding book
5pm - M comes home

I can't believe that there is only one week to go. M and I are both in a little bit of shock, to tell you the truth. This whole pregnancy has been a little surreal and now here we are. I feel so much that I almost don't feel anything. Nothing will ever be the same, will it?

February 25th

2008-02-11T17:31:00.000-06:00

Greetings from bed rest! I actually got to leave the house twice today for my two appointments. We saw the specialist first who was pleased with the baby's ultrasound. He was practicing breathing and my fluid levels were up to 8. I'm glad to hear that since I have done nothing but drink water and lay around.

Later, at Dr. T's office, we had a non-stress test. We had to do it twice since the baby was being stubborn for the first round and didn't move much. I would have been more worried, but his little heart beat was very strong. Maybe he was just sleeping. He moved around quite a bit the second time, so we got a passing grade. Since the bed rest has helped my blood pressure, I have to stay on it for another two weeks. We are scheduled for a C-Section on February 25th, unless I go into labor before that.

It was odd picking my child's birthday. Everything is so different from how I thought it would be. I guess that's life, though. I think it will be easier getting through this next 2WW knowing the that I will finally get to hold my baby at the end of it.

Thank you so much for all of your comments. Bed rest is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I will start doing movie reviews.

Back Home

2008-02-08T10:12:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back home for the time being. Here is a picture that M took of the room. I'm probably blogging in that picture! The baby continued to pass all of his monitoring with flying colors and my blood pressure went back down to my normal 117/78. Since my urine was clear, they let me go home. I go back on Monday to the specialist for an ultrasound and to my regular OB for a non-stress test. In the mean time, I am laying on my left side as much as possible, drinking TONS of water, taking my blood pressure a few times per day and doing kick counts. That sounds like a lot, but the days stretch out and I am trying to focus on what is really at stake here. Ironically, I am on yet another 2ww!! This is by far the hardest one, though. I am constantly worried that something will happen and I won't know it. The next two weeks can't go by fast enough.

Thank you all so much for your support. It really helps to read all of your comments. I will try to catch up on blogs today. I hope everyone is doing well.

Greetings From the Center of My Universe

2008-02-06T18:45:00.000-06:00

Well, the baby and I are still here and still ok. I spent the day hooked up to various monitoring devices - fetal, contraction, blood pressure and IV. They also have me on the good ol' 24 hour urine collection. M has been with me and my friend T brought me trashy gossip mags and chocolate. I guess it hasn't been that bad of a day. My OB came in during her rounds to check in. She said that they are hoping to buy a few weeks, but not to plan on going back to work. If the levels are still too low, then it will be a birthday! I am ok, just hoping that the baby is ok. I can't help but shake my head at all of this. All of the yoga and careful eating.......this whole time I could have been eating whatever I wanted! I see the specialist tomorrow and then we will know more.

Thank you so much for all of your support and prayers!

Surprise!

2008-02-06T09:16:00.001-06:00

Just went to the Dr. The baby is still breech and my amniotic fluid levels are low. They are sending me to the hospital for 24 hours on an IV. If the levels don't go up, they'll deliver. The baby's heart rate was fine and I am fine, although my blood pressure was up. I'll try to keep you updated as I can. Prayers are appreciated.

Everyone take care out there!

Forty Days

2008-01-24T08:13:00.000-06:00

The countdown continues and the improvements to the house continue, as well! M spent the entire weekend putting up the entertainment center we got during the I.kea death march and I think it looks great! Now, we get to mess everything up again by moving all of the stuff out of the baby's room and tearing up the carpet, etc... I feel so helpless since I can't really lend a hand, so I am trying to do things like cook, clean and do laundry so that M can concentrate on the house projects.

I had my 34 week appointment yesterday and everything is fine. Dr. T took a strep B swab "in case you go into labor." Aaaaagh! That freaked me out! I wanted to yell, "No, not yet! We have too much to do!" Does anyone ever really feel ready? I mean, we have been emotionally ready for a long time, but the physical aspects are different.

I calm myself down by saying that it doesn't matter. We have the P.ack-n-Play and two car seats, so if he does make an early appearance, we have a place for him to sleep and a way to get him home. Also, I don't think he has turned, yet. I still feel kicks in the same spots as always. They are going to do a quick ultrasound to check on him at 36 weeks. "I really want to see him head down at 36 weeks," is what Dr. T said. She has no idea how stubborn my husband's family is. This could be trouble. We go to see the pediatrician today. I know you are supposed to interview more than one, but this Doctor is also my friend MP's Doctor and we see eye to eye on so many things. I think we'll be ok.

There must be something special about 40 Days. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert and 40 days after Easter, Christians celebrate Pentecost. In the Muslim faith, they observe 40 days of mourning after someone passes away. In Kundalini yoga, it is said that after practicing a certain meditation exercise for 40 days you will be transformed. I looked over at my ticker today and see that I have 40 days until my due date. Of course, I admit that after hearing that I now weigh more than my husband, I hope that it will be less than 40 days. Still, it humbles me to think that in 40 days or less my life will change forever.

This and That

2008-01-17T07:56:00.000-06:00

The shower was wonderful! I spent the entire day nearly in tears over the fact that a) we got to have a shower and b) the generosity of our friends. My three friends who threw me the shower really went all out and I am so grateful to them for all of their hard work. There was a ton of food and we opened gifts when the Packer's game came on so that people could choose. Surprisingly, a lot of people watched the gift opening. That was always the part that was hardest for me. We got a lot of great stuff and really only have a few more things to get before we're all set. It was a wonderful, wonderful day.

The painters finished and the house looks really great. We went on an IKEA death march last night to get a new entertainment center and some storage cabinets. When we finally got our stuff it was already 9pm and by the time we managed to barely squeeze everything we got into our vehicle it was already 9:30. Once we get that put together, we can move the stuff out of the baby's room and rip up the carpet, etc... M is going on a ski trip in late January/early February and when he gets back I will be 36 weeks, so we're working against the clock. The countdown will begin! Luckily, this weekend is a holiday weekend, so we will have some extra time to work on everything.

I am once again afraid to see what the scale will say at my next Dr.'s appointment. I haven't been pigging out every night, but I haven't been as strict with my diet, either. I can really feel the slowdown beginning as I enter my 8th month. I feel like gravity is winning the battle, but doesn't it always?

A Call to Arms

2008-01-10T13:16:00.000-06:00

Many of you have already seen this, probably, but if you haven't, please go here and put in your opinion. In brief, Tyra Banks is planning on doing a show at some point on women who are "obsessed with becoming a mom". I wrote in and asked her if she would do a show on women who are "Obsessed with beating cancer". Please go and make you voice heard. This kind of ignorance is why it is so hard to get insurance companies and our own government to recognize infertility as a legitimate medical condition.

Procrastination Station

2008-01-09T15:45:00.000-06:00

Well, there's nothing like waiting until you're 8 months pregnant to start fixing up your house, right? My husband met with some painters and we found out last week that they could come in and do the work this week. We said yes, of course, and they have been doing sheet rock repair and painting all week. We have been staying at our friend's house since all of our stuff was packed away and moved over the bedrooms and the paint fumes aren't my idea of a great potpourri. After that is done, it's off to I.KEA for new shelving and we call another company to put new carpet in the baby's room. Whew! Are you tired, yet? I am! I'm just glad it's getting done. I was starting to prepare myself for the possibility that the room would not be ready in time for the baby.

Our baby shower is this Saturday and we are really looking forward to it. Three good friends are throwing it for us and I appreciate so much what they are doing. It really means a lot. As I said before, it's going to be more like a regular party with lots of food, beer, wine and just hanging out and catching up with people. No games will be played and if people would rather not watch me open gifts, that is just fine with me.

We had our 32 week appointment today with an ultrasound - yay! The baby looks great and everything looked healthy and normal. He was measuring at 33 weeks and 1 day and weighs 4 lbs, 9 oz. They adjusted my due date slightly to Feb. 25th, possibly, because of his size. He's almost 5 lbs! He's going to be a big boy, I guess. He is still breech, which didn't worry Dr. T since 50% of babies are breech at this stage. He also had his foot in front of his face so we were poking at him so that he would move it and she technician was able to get a picture of most of his face. It looks like he is going to take after my husband! Anyway, here he is:

You can see his little toes in front of his left eye and his hand up above. He's running out of room! It was great seeing him and now I really can't wait to see him in person.

Cibele had a great scan this week - go over and congratulate her!

Happy New Year!

2008-01-02T21:43:00.000-06:00

Happy New Year, everyone! The holidays were good until I went to the doctor on the 27th and was told that I gained seven pounds......in two weeks!! A little too much food, maybe?? Geez. Other than that, it was very uneventful, but nice. My mother rescued a kitten a few weeks ago and she turned out to be a very cute little white calico. We kept going back and forth on names, but then the neighbor's son suggested "Puffalina". We thought it was so great that she is now officially Puffalina, or Puff, for short. Here she is:
Isn't she cute? She really made Christmas a lot of fun. I have one more week until my 32 weeks ultrasound and I cannot wait! The last time we saw the baby was at 17 weeks, so this will be quite a change. Hopefully, they will sneak in a few 3D pictures, as well. I just want to make sure that he's ok in there and that we're still on track to have a healthy baby boy. Sometimes, if I let myself think about it, it seems like all of this is happening to someone else. I feel so blessed. I wish all of those blessings and more for everyone in 2008.

Auld Lang Syne

2007-12-20T08:19:00.000-06:00

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!

Guns and Other Fun

2007-12-13T08:07:00.000-06:00

I talk about baby stuff a lot in this post. Sorry.

If you are married, did you register for gifts? I remember dragging M to T.arget and W.illiam S.onoma with much complaining on his part. He got that gun in his hand, though, and the next thing I knew we had registered for a wine fridge and a $1500 espresso machine. (We didn't get either one, thank goodness). A few weeks ago, M had a small meltdown about out baby shower. Neither one of us are really big fans of baby showers. Having suffered through many of them, I knew that if I did have one, it would have to be very non-traditional. Some very kind friends of ours are granting that wish, so off to T.arget I went. I have to admit, it was fun. I also registered on A.mazon for books and music. I refused to go to B.abies-r-U.s. I just can't seem to forgive that store for the way I used to feel when I walked into it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just not there, yet. After the shower meltdown that M had, I assumed he would not be interested in my trip to register. When I told him I was going, he said, "Without me?" I give up. We walked up and down the isles while he pointed out any blanket, bib or towel that had airplanes on it. The power of the gun strikes again.

Every Wednesday for the past three weeks M and I have been attending a "childbirth class". I didn't expect to learn anything new since I could probably open my own fertility and pregnancy bookstore, but they let you pre-register and you get a tour of the hospital. Last night was the hospital tour. Having never even set foot inside this hospital, I was very interested to see what the delivery rooms and nursery looked like. Everything seemed to be fine and everyone ooohed and aaahed over the brand new babies. I got the feeling that everyone tells me about - there's no turning back now. We also watched a C-Section video and more than one of the fathers looked like they weren't going to make it. I also had my 28 week appointment earlier in the day. We get another look at the baby in one month. What a loooong month this is going to be!

I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I don't know why. I certainly have so many things to grateful for, and I am very, very grateful. Perhaps being on the brink of such a big change in my life is making me more reflective. This time of year can be hard. I remember last year was tinged with a little bit of sadness that I didn't have any "good news" to give my parents as the ultimate gift. I thought that I would surely be pregnant by Christmas. My wish is that everyone's greatest hope comes true this year. I don't think I will ever forget how it felt to have that hope and not really know whether the next year would bring wanted I wanted so much.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It really helped me to feel less alone in all of this. Please go and say congrats to Baby Moxie who had a wonderful ultrasound! I hope that everyone stays safe and warm this holiday season!

Home Stretch

2007-12-03T12:35:00.000-06:00

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?

In the Beginning.....

2007-11-27T10:57:00.000-06:00

JJ asked everyone to share their blog's birth story and I thought it was a good idea! I had to think for a moment about what made me start this one. I know that I was Googling furiously one day about why my period was out of whack after stopping birth control. Mine had gone missing shortly after stopping the pill and I was having 42 day cycles. I came across Uterine Wars and I couldn't stop reading. Soper tells her story of tests, miscarriages and finally a decision to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. I'm not doing it justice because she writes about things that touch you so deeply and still manages to make you laugh out loud. I never really thought about adoption or my feelings about adoption and what it means for the parents involved as well as the child. It was very educational and I am so glad I found it. She will probably never see this, but thank you. You don't know how much you helped me. I also found Julie's blog around the same time and was equally touched by her honesty. Through Julie's big list I was able to find many of the blogs I read on a daily basis and the people that I now consider friends. I realized that my feelings did not own me when I was able to write them down and that I could do it in a safe environment by hiding in plain sight in the vastness of cyberspace. To this day only my husband and one good friend know about my blog and I will probably keep it that way.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who writes. I often feel like an outsider since I got pregnant before many of my questions were answered. I haven't been through half of what some of the bloggers have been through, but even tasting a little bit of that pain has made me admire the perseverance and honesty that so many people display through their writing. If I had gotten pregnant right away I would probably be one of the jerks that you write about, but I feel like I have been saved from jerkdom and humbled by your kindness and openness. Things that I might have taken for granted will never be viewed with anything but wonderment and gratitude. Thank you all for that gift.

Red Pills and Sugar Drinks

2007-11-19T09:22:00.000-06:00

Well, I survived my glucose screening. Everyone made it sound like it was going to be the most horrible thing in the world. Another episode of "Mommy Hazing", to steal a phrase. It wasn't that bad. The drink tastes like that cheap punch they serve in school. The good news is, I passed and my blood sugar was in normal range. I am, however, a little anemic. I don't feel that way, but, as I have said before, being a teacher will completely throw off your judgement of exhaustion. I have to take a huge, red horse pill every other day. They gave a laundry list of horrible things that the pills might do to you, including constipation, but so far I haven't noticed anything. Knock on wood.

Saturday, I made dinner for a few friends and we hung out and played with the kids (twin girls, age one and a 2.5 year old boy). M decided to go and watch movies at our friend D's house. I met them there afterwards with part of a pie that I made and they were both completely and totally drunk. I mean plastered. Since we have met I have only seen M like that maybe two other times. I had to laugh because they were pretty funny.

If you go over to Baby Moxie you will see some wonderful news! I am so very happy for her! Also, go and visit Lara who is in the middle of a wait after a transfer.

For those of you that celebrate Thanksgiving I hope everyone has a healthy and happy one!

I Want Candy?

2007-11-13T08:16:00.000-06:00

I was not really allowed to watch TV as a child. At the time, of course, it was pure torture, but I appreciate it now. I probably wouldn't have read all of the wonderful books that I did if we were allowed to watch an unlimited amount of TV. Now, however, i find that it is quite easy to just sit on the couch all night and just turn off my mind. It doesn't help that we just got new cable service that came with a DVR. I love this thing. Also, we now have BBC America. I love BBC. Those of you "across the pond" just don't realize how much better your programming is, overall. I do think that my love of British TV is starting to affect my dreams.

Last night I dreamed that the characters from The O.ffice (American) and I were in a band and were entering a Battle of the Bands type competition. I don't remember what song we were supposed to sing, but the band before us sang the same song, so at the last minute we sang the 80's hit, I Want Candy. (Don't ask me why. I haven't heard that song in ages. Maybe I really did just want candy.) So, we did, and while we didn't win the competition, all of the other bands came up and congratulated us. All of the really cute musicians with English accents kept telling me, "you were fantastic", etc... It was actually really nice.

Last night at dinner I was telling M that as the due date approaches I don't really feel ready. I don't feel different than I did when I was 16. Maybe this dream was a throwback to my memories of being in a punk band in college, which was really fun. Perhaps the praise was a way for my subconscious to give my conscience the reassurance that, in fact, I am not the big blob I feel like. Or, maybe I watch too much freaking TV.

Please go over to Baby Moxie and give her some good thoughts as she waits after her 2nd IVF. I am sending many, many good thoughts her way! Also, go and congratulate Fertilize Me on a great ultrasound!

You Don't Say...

2007-11-09T13:22:00.000-06:00

Ok, this is just weird.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing.

You bring security and harmony to many.

At times, you are also a very sensual person.

You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire.

Your fortune:

You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life.

It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you.

It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be.

You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Acceptance

2007-11-06T10:37:00.000-06:00

While I was in jury duty hell yesterday, I had time to think about all of my parenting issues. After reading a really great article in Y.oga J.ournal about taming your inner control freak, I realized that I was trying to control the situation. When you try to control the situation, the situation always ends up controlling you. So, I realized that I somehow have to balance my legitimate concern about my parents health and well-being and my need to make them people that they aren't. Am I really willing to spend all of that energy trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so? No, I'm not. I know I have spoken about this book before, but it is so good. It has really helped me gain a lot of perspective in my life. One thing it talked about was acceptance and its "shadow" emotion - resentment. That is so true for this situation. It's because I can't accept the situation that I am trying to control it. If I feel uncomfortable with the way my parents behave, then I won't be a part of it. I have decided to give myself permission to do that. They know how I feel, so there is really nothing more that needs to be said.

Thanks to all of you who commented and left all of the compliments! I admit, I have been feeling pretty unattractive lately and I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it's temporary. It's still hard sometimes, though, so thanks! It really cheered me up!

Who's the Child?

2007-11-02T08:07:00.000-05:00

The Halloween party was a lot of fun and I have included a picture of M and I. Please notice the 80's glasses on M (he actually wore those in the 80s) and the cigarettes in my sleeve. It was a good party and I'm really glad we went!

LJ wrote a post this week that touched upon the way we sometimes feel like the parents of our parents. I have been going through this a lot lately. My parents have always been sort of unusual. They are self-proclaimed "old hippies" with liberal political views and lots of animals in the house. That part never bothered me before, but now that I think about bringing my child there, I feel differently. The house is so cluttered and full of, well, crap that they don't need. I want to scream.

My mother suffered from an eating disorder and depression for most of my childhood and although she now gets help and is definitely not the woman who raised me, our relationship has never recovered. We are not best friends. I don't call her when I've had a bad day or when M and I have a fight. Every time I do confide in her, she so desperately wants to make up for the crappy parent she used to be, I just end up feeling like I'm being treated like a child. I have made my peace with that, but she has not. She is the kind of person that will plough ahead and do what she set out to do regardless of the wishes of the people her actions impact the most. From the moment M and I got married, all she could talk about was grandkids. Now, she is finally getting what she has wanted for so long, yet she remains uninterested in cleaning the house or being more vigilant about her health. It worries me so much and nothing that I express to her gets through. I end up trying to clean the house every time I go over there, but I know that it will simply go back to the way it was. My dad? He just doesn't seem to get it either. I know I need to let this go, and I would if it were just me. Now, though, I just think that I don't want to bring my baby over there. My brother and I have both tried talking to them, but it just isn't getting through. Am I going to have to use my child as a threat? If anyone else has gone through this or something similar to this, I would really appreciate some comments. It's on my mind all of the time and I really don't know what to do.

Whiskey Tango

2007-10-23T08:30:00.000-05:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me and I feel very lucky to have such a great support system. I spoke with my parents and my brother last night after the funeral. They said it was sad, but good, and that everyone seemed to take comfort from being together. They all went to my other Aunt's house afterwards where there was a lot of food, laughter, and stories. It was very fitting and I think that Aunt J's spirit was there and was happy. What more can you ask for?

Every year my friend L has a huge Halloween party that everyone looks forward to. The costumes get pretty creative and I love seeing what other people come up with. I've been looking for something really good that incorporates my belly, which is pretty visible now. I decided to go as "Miz White Trash". (I normally think those kinds of things are kind of insulting, as if I'm making fun of people who are poor, but in this part of the country there are plenty of people who fall into the WT category who are not poor at all. It cuts across all socio-economic boundaries in T.exas. Also, I decided that maybe I needed to lighten up and have a sense of humor.)

I bought a used prom gown that really doesn't fit and will put some rollers in my hair and generally not make any sort of effort to hide my figure or make myself look, well, like "Miss" anything. As I was thinking about it, I realized what I really was going to be. I am going to be every irresponsible, liquor drinking, cigarette smoking, too young pregnant person I ever read about that made me say, "She can get pregnant, and I can't????" I am going to get an empty pack of cigarettes from someone and stick them in the cleavage that I now have and get an empty liquor bottle and put apple juice in it or something. That should complete the outfit. I know people will laugh, but I also know that there will be just the teeniest amount of bitterness on my part that no one will know about but me. I will also feel a sense of gratitude for my own condition and that the belly under my dress is my own. That is something I could never forget.

Is anyone else going to a party? If so, I would love to hear about the costume you are choosing!

Please go over and see Hope who got some bad news and needs some love. I am so damn sorry, sweetie.

It Goes On

2007-10-18T08:11:00.000-05:00

I hate early morning phone calls. They are never good news. This morning was no exception. My Aunt J passed away early this morning. She was in hospice after an exhausting battle with cancer that started in her lungs from years of being a smoker. My father is #6 out of 7 kids, and Aunt J was the youngest. He was holding it together pretty well, I thought, but I could tell his heart was breaking. As he told me the details that he knew, I could feel the baby kicking me. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

In three words I can sum up everything I know about life - It Goes On. - Robert Frost

Goodbye, Aunt J. I will miss your laugh and your cooking. Be at peace.

Halfway

2007-10-16T16:27:00.000-05:00

Today marks 20 weeks! It seems like I've been pregnant for much longer, although I do not mean that as a complaint. I've been trying to appreciate every single moment of this whole experience and that may account for the sloooow passage of time. Of course, when I think about how NOTHING is ready in the house, time seems to have gone by more quickly. At any rate, I am happy and grateful to be here at this point. I feel the baby move several times every day as he gets stronger and stronger. It's so amazing.

We had a wonderful time in Virginia/DC and I will try to post a picture soon. I love spending time with the niece and two nephews. They are so hilarious! We visited the WWII memorial and I thought it was very nice. We just finished watching The W.ar on PBS, so it seemed a little more real than I think it would have normally. Did anyone else see that documentary? I thought it was amazing. I have my monthly check-up tomorrow and we go to look at a daycare on Thursday. This is all really going to happen! If I sit and think about it, it starts to scare me a little bit. I even bought a book meant for men to learn about baby care. What's worse, I didn't know a lot of the facts in the book!

Tomorrow I am going to see a friend who is going through a really hard time. She is an IF veteran and has been trying for child number two for a few years now. Her wonderful son came to the world after a really heartbreaking pregnancy loss at 6 months and she just had her first foray into the world of IVF. After a good initial report, they told her when she went in for the transfer that the embies did not progress as they had hoped. They went ahead with the transfer, but no one was really optimistic. My heart breaks for her. She has been through so much and now this. I could hear how lonely she felt in her grief when I spoke to her on the phone. If you happen to have a few moments, maybe you can spare a good thought for her.

My good thoughts are with all of you, especially those of you who lit a candle yesterday.

Allergies and Such

2007-10-04T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, the trip to the allergist was interesting to say the least. It turns out that one of her specialities is treating pregnant women who have asthma and allergies. I guess that's one advantage to living in a large, polluted city with one of the largest medical centers in the world. I have never been to an allergist. No one in my family has asthma and I always just treated my sinus headaches with over the counter whatever. They gave me a breathing test and when the doctor came in she told me: Someone your age, non-smoker who is not overweight should be in the 90th percentile, at least. You're an 82. Oops. I guess that little cough I always have (I call it the Houston cough) actually was something. I asked her if it could be because I was pregnant because I might as well blame it on the baby, right? She told me that while the diaphragm is squeezed, that does not affect lung flow. She told me to try not to use the Tylenol sinus because decongestants are not the best thing in your first two trimesters, hence the rising blood pressure. I walked out of there with TWO inhalers, one nasal spray and z.yrtec. Lord almighty! Do any of you guys have any experience with mild asthma, inhalers or anything like that?

Meanwhile, I feel the baby kicking more and more and it is pretty cool! We are leaving tomorrow for M.clean, VA to visit M's brother who just built a new house that I am dying to see. It will be nice to get a small break from the heat since it is still in the 90's here. Thank you global warming. If you haven't gone to see Leah, she has FANTASIC news! LJ got a great fertilization result from her retrieval and I hope those cells keep dividing!!!! Also, Baby Moxie is wearing the cutest green dress/blouse ever. I love it!

Boy, Oh, Boy!

2007-09-27T08:18:00.000-05:00

*Ultrasound pictures below*

We had our 17 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked really good. They told us for sure it's a boy and we got a really good look because he stuck his ass right in the "camera". Thanks for that! The blood tests came back great and I just can't believe that we are so on track. We are having a boy! Wow.

I just have to share something that happened at work. I was processing a new employee and the cost of health care came up. She mentioned that she had insurance, but resented it because she didn't go to Doctors and only practiced natural medicine. Ok, fine, I thought. Since she has three kids she keeps the insurance in case of emergencies or broken bones. She then proceeded to complain about the cost of insurance being due to "those illegal immigrants". Now, I am a pretty open minded person in a closed minded part of the country, so I can always sense when racist rant is headed my way. I felt the need to head her off before it got worse, so I explained to her what factors really keep insurance rates high, but she just sort of looked at me with vacant eyes. Then she came up with this little gem:

Yeah, and people with diabetes. I got a flyer in the mail for a walk for diabetes research. Why don't they just stop eating sugar? Ever thought of that? What?????????? Are you kidding me? I felt like I was in an episode of The Office. What a horrible thing to say! I almost wanted to laugh, it was so terrible.

Anyway, congrats to Fatty Pants and Vacant Womb who have all gotten great news recently. I am also thinking about Becky. If you have a chance, go and give her some love. Thank you so much to JJ for her wonderful cd. I love all of the music. I am a firm believer in music therapy and I can tell that she is, as well! I have a bunch of stuff to send out to the Braces Bunch. School and work have been eating my lunch, lately, but I will get to it soon, I promise!

Ok, here is the little one with his butt in the air:

And here are some profile shots:

Point it Down

2007-09-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

I had my monthly checkup today at 16weeks and 1 day and everything looks good. My blood pressure was up, not dangerously up, but higher than last time. Dr. T thinks it may be due to the Tylenol allergy medicine have to take at least once a day. The sinus headaches are getting really bad. So, now I have to go to an allergist. One week from today I have the 17 week ultrasound and they will tell us "for sure" that it's a boy. I'm just looking forward to seeing him again!!

A few weeks ago I went to the mall with my friends MW and SL, both IF survivors and both a great source of support for me. MW has twin girls, about 1 year and SL has one 2 year old boy. I thought it was going to be a little torturous, I have to admit. I'm not a big fan of malls and the chaos of the kids.......well, you can probably understand. It was actually a lot of fun. We ended up in the food court and I watched SL run after her toddler while I ate my C.hick-fil-a and MW fed the girls cheerios. They fired off advice and I tried to keep up. Strollers, diaper bags, clothes, swings....it came at me pretty fast. I just kept eating and thought about how I hadn't set foot in a B.abies-r-Us in over a year. All of a sudden, SL gave a little scream. "He just peed on me!" She had just changed her son's diaper, but forgot one crucial detail: you have to point his little peeps down. Otherwise, it's everywhere but the diaper. I have to say that I can't remember any of the advice that was given to me, but I will never forget what I learned that day - point it down.

We have had a few BFPs and it's so great! I am also thinking about everyone who is still waiting for theirs. I'm always thinking of you.

Barren Bitches Book Tour: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

2007-09-17T15:43:00.000-05:00

This was a very interesting book. Within a good relationship story there were a lot of issues covered: infidelity, blended families, miscarriage, and loss. I was intrigued by the Carolyn character, since no one can be that much of a bitch.......can they? I would like to have more of a peek into her experience, but that will have to be for the next book, hmmm? I locve the titel because love is so complicated in all of its forms. In a relationship wit your spouse, parents, children and yourself. Nothing is black and white. Emilia was not always a nice person or a likable one and I appreciated that very much. The conflict I felt about some of her actions made the book much more that just a "fun read". It made me examine some of my own feelings about relationships I have or used to have in my life.

Now, on to the questions...............

Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

I think that grief of any kind can be a lonely experience. The reason I started my blog was because I felt a certain amount of loneliness when confronted with my fertility or lack thereof. When people say "support group" it often brings to mind a circle of folding chairs in a church basement with sensitive ponytail man leading the group. IN this day and age I see a lot of different kinds of support groups. As I mentioned before, this blogging community has been a tremendous source of support for me and I know that there are many others who would agree!

As Emilia is grieving over the loss of Isabel, she mentions that her friend Mindy's miscarriage is not nearly the same as losing a child that you have held in your arms. How did this comment affect you? Did you agree that despite her efforts, Mindy is unable to relate to her and that the experiences are totally different?

I have never experienced Emilia or Mindy's loss, but I am always very hesitant to try to judge other's pain by my own. That comment made me uncomfortable. It would be a nightmare beyond my reckoning to wake up and find that my baby was dead. Even now it sends shivers down my spine. At the same time, I live with the fear every day that something will happen to my unborn child and I will have a miscarriage. Perhaps it isn't about whether or not their pain is the same kind of pain because they are two different people with a lifetime of different experiences. I think that the experiences are totally different but that does not mean that one outranks the other, even though society might judge it to be that way. As far as being able to relate to someone else's pain I have to say again that Emilia's anger towards Mindy's wanting to relate to her is wrapped up in Emilia's own anger over the whole situation.

Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

It seemed to me that Jack was a little out of touch with that whole situation. Emilia wanted to prove that she was ok and tough and Jack wanted to believe that they could continue to function as a (somewhat) normal family. I also thought that Jack should have stuck up for Emilia a little more when it came to Carolyn's extremely strict way of doing.....everything. Maybe he felt guilty - I don't know. No, I don't think that Emilia should have had to keep the insanity going while she had William in the afternoons. Rather than a time to get to know each other it became stressful for Emilia as she wondered what mistake she would make next.

Can't Help It

2007-09-11T08:05:00.000-05:00

I did what I said I would not do and bought baby clothes. Only two items, but as I walked up to the register at B.aby G.ap I felt like I was inviting disaster. I took a deep breath and bought the onesie and the little shirt. I love them. I take them out and look at them, imagining how our baby might look wearing them. I've been allowing myself to imagine these kinds of things, but it feels strange. I am waiting to feel his first movements inside of me and waiting to feel that sense of relief when I do. I know the worry will never go away, but there are certain things that make you feel better.

M's sister sent us an outfit for the baby yesterday and I tucked it carefully away with the others. Other than that, we haven't bought anything. Not one piece of furniture or accessory. I have , however, started talking to daycares. Staying at home isn't going to be a possibility for us and I have come to terms with that. There is a Montessori school that has excellent infant care, so we are going to bite the bullet (financially) and sign up. I thought M would have a minor heart attack when he heard how much it cost, but he was surprisingly calm.

I go in for the second blood draw for the NT scan and related testing on Monday. Then, I have my second "regular" OB appointment. A week later we should have our second scan and will find out for sure the gender. I can't wait. I miss seeing him! On that note, here is a picture from the 13 week scan which is now a couple of weeks old. He's starting to look like a real baby!

There are several people who have had transfers and are waiting for beta tests. I am hoping and praying that everyone gets good news. Baby Moxie, I am especially thinking about you today!