Auld Lang Syne

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!

Guns and Other Fun

I talk about baby stuff a lot in this post. Sorry.

If you are married, did you register for gifts? I remember dragging M to T.arget and W.illiam S.onoma with much complaining on his part. He got that gun in his hand, though, and the next thing I knew we had registered for a wine fridge and a $1500 espresso machine. (We didn't get either one, thank goodness). A few weeks ago, M had a small meltdown about out baby shower. Neither one of us are really big fans of baby showers. Having suffered through many of them, I knew that if I did have one, it would have to be very non-traditional. Some very kind friends of ours are granting that wish, so off to T.arget I went. I have to admit, it was fun. I also registered on A.mazon for books and music. I refused to go to B.abies-r-U.s. I just can't seem to forgive that store for the way I used to feel when I walked into it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just not there, yet. After the shower meltdown that M had, I assumed he would not be interested in my trip to register. When I told him I was going, he said, "Without me?" I give up. We walked up and down the isles while he pointed out any blanket, bib or towel that had airplanes on it. The power of the gun strikes again.


Every Wednesday for the past three weeks M and I have been attending a "childbirth class". I didn't expect to learn anything new since I could probably open my own fertility and pregnancy bookstore, but they let you pre-register and you get a tour of the hospital. Last night was the hospital tour. Having never even set foot inside this hospital, I was very interested to see what the delivery rooms and nursery looked like. Everything seemed to be fine and everyone ooohed and aaahed over the brand new babies. I got the feeling that everyone tells me about - there's no turning back now. We also watched a C-Section video and more than one of the fathers looked like they weren't going to make it. I also had my 28 week appointment earlier in the day. We get another look at the baby in one month. What a loooong month this is going to be!

I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I don't know why. I certainly have so many things to grateful for, and I am very, very grateful. Perhaps being on the brink of such a big change in my life is making me more reflective. This time of year can be hard. I remember last year was tinged with a little bit of sadness that I didn't have any "good news" to give my parents as the ultimate gift. I thought that I would surely be pregnant by Christmas. My wish is that everyone's greatest hope comes true this year. I don't think I will ever forget how it felt to have that hope and not really know whether the next year would bring wanted I wanted so much.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It really helped me to feel less alone in all of this. Please go and say congrats to Baby Moxie who had a wonderful ultrasound! I hope that everyone stays safe and warm this holiday season!

Home Stretch

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?

In the Beginning.....

JJ asked everyone to share their blog's birth story and I thought it was a good idea! I had to think for a moment about what made me start this one. I know that I was Googling furiously one day about why my period was out of whack after stopping birth control. Mine had gone missing shortly after stopping the pill and I was having 42 day cycles. I came across Uterine Wars and I couldn't stop reading. Soper tells her story of tests, miscarriages and finally a decision to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. I'm not doing it justice because she writes about things that touch you so deeply and still manages to make you laugh out loud. I never really thought about adoption or my feelings about adoption and what it means for the parents involved as well as the child. It was very educational and I am so glad I found it. She will probably never see this, but thank you. You don't know how much you helped me. I also found Julie's blog around the same time and was equally touched by her honesty. Through Julie's big list I was able to find many of the blogs I read on a daily basis and the people that I now consider friends. I realized that my feelings did not own me when I was able to write them down and that I could do it in a safe environment by hiding in plain sight in the vastness of cyberspace. To this day only my husband and one good friend know about my blog and I will probably keep it that way.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who writes. I often feel like an outsider since I got pregnant before many of my questions were answered. I haven't been through half of what some of the bloggers have been through, but even tasting a little bit of that pain has made me admire the perseverance and honesty that so many people display through their writing. If I had gotten pregnant right away I would probably be one of the jerks that you write about, but I feel like I have been saved from jerkdom and humbled by your kindness and openness. Things that I might have taken for granted will never be viewed with anything but wonderment and gratitude. Thank you all for that gift.

Red Pills and Sugar Drinks

Well, I survived my glucose screening. Everyone made it sound like it was going to be the most horrible thing in the world. Another episode of "Mommy Hazing", to steal a phrase. It wasn't that bad. The drink tastes like that cheap punch they serve in school. The good news is, I passed and my blood sugar was in normal range. I am, however, a little anemic. I don't feel that way, but, as I have said before, being a teacher will completely throw off your judgement of exhaustion. I have to take a huge, red horse pill every other day. They gave a laundry list of horrible things that the pills might do to you, including constipation, but so far I haven't noticed anything. Knock on wood.

Saturday, I made dinner for a few friends and we hung out and played with the kids (twin girls, age one and a 2.5 year old boy). M decided to go and watch movies at our friend D's house. I met them there afterwards with part of a pie that I made and they were both completely and totally drunk. I mean plastered. Since we have met I have only seen M like that maybe two other times. I had to laugh because they were pretty funny.

If you go over to Baby Moxie you will see some wonderful news! I am so very happy for her! Also, go and visit Lara who is in the middle of a wait after a transfer.

For those of you that celebrate Thanksgiving I hope everyone has a healthy and happy one!

I Want Candy?

I was not really allowed to watch TV as a child. At the time, of course, it was pure torture, but I appreciate it now. I probably wouldn't have read all of the wonderful books that I did if we were allowed to watch an unlimited amount of TV. Now, however, i find that it is quite easy to just sit on the couch all night and just turn off my mind. It doesn't help that we just got new cable service that came with a DVR. I love this thing. Also, we now have BBC America. I love BBC. Those of you "across the pond" just don't realize how much better your programming is, overall. I do think that my love of British TV is starting to affect my dreams.

Last night I dreamed that the characters from The O.ffice (American) and I were in a band and were entering a Battle of the Bands type competition. I don't remember what song we were supposed to sing, but the band before us sang the same song, so at the last minute we sang the 80's hit, I Want Candy. (Don't ask me why. I haven't heard that song in ages. Maybe I really did just want candy.) So, we did, and while we didn't win the competition, all of the other bands came up and congratulated us. All of the really cute musicians with English accents kept telling me, "you were fantastic", etc... It was actually really nice.

Last night at dinner I was telling M that as the due date approaches I don't really feel ready. I don't feel different than I did when I was 16. Maybe this dream was a throwback to my memories of being in a punk band in college, which was really fun. Perhaps the praise was a way for my subconscious to give my conscience the reassurance that, in fact, I am not the big blob I feel like. Or, maybe I watch too much freaking TV.

Please go over to Baby Moxie and give her some good thoughts as she waits after her 2nd IVF. I am sending many, many good thoughts her way! Also, go and congratulate Fertilize Me on a great ultrasound!

You Don't Say...

Ok, this is just weird.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing. You bring security and harmony to many. At times, you are also a very sensual person. You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire. Your fortune: You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life. It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you. It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be. You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Acceptance

While I was in jury duty hell yesterday, I had time to think about all of my parenting issues. After reading a really great article in Y.oga J.ournal about taming your inner control freak, I realized that I was trying to control the situation. When you try to control the situation, the situation always ends up controlling you. So, I realized that I somehow have to balance my legitimate concern about my parents health and well-being and my need to make them people that they aren't. Am I really willing to spend all of that energy trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so? No, I'm not. I know I have spoken about this book before, but it is so good. It has really helped me gain a lot of perspective in my life. One thing it talked about was acceptance and its "shadow" emotion - resentment. That is so true for this situation. It's because I can't accept the situation that I am trying to control it. If I feel uncomfortable with the way my parents behave, then I won't be a part of it. I have decided to give myself permission to do that. They know how I feel, so there is really nothing more that needs to be said.

Thanks to all of you who commented and left all of the compliments! I admit, I have been feeling pretty unattractive lately and I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it's temporary. It's still hard sometimes, though, so thanks! It really cheered me up!

Who's the Child?

The Halloween party was a lot of fun and I have included a picture of M and I. Please notice the 80's glasses on M (he actually wore those in the 80s) and the cigarettes in my sleeve. It was a good party and I'm really glad we went!

LJ wrote a post this week that touched upon the way we sometimes feel like the parents of our parents. I have been going through this a lot lately. My parents have always been sort of unusual. They are self-proclaimed "old hippies" with liberal political views and lots of animals in the house. That part never bothered me before, but now that I think about bringing my child there, I feel differently. The house is so cluttered and full of, well, crap that they don't need. I want to scream.

My mother suffered from an eating disorder and depression for most of my childhood and although she now gets help and is definitely not the woman who raised me, our relationship has never recovered. We are not best friends. I don't call her when I've had a bad day or when M and I have a fight. Every time I do confide in her, she so desperately wants to make up for the crappy parent she used to be, I just end up feeling like I'm being treated like a child. I have made my peace with that, but she has not. She is the kind of person that will plough ahead and do what she set out to do regardless of the wishes of the people her actions impact the most. From the moment M and I got married, all she could talk about was grandkids. Now, she is finally getting what she has wanted for so long, yet she remains uninterested in cleaning the house or being more vigilant about her health. It worries me so much and nothing that I express to her gets through. I end up trying to clean the house every time I go over there, but I know that it will simply go back to the way it was. My dad? He just doesn't seem to get it either. I know I need to let this go, and I would if it were just me. Now, though, I just think that I don't want to bring my baby over there. My brother and I have both tried talking to them, but it just isn't getting through. Am I going to have to use my child as a threat? If anyone else has gone through this or something similar to this, I would really appreciate some comments. It's on my mind all of the time and I really don't know what to do.

Whiskey Tango

Thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me and I feel very lucky to have such a great support system. I spoke with my parents and my brother last night after the funeral. They said it was sad, but good, and that everyone seemed to take comfort from being together. They all went to my other Aunt's house afterwards where there was a lot of food, laughter, and stories. It was very fitting and I think that Aunt J's spirit was there and was happy. What more can you ask for?

Every year my friend L has a huge Halloween party that everyone looks forward to. The costumes get pretty creative and I love seeing what other people come up with. I've been looking for something really good that incorporates my belly, which is pretty visible now. I decided to go as "Miz White Trash". (I normally think those kinds of things are kind of insulting, as if I'm making fun of people who are poor, but in this part of the country there are plenty of people who fall into the WT category who are not poor at all. It cuts across all socio-economic boundaries in T.exas. Also, I decided that maybe I needed to lighten up and have a sense of humor.)

I bought a used prom gown that really doesn't fit and will put some rollers in my hair and generally not make any sort of effort to hide my figure or make myself look, well, like "Miss" anything. As I was thinking about it, I realized what I really was going to be. I am going to be every irresponsible, liquor drinking, cigarette smoking, too young pregnant person I ever read about that made me say, "She can get pregnant, and I can't????" I am going to get an empty pack of cigarettes from someone and stick them in the cleavage that I now have and get an empty liquor bottle and put apple juice in it or something. That should complete the outfit. I know people will laugh, but I also know that there will be just the teeniest amount of bitterness on my part that no one will know about but me. I will also feel a sense of gratitude for my own condition and that the belly under my dress is my own. That is something I could never forget.

Is anyone else going to a party? If so, I would love to hear about the costume you are choosing!

Please go over and see Hope who got some bad news and needs some love. I am so damn sorry, sweetie.

It Goes On

I hate early morning phone calls. They are never good news. This morning was no exception. My Aunt J passed away early this morning. She was in hospice after an exhausting battle with cancer that started in her lungs from years of being a smoker. My father is #6 out of 7 kids, and Aunt J was the youngest. He was holding it together pretty well, I thought, but I could tell his heart was breaking. As he told me the details that he knew, I could feel the baby kicking me. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

In three words I can sum up everything I know about life - It Goes On. - Robert Frost

Goodbye, Aunt J. I will miss your laugh and your cooking. Be at peace.

Halfway

Today marks 20 weeks! It seems like I've been pregnant for much longer, although I do not mean that as a complaint. I've been trying to appreciate every single moment of this whole experience and that may account for the sloooow passage of time. Of course, when I think about how NOTHING is ready in the house, time seems to have gone by more quickly. At any rate, I am happy and grateful to be here at this point. I feel the baby move several times every day as he gets stronger and stronger. It's so amazing.

We had a wonderful time in Virginia/DC and I will try to post a picture soon. I love spending time with the niece and two nephews. They are so hilarious! We visited the WWII memorial and I thought it was very nice. We just finished watching The W.ar on PBS, so it seemed a little more real than I think it would have normally. Did anyone else see that documentary? I thought it was amazing. I have my monthly check-up tomorrow and we go to look at a daycare on Thursday. This is all really going to happen! If I sit and think about it, it starts to scare me a little bit. I even bought a book meant for men to learn about baby care. What's worse, I didn't know a lot of the facts in the book!

Tomorrow I am going to see a friend who is going through a really hard time. She is an IF veteran and has been trying for child number two for a few years now. Her wonderful son came to the world after a really heartbreaking pregnancy loss at 6 months and she just had her first foray into the world of IVF. After a good initial report, they told her when she went in for the transfer that the embies did not progress as they had hoped. They went ahead with the transfer, but no one was really optimistic. My heart breaks for her. She has been through so much and now this. I could hear how lonely she felt in her grief when I spoke to her on the phone. If you happen to have a few moments, maybe you can spare a good thought for her.

My good thoughts are with all of you, especially those of you who lit a candle yesterday.

Allergies and Such

Well, the trip to the allergist was interesting to say the least. It turns out that one of her specialities is treating pregnant women who have asthma and allergies. I guess that's one advantage to living in a large, polluted city with one of the largest medical centers in the world. I have never been to an allergist. No one in my family has asthma and I always just treated my sinus headaches with over the counter whatever. They gave me a breathing test and when the doctor came in she told me: Someone your age, non-smoker who is not overweight should be in the 90th percentile, at least. You're an 82. Oops. I guess that little cough I always have (I call it the Houston cough) actually was something. I asked her if it could be because I was pregnant because I might as well blame it on the baby, right? She told me that while the diaphragm is squeezed, that does not affect lung flow. She told me to try not to use the Tylenol sinus because decongestants are not the best thing in your first two trimesters, hence the rising blood pressure. I walked out of there with TWO inhalers, one nasal spray and z.yrtec. Lord almighty! Do any of you guys have any experience with mild asthma, inhalers or anything like that?

Meanwhile, I feel the baby kicking more and more and it is pretty cool! We are leaving tomorrow for M.clean, VA to visit M's brother who just built a new house that I am dying to see. It will be nice to get a small break from the heat since it is still in the 90's here. Thank you global warming. If you haven't gone to see Leah, she has FANTASIC news! LJ got a great fertilization result from her retrieval and I hope those cells keep dividing!!!! Also, Baby Moxie is wearing the cutest green dress/blouse ever. I love it!

Boy, Oh, Boy!

*Ultrasound pictures below*

We had our 17 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked really good. They told us for sure it's a boy and we got a really good look because he stuck his ass right in the "camera". Thanks for that! The blood tests came back great and I just can't believe that we are so on track. We are having a boy! Wow.

I just have to share something that happened at work. I was processing a new employee and the cost of health care came up. She mentioned that she had insurance, but resented it because she didn't go to Doctors and only practiced natural medicine. Ok, fine, I thought. Since she has three kids she keeps the insurance in case of emergencies or broken bones. She then proceeded to complain about the cost of insurance being due to "those illegal immigrants". Now, I am a pretty open minded person in a closed minded part of the country, so I can always sense when racist rant is headed my way. I felt the need to head her off before it got worse, so I explained to her what factors really keep insurance rates high, but she just sort of looked at me with vacant eyes. Then she came up with this little gem:

Yeah, and people with diabetes. I got a flyer in the mail for a walk for diabetes research. Why don't they just stop eating sugar? Ever thought of that? What?????????? Are you kidding me? I felt like I was in an episode of The Office. What a horrible thing to say! I almost wanted to laugh, it was so terrible.

Anyway, congrats to Fatty Pants and Vacant Womb who have all gotten great news recently. I am also thinking about Becky. If you have a chance, go and give her some love. Thank you so much to JJ for her wonderful cd. I love all of the music. I am a firm believer in music therapy and I can tell that she is, as well! I have a bunch of stuff to send out to the Braces Bunch. School and work have been eating my lunch, lately, but I will get to it soon, I promise!

Ok, here is the little one with his butt in the air:

And here are some profile shots:

Point it Down

I had my monthly checkup today at 16weeks and 1 day and everything looks good. My blood pressure was up, not dangerously up, but higher than last time. Dr. T thinks it may be due to the Tylenol allergy medicine have to take at least once a day. The sinus headaches are getting really bad. So, now I have to go to an allergist. One week from today I have the 17 week ultrasound and they will tell us "for sure" that it's a boy. I'm just looking forward to seeing him again!!

A few weeks ago I went to the mall with my friends MW and SL, both IF survivors and both a great source of support for me. MW has twin girls, about 1 year and SL has one 2 year old boy. I thought it was going to be a little torturous, I have to admit. I'm not a big fan of malls and the chaos of the kids.......well, you can probably understand. It was actually a lot of fun. We ended up in the food court and I watched SL run after her toddler while I ate my C.hick-fil-a and MW fed the girls cheerios. They fired off advice and I tried to keep up. Strollers, diaper bags, clothes, swings....it came at me pretty fast. I just kept eating and thought about how I hadn't set foot in a B.abies-r-Us in over a year. All of a sudden, SL gave a little scream. "He just peed on me!" She had just changed her son's diaper, but forgot one crucial detail: you have to point his little peeps down. Otherwise, it's everywhere but the diaper. I have to say that I can't remember any of the advice that was given to me, but I will never forget what I learned that day - point it down.

We have had a few BFPs and it's so great! I am also thinking about everyone who is still waiting for theirs. I'm always thinking of you.

Barren Bitches Book Tour: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

This was a very interesting book. Within a good relationship story there were a lot of issues covered: infidelity, blended families, miscarriage, and loss. I was intrigued by the Carolyn character, since no one can be that much of a bitch.......can they? I would like to have more of a peek into her experience, but that will have to be for the next book, hmmm? I locve the titel because love is so complicated in all of its forms. In a relationship wit your spouse, parents, children and yourself. Nothing is black and white. Emilia was not always a nice person or a likable one and I appreciated that very much. The conflict I felt about some of her actions made the book much more that just a "fun read". It made me examine some of my own feelings about relationships I have or used to have in my life.

Now, on to the questions...............


Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

I think that grief of any kind can be a lonely experience. The reason I started my blog was because I felt a certain amount of loneliness when confronted with my fertility or lack thereof. When people say "support group" it often brings to mind a circle of folding chairs in a church basement with sensitive ponytail man leading the group. IN this day and age I see a lot of different kinds of support groups. As I mentioned before, this blogging community has been a tremendous source of support for me and I know that there are many others who would agree!


As Emilia is grieving over the loss of Isabel, she mentions that her friend Mindy's miscarriage is not nearly the same as losing a child that you have held in your arms. How did this comment affect you? Did you agree that despite her efforts, Mindy is unable to relate to her and that the experiences are totally different?

I have never experienced Emilia or Mindy's loss, but I am always very hesitant to try to judge other's pain by my own. That comment made me uncomfortable. It would be a nightmare beyond my reckoning to wake up and find that my baby was dead. Even now it sends shivers down my spine. At the same time, I live with the fear every day that something will happen to my unborn child and I will have a miscarriage. Perhaps it isn't about whether or not their pain is the same kind of pain because they are two different people with a lifetime of different experiences. I think that the experiences are totally different but that does not mean that one outranks the other, even though society might judge it to be that way. As far as being able to relate to someone else's pain I have to say again that Emilia's anger towards Mindy's wanting to relate to her is wrapped up in Emilia's own anger over the whole situation.


Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

It seemed to me that Jack was a little out of touch with that whole situation. Emilia wanted to prove that she was ok and tough and Jack wanted to believe that they could continue to function as a (somewhat) normal family. I also thought that Jack should have stuck up for Emilia a little more when it came to Carolyn's extremely strict way of doing.....everything. Maybe he felt guilty - I don't know. No, I don't think that Emilia should have had to keep the insanity going while she had William in the afternoons. Rather than a time to get to know each other it became stressful for Emilia as she wondered what mistake she would make next.

Can't Help It

I did what I said I would not do and bought baby clothes. Only two items, but as I walked up to the register at B.aby G.ap I felt like I was inviting disaster. I took a deep breath and bought the onesie and the little shirt. I love them. I take them out and look at them, imagining how our baby might look wearing them. I've been allowing myself to imagine these kinds of things, but it feels strange. I am waiting to feel his first movements inside of me and waiting to feel that sense of relief when I do. I know the worry will never go away, but there are certain things that make you feel better.

M's sister sent us an outfit for the baby yesterday and I tucked it carefully away with the others. Other than that, we haven't bought anything. Not one piece of furniture or accessory. I have , however, started talking to daycares. Staying at home isn't going to be a possibility for us and I have come to terms with that. There is a Montessori school that has excellent infant care, so we are going to bite the bullet (financially) and sign up. I thought M would have a minor heart attack when he heard how much it cost, but he was surprisingly calm.

I go in for the second blood draw for the NT scan and related testing on Monday. Then, I have my second "regular" OB appointment. A week later we should have our second scan and will find out for sure the gender. I can't wait. I miss seeing him! On that note, here is a picture from the 13 week scan which is now a couple of weeks old. He's starting to look like a real baby!

There are several people who have had transfers and are waiting for beta tests. I am hoping and praying that everyone gets good news. Baby Moxie, I am especially thinking about you today!

Gratitude

The NT scan was wonderful! The little one was moving around and seems to be growing very well. The nuchal fold was "nice and thin" according to the Dr. and a nice nasal bone could be seen, as well. The technician took the time to point out muscle, bone, bladder and stomach. We were also given an 80% guess that it's a boy! Given our "timing" and M's family history, I was expecting a boy, but it's nice to have that preliminary guess. I feel so profoundly grateful for all of this. It surrounds me as I go about my day and I can't stop the mantra in my head...thank you, thank you, thank you.

A dear friend was married this weekend and we stayed in town to attend the wedding. It was very touching and during the vows M took my hand and squeezed it hard. I hope I never forget how it felt to marry him. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is a wonderful husband and will be a wonderful father, as well.

At the wedding after party, the bride confessed that she and her husband were going to start trying very soon. This would normally be news that didn't surprise me, except S is different. She has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a teenager. She has had to take harsh medication to ward off the deterioration of her body for many years. She was always told that kids were a big "if" because of her condition. My heart ached for her when she told me this. In order to maintain a pregnancy she will have to make some major adjustments to her meds. I wanted to shower her with advice, but I didn't. She knows her road might be a long one. I only told her I knew of some good RE's if she wanted their names. I hope so very much that she won't have a hard time. I hope her journey is a short one with a happy ending.

Congrats to Cibele who heard a heartbeat! Delenn also saw a heartbeat this week! Artblog wrote a wonderful and touching poem that brought tears to my eyes. If you haven't read it, please do. Leah's transfer is today so go and send her lots of good vibes!

13

Thirteen weeks today! I can't believe it. It seems that the weeks are going by a little more quickly, but maybe that's because I am feeling better. I had my first regular OB appointment, and Dr. T's first words to me were, "Glad to have you back!" It was good to be back. I got to actually hear the heartbeat, which was wonderful and strong. Other than that, everything seems to be going well.

I go in tomorrow for my NT scan with the prenatal specialist. I am a little worried. In reality M and I have no risk factors, but that doesn't mean that you're 100% safe. It's one more thing to worry about, I suppose. I am excited about seeing the baby, though! It's been three weeks since the last ultrasound and I am interested to see how much growth there has been. Speaking of growth, my wardrobe is shrinking every day! I have two pairs of work pants that still fit - barely - and a few skirts. The problem is, my maternity pants are still a little too big. I'm in clothing limbo.

Last Tuesday I sent out an e-mail to all of my friends letting them know about the "big news". I was at a going away party the next day and was overwhelmed with all of the questions. Have you thought about names? Are you going to get a new house? Are you going to find out the sex? I was a little unprepared for how all of the questions made me feel a little panicked. I guess I need to start really thinking about the logistics of this. FMLA, daycare, furniture, birthing classes.....yikes. My favorite question was, "Was this planned?" Uh, yeah, you could say that.

I'm thinking about Baby Moxie this week and hoping that this year September 11th can have a more positive connotation for her.

Back to Life

I never want to come back to Houston after visiting Chicago and this time was no different. Here I am, though, back in the land of 95 degree temperatures and hurricanes. Another day in paradise. I am still a single gal for a few more days until M returns via car from the Midwest and I am ready for him to come home. I never sleep well when he's gone and I am exhausted!

The visit was really good and it was the first time since M's father passed away that both siblings and all of their kids ( seven in all) were together. It was noisy and cheerful and it made me feel very fortunate to be a part of such a great family. We told everyone our news and there was a lot of hugging and M's sister even cried.

O'Hare was a mess all weekend and I didn't get home until late on Sunday. I woke up with a nasty headache on Monday and only made it through a half a day at work. Last night, I barely made it to the bathroom before my stomach violently rejected everything I ate that day. There was so much pressure that I think I burst some capillaries in my face! I have little red dots around my nose and on my forehead. Has anyone ever had that happen? I don't really throw up, so I don't know if that's normal. I have very fair skin, so that might also have something to do with it. I still have a slight headache, but it's manageable. My next Dr.'s appointment is tomorrow so I will definitely bring up the headaches.

Special congrats go out to Cibele! She is feeling really anxious, so go and give her some love if you have a chance.