Baby Eve

I'm almost there. This time tomorrow I will have my little one on the outside. I'm still in disbelief that this is actually happening. I keep looking over at the changing table and the pack-n-play and trying to imagine a little baby lying there. I cheated on my bed rest this morning and went out for a last "just you and me" breakfast with M. We are spending the day pretty quietly. M is working on the baby's room and I am going to probably re-pack my suitcase while watching Dr. Who. I will try to post as soon as possible with pictures, hopefully.

Congrats to Shelby who had her baby boy!

One Week To Go!

We had our final (hopefully) round of appointments today and everything looked fine. The baby is a very healthy 7lbs 11oz and has moved back to his original one leg up, one leg down position. I have gotten in to a little routine with bed rest. Twice a day I have to stay on my left side without getting up "unless there is a fire" as Dr. T said. The rest of the time I am usually sitting up with my feet up, as well. My exciting schedule:

8-9am Spin City Re-Runs
9-10:30am Baby Shows (I used to avoid these, but have recently returned in order to watch the C-section episodes)
10:30-11am You are What You Eat (Excellent show on BBC that I am addicted to)
11am-12pm X-Weighted (Canadian show about people who go on a 6 month program to lose weight)
12pm-1pm Amazing Babies (Basically a show about people not making it to the hospital and delivering in their car)
1pm - nap
2pm - 4pm Rest on my left side again and usually watch a movie or sitcom re-runs.
4pm - Go to the couch and read a breast feeding book
5pm - M comes home

I can't believe that there is only one week to go. M and I are both in a little bit of shock, to tell you the truth. This whole pregnancy has been a little surreal and now here we are. I feel so much that I almost don't feel anything. Nothing will ever be the same, will it?

February 25th

Greetings from bed rest! I actually got to leave the house twice today for my two appointments. We saw the specialist first who was pleased with the baby's ultrasound. He was practicing breathing and my fluid levels were up to 8. I'm glad to hear that since I have done nothing but drink water and lay around.

Later, at Dr. T's office, we had a non-stress test. We had to do it twice since the baby was being stubborn for the first round and didn't move much. I would have been more worried, but his little heart beat was very strong. Maybe he was just sleeping. He moved around quite a bit the second time, so we got a passing grade. Since the bed rest has helped my blood pressure, I have to stay on it for another two weeks. We are scheduled for a C-Section on February 25th, unless I go into labor before that.

It was odd picking my child's birthday. Everything is so different from how I thought it would be. I guess that's life, though. I think it will be easier getting through this next 2WW knowing the that I will finally get to hold my baby at the end of it.

Thank you so much for all of your comments. Bed rest is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Maybe I will start doing movie reviews.

Back Home

Well, I'm back home for the time being. Here is a picture that M took of the room. I'm probably blogging in that picture! The baby continued to pass all of his monitoring with flying colors and my blood pressure went back down to my normal 117/78. Since my urine was clear, they let me go home. I go back on Monday to the specialist for an ultrasound and to my regular OB for a non-stress test. In the mean time, I am laying on my left side as much as possible, drinking TONS of water, taking my blood pressure a few times per day and doing kick counts. That sounds like a lot, but the days stretch out and I am trying to focus on what is really at stake here. Ironically, I am on yet another 2ww!! This is by far the hardest one, though. I am constantly worried that something will happen and I won't know it. The next two weeks can't go by fast enough.

Thank you all so much for your support. It really helps to read all of your comments. I will try to catch up on blogs today. I hope everyone is doing well.

Greetings From the Center of My Universe

Well, the baby and I are still here and still ok. I spent the day hooked up to various monitoring devices - fetal, contraction, blood pressure and IV. They also have me on the good ol' 24 hour urine collection. M has been with me and my friend T brought me trashy gossip mags and chocolate. I guess it hasn't been that bad of a day. My OB came in during her rounds to check in. She said that they are hoping to buy a few weeks, but not to plan on going back to work. If the levels are still too low, then it will be a birthday! I am ok, just hoping that the baby is ok. I can't help but shake my head at all of this. All of the yoga and careful eating.......this whole time I could have been eating whatever I wanted! I see the specialist tomorrow and then we will know more.

Thank you so much for all of your support and prayers!

Surprise!

Just went to the Dr. The baby is still breech and my amniotic fluid levels are low. They are sending me to the hospital for 24 hours on an IV. If the levels don't go up, they'll deliver. The baby's heart rate was fine and I am fine, although my blood pressure was up. I'll try to keep you updated as I can. Prayers are appreciated.

Everyone take care out there!

Forty Days

The countdown continues and the improvements to the house continue, as well! M spent the entire weekend putting up the entertainment center we got during the I.kea death march and I think it looks great! Now, we get to mess everything up again by moving all of the stuff out of the baby's room and tearing up the carpet, etc... I feel so helpless since I can't really lend a hand, so I am trying to do things like cook, clean and do laundry so that M can concentrate on the house projects.

I had my 34 week appointment yesterday and everything is fine. Dr. T took a strep B swab "in case you go into labor." Aaaaagh! That freaked me out! I wanted to yell, "No, not yet! We have too much to do!" Does anyone ever really feel ready? I mean, we have been emotionally ready for a long time, but the physical aspects are different.

I calm myself down by saying that it doesn't matter. We have the P.ack-n-Play and two car seats, so if he does make an early appearance, we have a place for him to sleep and a way to get him home. Also, I don't think he has turned, yet. I still feel kicks in the same spots as always. They are going to do a quick ultrasound to check on him at 36 weeks. "I really want to see him head down at 36 weeks," is what Dr. T said. She has no idea how stubborn my husband's family is. This could be trouble. We go to see the pediatrician today. I know you are supposed to interview more than one, but this Doctor is also my friend MP's Doctor and we see eye to eye on so many things. I think we'll be ok.

There must be something special about 40 Days. Jesus spent 40 days in the desert and 40 days after Easter, Christians celebrate Pentecost. In the Muslim faith, they observe 40 days of mourning after someone passes away. In Kundalini yoga, it is said that after practicing a certain meditation exercise for 40 days you will be transformed. I looked over at my ticker today and see that I have 40 days until my due date. Of course, I admit that after hearing that I now weigh more than my husband, I hope that it will be less than 40 days. Still, it humbles me to think that in 40 days or less my life will change forever.

This and That

The shower was wonderful! I spent the entire day nearly in tears over the fact that a) we got to have a shower and b) the generosity of our friends. My three friends who threw me the shower really went all out and I am so grateful to them for all of their hard work. There was a ton of food and we opened gifts when the Packer's game came on so that people could choose. Surprisingly, a lot of people watched the gift opening. That was always the part that was hardest for me. We got a lot of great stuff and really only have a few more things to get before we're all set. It was a wonderful, wonderful day.

The painters finished and the house looks really great. We went on an IKEA death march last night to get a new entertainment center and some storage cabinets. When we finally got our stuff it was already 9pm and by the time we managed to barely squeeze everything we got into our vehicle it was already 9:30. Once we get that put together, we can move the stuff out of the baby's room and rip up the carpet, etc... M is going on a ski trip in late January/early February and when he gets back I will be 36 weeks, so we're working against the clock. The countdown will begin! Luckily, this weekend is a holiday weekend, so we will have some extra time to work on everything.

I am once again afraid to see what the scale will say at my next Dr.'s appointment. I haven't been pigging out every night, but I haven't been as strict with my diet, either. I can really feel the slowdown beginning as I enter my 8th month. I feel like gravity is winning the battle, but doesn't it always?

A Call to Arms

Many of you have already seen this, probably, but if you haven't, please go here and put in your opinion. In brief, Tyra Banks is planning on doing a show at some point on women who are "obsessed with becoming a mom". I wrote in and asked her if she would do a show on women who are "Obsessed with beating cancer". Please go and make you voice heard. This kind of ignorance is why it is so hard to get insurance companies and our own government to recognize infertility as a legitimate medical condition.

Procrastination Station

Well, there's nothing like waiting until you're 8 months pregnant to start fixing up your house, right? My husband met with some painters and we found out last week that they could come in and do the work this week. We said yes, of course, and they have been doing sheet rock repair and painting all week. We have been staying at our friend's house since all of our stuff was packed away and moved over the bedrooms and the paint fumes aren't my idea of a great potpourri. After that is done, it's off to I.KEA for new shelving and we call another company to put new carpet in the baby's room. Whew! Are you tired, yet? I am! I'm just glad it's getting done. I was starting to prepare myself for the possibility that the room would not be ready in time for the baby.

Our baby shower is this Saturday and we are really looking forward to it. Three good friends are throwing it for us and I appreciate so much what they are doing. It really means a lot. As I said before, it's going to be more like a regular party with lots of food, beer, wine and just hanging out and catching up with people. No games will be played and if people would rather not watch me open gifts, that is just fine with me.

We had our 32 week appointment today with an ultrasound - yay! The baby looks great and everything looked healthy and normal. He was measuring at 33 weeks and 1 day and weighs 4 lbs, 9 oz. They adjusted my due date slightly to Feb. 25th, possibly, because of his size. He's almost 5 lbs! He's going to be a big boy, I guess. He is still breech, which didn't worry Dr. T since 50% of babies are breech at this stage. He also had his foot in front of his face so we were poking at him so that he would move it and she technician was able to get a picture of most of his face. It looks like he is going to take after my husband! Anyway, here he is:

You can see his little toes in front of his left eye and his hand up above. He's running out of room! It was great seeing him and now I really can't wait to see him in person.

Cibele had a great scan this week - go over and congratulate her!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, everyone! The holidays were good until I went to the doctor on the 27th and was told that I gained seven pounds......in two weeks!! A little too much food, maybe?? Geez. Other than that, it was very uneventful, but nice. My mother rescued a kitten a few weeks ago and she turned out to be a very cute little white calico. We kept going back and forth on names, but then the neighbor's son suggested "Puffalina". We thought it was so great that she is now officially Puffalina, or Puff, for short. Here she is:
Isn't she cute? She really made Christmas a lot of fun. I have one more week until my 32 weeks ultrasound and I cannot wait! The last time we saw the baby was at 17 weeks, so this will be quite a change. Hopefully, they will sneak in a few 3D pictures, as well. I just want to make sure that he's ok in there and that we're still on track to have a healthy baby boy. Sometimes, if I let myself think about it, it seems like all of this is happening to someone else. I feel so blessed. I wish all of those blessings and more for everyone in 2008.

Auld Lang Syne

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!

Guns and Other Fun

I talk about baby stuff a lot in this post. Sorry.

If you are married, did you register for gifts? I remember dragging M to T.arget and W.illiam S.onoma with much complaining on his part. He got that gun in his hand, though, and the next thing I knew we had registered for a wine fridge and a $1500 espresso machine. (We didn't get either one, thank goodness). A few weeks ago, M had a small meltdown about out baby shower. Neither one of us are really big fans of baby showers. Having suffered through many of them, I knew that if I did have one, it would have to be very non-traditional. Some very kind friends of ours are granting that wish, so off to T.arget I went. I have to admit, it was fun. I also registered on A.mazon for books and music. I refused to go to B.abies-r-U.s. I just can't seem to forgive that store for the way I used to feel when I walked into it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just not there, yet. After the shower meltdown that M had, I assumed he would not be interested in my trip to register. When I told him I was going, he said, "Without me?" I give up. We walked up and down the isles while he pointed out any blanket, bib or towel that had airplanes on it. The power of the gun strikes again.


Every Wednesday for the past three weeks M and I have been attending a "childbirth class". I didn't expect to learn anything new since I could probably open my own fertility and pregnancy bookstore, but they let you pre-register and you get a tour of the hospital. Last night was the hospital tour. Having never even set foot inside this hospital, I was very interested to see what the delivery rooms and nursery looked like. Everything seemed to be fine and everyone ooohed and aaahed over the brand new babies. I got the feeling that everyone tells me about - there's no turning back now. We also watched a C-Section video and more than one of the fathers looked like they weren't going to make it. I also had my 28 week appointment earlier in the day. We get another look at the baby in one month. What a loooong month this is going to be!

I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I don't know why. I certainly have so many things to grateful for, and I am very, very grateful. Perhaps being on the brink of such a big change in my life is making me more reflective. This time of year can be hard. I remember last year was tinged with a little bit of sadness that I didn't have any "good news" to give my parents as the ultimate gift. I thought that I would surely be pregnant by Christmas. My wish is that everyone's greatest hope comes true this year. I don't think I will ever forget how it felt to have that hope and not really know whether the next year would bring wanted I wanted so much.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It really helped me to feel less alone in all of this. Please go and say congrats to Baby Moxie who had a wonderful ultrasound! I hope that everyone stays safe and warm this holiday season!

Home Stretch

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?

In the Beginning.....

JJ asked everyone to share their blog's birth story and I thought it was a good idea! I had to think for a moment about what made me start this one. I know that I was Googling furiously one day about why my period was out of whack after stopping birth control. Mine had gone missing shortly after stopping the pill and I was having 42 day cycles. I came across Uterine Wars and I couldn't stop reading. Soper tells her story of tests, miscarriages and finally a decision to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. I'm not doing it justice because she writes about things that touch you so deeply and still manages to make you laugh out loud. I never really thought about adoption or my feelings about adoption and what it means for the parents involved as well as the child. It was very educational and I am so glad I found it. She will probably never see this, but thank you. You don't know how much you helped me. I also found Julie's blog around the same time and was equally touched by her honesty. Through Julie's big list I was able to find many of the blogs I read on a daily basis and the people that I now consider friends. I realized that my feelings did not own me when I was able to write them down and that I could do it in a safe environment by hiding in plain sight in the vastness of cyberspace. To this day only my husband and one good friend know about my blog and I will probably keep it that way.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who writes. I often feel like an outsider since I got pregnant before many of my questions were answered. I haven't been through half of what some of the bloggers have been through, but even tasting a little bit of that pain has made me admire the perseverance and honesty that so many people display through their writing. If I had gotten pregnant right away I would probably be one of the jerks that you write about, but I feel like I have been saved from jerkdom and humbled by your kindness and openness. Things that I might have taken for granted will never be viewed with anything but wonderment and gratitude. Thank you all for that gift.

Red Pills and Sugar Drinks

Well, I survived my glucose screening. Everyone made it sound like it was going to be the most horrible thing in the world. Another episode of "Mommy Hazing", to steal a phrase. It wasn't that bad. The drink tastes like that cheap punch they serve in school. The good news is, I passed and my blood sugar was in normal range. I am, however, a little anemic. I don't feel that way, but, as I have said before, being a teacher will completely throw off your judgement of exhaustion. I have to take a huge, red horse pill every other day. They gave a laundry list of horrible things that the pills might do to you, including constipation, but so far I haven't noticed anything. Knock on wood.

Saturday, I made dinner for a few friends and we hung out and played with the kids (twin girls, age one and a 2.5 year old boy). M decided to go and watch movies at our friend D's house. I met them there afterwards with part of a pie that I made and they were both completely and totally drunk. I mean plastered. Since we have met I have only seen M like that maybe two other times. I had to laugh because they were pretty funny.

If you go over to Baby Moxie you will see some wonderful news! I am so very happy for her! Also, go and visit Lara who is in the middle of a wait after a transfer.

For those of you that celebrate Thanksgiving I hope everyone has a healthy and happy one!

I Want Candy?

I was not really allowed to watch TV as a child. At the time, of course, it was pure torture, but I appreciate it now. I probably wouldn't have read all of the wonderful books that I did if we were allowed to watch an unlimited amount of TV. Now, however, i find that it is quite easy to just sit on the couch all night and just turn off my mind. It doesn't help that we just got new cable service that came with a DVR. I love this thing. Also, we now have BBC America. I love BBC. Those of you "across the pond" just don't realize how much better your programming is, overall. I do think that my love of British TV is starting to affect my dreams.

Last night I dreamed that the characters from The O.ffice (American) and I were in a band and were entering a Battle of the Bands type competition. I don't remember what song we were supposed to sing, but the band before us sang the same song, so at the last minute we sang the 80's hit, I Want Candy. (Don't ask me why. I haven't heard that song in ages. Maybe I really did just want candy.) So, we did, and while we didn't win the competition, all of the other bands came up and congratulated us. All of the really cute musicians with English accents kept telling me, "you were fantastic", etc... It was actually really nice.

Last night at dinner I was telling M that as the due date approaches I don't really feel ready. I don't feel different than I did when I was 16. Maybe this dream was a throwback to my memories of being in a punk band in college, which was really fun. Perhaps the praise was a way for my subconscious to give my conscience the reassurance that, in fact, I am not the big blob I feel like. Or, maybe I watch too much freaking TV.

Please go over to Baby Moxie and give her some good thoughts as she waits after her 2nd IVF. I am sending many, many good thoughts her way! Also, go and congratulate Fertilize Me on a great ultrasound!

You Don't Say...

Ok, this is just weird.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing. You bring security and harmony to many. At times, you are also a very sensual person. You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire. Your fortune: You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life. It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you. It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be. You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Acceptance

While I was in jury duty hell yesterday, I had time to think about all of my parenting issues. After reading a really great article in Y.oga J.ournal about taming your inner control freak, I realized that I was trying to control the situation. When you try to control the situation, the situation always ends up controlling you. So, I realized that I somehow have to balance my legitimate concern about my parents health and well-being and my need to make them people that they aren't. Am I really willing to spend all of that energy trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so? No, I'm not. I know I have spoken about this book before, but it is so good. It has really helped me gain a lot of perspective in my life. One thing it talked about was acceptance and its "shadow" emotion - resentment. That is so true for this situation. It's because I can't accept the situation that I am trying to control it. If I feel uncomfortable with the way my parents behave, then I won't be a part of it. I have decided to give myself permission to do that. They know how I feel, so there is really nothing more that needs to be said.

Thanks to all of you who commented and left all of the compliments! I admit, I have been feeling pretty unattractive lately and I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it's temporary. It's still hard sometimes, though, so thanks! It really cheered me up!

Who's the Child?

The Halloween party was a lot of fun and I have included a picture of M and I. Please notice the 80's glasses on M (he actually wore those in the 80s) and the cigarettes in my sleeve. It was a good party and I'm really glad we went!

LJ wrote a post this week that touched upon the way we sometimes feel like the parents of our parents. I have been going through this a lot lately. My parents have always been sort of unusual. They are self-proclaimed "old hippies" with liberal political views and lots of animals in the house. That part never bothered me before, but now that I think about bringing my child there, I feel differently. The house is so cluttered and full of, well, crap that they don't need. I want to scream.

My mother suffered from an eating disorder and depression for most of my childhood and although she now gets help and is definitely not the woman who raised me, our relationship has never recovered. We are not best friends. I don't call her when I've had a bad day or when M and I have a fight. Every time I do confide in her, she so desperately wants to make up for the crappy parent she used to be, I just end up feeling like I'm being treated like a child. I have made my peace with that, but she has not. She is the kind of person that will plough ahead and do what she set out to do regardless of the wishes of the people her actions impact the most. From the moment M and I got married, all she could talk about was grandkids. Now, she is finally getting what she has wanted for so long, yet she remains uninterested in cleaning the house or being more vigilant about her health. It worries me so much and nothing that I express to her gets through. I end up trying to clean the house every time I go over there, but I know that it will simply go back to the way it was. My dad? He just doesn't seem to get it either. I know I need to let this go, and I would if it were just me. Now, though, I just think that I don't want to bring my baby over there. My brother and I have both tried talking to them, but it just isn't getting through. Am I going to have to use my child as a threat? If anyone else has gone through this or something similar to this, I would really appreciate some comments. It's on my mind all of the time and I really don't know what to do.