Leaving Home

I've done quite a bit of thinking and I have decided to move my blog to a new place. I feel good about it and am really excited about my new "home". It's not going to password protected, but I am not going to post the link here. If you follow me on Twitter, I am posting the link there and if you are a Braces Buncher the link will be there, as well. Otherwise, please leave me a comment and I will send you the link. I really, really hope you will come and visit my new space!

Four Months

The days seem to fly by in a blur. Does anyone else ever feel that way? I woke up this morning and realized that Emily will be 4 months old on Thursday

...and that Luke will be 20 months on the 25th.

How is it possible that in less than two years my life has changed so dramatically? People always told me that once you have children, it will be hard to imagine life without them. That's true, I suppose. It's hard to imagine my mornings without Curious George (thank God for PBS Kids) and Emily "talking" while I hurry to get ready. It's hard to imagine life without the haze of sleep deprivation. A part of me loves the advancement of time and the newness of each day, but another part wants it all to stop because it's just going way too fast.

Soon, we'll all be experiencing another type of change: a new house. We closed on a house at the end of September and will be moving in as soon as we replace some flooring and do some painting. The house hunting roller coaster of 2009 is over!! After months of looking and one contract that had to be canceled (stupid seller), we finally found a house, in a cul-de-sac and next to a park. Even though we are so cramped and very ready to move out of our current house, I know that M and I will have bittersweet feelings about leaving. We've spent our entire married life there and raised our kids (up to this point) there. It's time, though, and I think that we'll make wonderful memories in our new home.

Thanks so much for the comments about privacy in the blogging world. I really appreciate the thoughts. I'm still thinking about a switch to WP so I can protect certain posts, but I haven't made a final decision, yet. If you have made that switch, I would appreciate your thoughts on Blogger vs. Wordpress.

Goings On

It's been a while, hasn't it? A lot has happened. We got a house, we lost it and now we're buying a different house. I've gone back to work and both kids are in a new school. All of that will have to wait, though, because I want to talk about my weekend.

Most weekends are full of this and that, errands and park visits, etc.. However, last Friday, I kissed my kids and husband goodbye and got on a plane headed to Minneapolis. I've been reading Matt's blog since I was on maternity leave with Luke. One day I stumbled upon a blog that was set up to collect items and donations for Matt and Maddy. In the last 16 months or so I have gotten to know some amazing people and have seen an idea turn into an organization that helps people in need.

On Saturday, the Liz Logelin Foundation had it's first official 5K Walk/Run at Lake Calhoun in Minneapolis. It was nice morning, and by nice I mean not already 90 degrees.

As the park filled up with people I saw first hand the power that Matt's story has wielded in the blogosphere.

It was a great turnout and despite the bugs who tried to eat us alive, we were able to raise a lot of money to help families who really need it.

After the walk, I hung out by the pool with some wonderful folks! You can't see me because I was hiding in the shade with the pale people.

That evening I may or may not have sung a lot of karaoke with this lovely lady.

Luckily, there aren't any photos of that......I hope.

Sunday, I put on a nice dress for the first time in...I can't remember.....and climbed the steps to the Calhoun Beach Club for The Liz Logelin Foundation Gala. It was the result of months of work, hours of donation solicitation and a lot of stress. It was worth the sleepless nights. There were some awesome auction items:

good things to eat

and wonderful new friends

The generosity of the people attending brought everyone to tears. Because of that generosity the foundation will be able to help several young families who have suffered the loss of a parent. There is still time to help. We are also having an online auction and it's going on right now. If you think you can help or want to get a jump start on your Christmas shopping, go here.

I've always admired Matt. Not only is he doing an amazing job as a single parent, but he took a horrible situation and made it into something positive. It's easy for me to get involved in my own life. It's easy to forget how lucky I am. This was just the reminder I needed.

The Definition of Insanity

Tomorrow morning at 4am we are leaving on our first road trip as a family of four. For those of you keeping track, that's a 20 hour road trip in a small SUV with two children under 2. All I can think is that maybe the sleep deprivation has finally gotten the best of us and we've lost it. Maybe this isn't even happening. Maybe I'm really in a padded room somewhere and this is all a dream.

Real or not, it's gonna happen on some level of existence, so I better get ready. Emily will be fine since she sleeps most of the day, anyway. Luke? Well, we bought a DVD player and have plans to stagger toys and activities so that he doesn't drive us crazy or freak out completely. We are going to stop in the Memphis area for an overnight rest. We're not completely insane, after all. If you are Facebook friends or follow me on Twitter, you will be privy to our progress to the Chicagoland Area. Be prepared.

The point of this trip? We are getting Emily baptized in the church where M and I were married (as well as many of his relatives) and where Luke was baptized. We'll see family, have fun and I will get to go into the city to meet up with friends, both old and new. The best part? IT WON'T BE 100 FUCKING DEGREES EVERY DAY.

Wish us luck. I think we'll need it.

The Land of Someday

Everyone visits the Land of Someday. Someday I'll take a cruise. Someday I'll learn how to ski. Someday I'll lose that last ten pounds. It's natural to look ahead at what might be and daydream a little. I'm kind of afraid that I'm packing my bags and moving there permanently.

Maybe it's being on leave or the intense, hell-like heat, but I find myself living for Someday just to get through today. House hunting has become comical. When we open closets, things always, always fall out. Usually they fall on me. Our storage rental is so full that M and are are actually afraid to disturb it. I have given away so many clothes, toys and other things we really don't need and we still don't have enough room. So, what is so hard about finding a new damn house? I wish I knew. If we were in the market for a McMansion, complete with a pool and $600 per month a/c bill, we would be set. However, the market does not reward you for wanting a reasonably sized one story on a cul-de-sac. So, we live in the Land of Someday. Someday we'll have a bigger place. Someday we'll both be able to cook in the kitchen at the same time. Someday we'll be able to have more than two people over at a time.

If you don't live in that Land of Someday, you may live in the Land of Someday....with Children. My friend, Maura, likes to tease me with statements like, Someday the kids will take themselves to the bathroom. Someday, we will get to leave the house without children. Someday we won't have to pay for daycare.

As much as I need Someday to help me look ahead to better things, I don't want it to be my only residence. Are we crowded and grumpy? Yes. Do we still find time to appreciate what we have? Yes. Despite the extreme frustrations we have right now, I would never want to miss what's happening right in front of me. I would never want to miss Emily making funny faces or her first smiles and laughs, which she has just started to demonstrate.

I would ever want to miss Luke learning new words like flower and clock. I suppose that's why life as a parent is so examined. There is almost no way to explain how much I love my children and how words seem inadequate when I try to explain how that love surrounds M and I. So, in some ways, I think I get it. You need that Someday along with the present. The Someday is for survival and the present is to help you appreciate what is now.

Now, to show you that life isn't all self examination and gnashing of teeth, here is a video of Luke with a goat. Please notice how he grabs himself at the end. Just like a man.

Whatever Works

It was four weeks ago that we we became a family of four and I feel like I am just emerging from the sleep deprived haze of having a newborn. Luke is staying in daycare while I am on leave, so every day it's just me and Emily. I thought I would get a lot more done than I have, but I was unprepared for the exhaustion of having a newborn all day and a 17 month old in the evenings. M has been great, as usual. He has taken on just as much as I have, aside from the nursing, of course. I'm usually too tired to say it, but I would never be able to do this without him.

I am also noticing a big difference in the treatment of child number two. With Luke, everything was examined, obsessed over and discussed. Now, it's all about whatever works. A little formula? Not a problem. Letting Emily fuss a little because I just can't get to her? She'll be ok. Putting the baby in the car seat to sleep? If it means I get a little more rest, then I'm all for it. People like to say that the second kid always gets jipped, and maybe there is some truth to that. I like to think that it has more to do with a more efficient use of limited resources.

If I was more eloquent I could write about what having two healthy children really means to me, but I'm no writer. Instead, I will just say that I am humbled daily by what we have been given. All of the craziness and all of the exhaustion is worth it. Especially when they are both asleep.

Roller Coaster

We welcomed Emily Elizabeth into the world on June 15th! She weighed 7lbs 11ozs and was 20 inches long. She has a full head of dark, dark hair (like her dad) and seems so tiny! When she came out, Dr. T announced that he cord was wrapped around her neck twice, which scares the shit out of me. I'm so glad it was a planned c-section. Here she is!







M's mom came down to help and Luke seemed to do ok. He had moments where he seemed a little off, but he was quite a trooper. As soon as they could unhook me from all of the IVs, he came to visit and our little family was complete.



I checked out on Thursday and we headed home. Then, the roller coaster started.

Friday I noticed that my swelling, which got worse after Em was born, was not improving at all. I also noticed that when I took a nap it felt like there was a weight on my chest. I turned to Dr. Google, of course, and saw some things that convinced me I should call my OB. The on call Doctor told me to go to the ER. We left Luke with my MIL and M, Em, and I all went to the emergency room. As they took my vitals I nursed the baby in triage, convinced that this would be taken care of quickly. If only that were true.

M left because all of this was a little too much for Luke, so he took Em with instructions on how to feed her the formula. (I just want to say that I normally make fun of the formula samples that the companies give you when you leave the hospital, but never again). One hour passed, then two. They called me back, gave me a room and hooked me up to measure my heart rate and O2 levels. My O2 was fine, but my pulse was low. They gave me a CAT scan, a chest x-ray and an ultrasound on my legs to check for blood clots. In the mean time, my phone was dying. I left my charger in the maternity room and hadn't had a chance to fully charge it. I was alone, cold and cut off from the world. After receiving a diuretic, the ER Doctor came in and told me that I had some fluid around my lungs and it looked like everything I received post C-Section was just a little too much for my system to handle. Oh, and they were admitting me. It was something about my heart.

As soon as he left I burst into tears. I couldn't call M because there was ZERO signal in my ER room, so I waited and waited. There was no room on the maternity ward, so they took me to the general surgery floor. Around 1am I arrive in my shared room, next to a poor older lady who was obviously in a lot of pain and on a lot of pain killers. SHe talked in her sleep constantly with bits of conversation from her everyday life.

"Are you going to the mall? Sour cream."

All I could think of was that my little girl was at home without me. I should have been up feeding her, but I was in a freezing hospital room with someone who pooped the bed every half hour and had to have her sheets changed all night. Lights were coming on and off and even with the curtain drawn there was no chance of sleep. At about 3am I went to the nurse and told them I was checking myself out. The charge nurse told me that I could do that, but 1) insurance wouldn't pay and 2) they really needed the cardiologist to check me out. They wrote "congestive heart failure" on my chart. Congestive heart failure?? WHAT???

So I cried and waited until morning. When morning came I met my day nurse and begged her for answers. When will I see the OB? When will I see the cardiologist, AKA the only person who can sign me out? After two doses of diuretics I felt much, much better. M brought me a new charger and held me while I cried my eyes out. I missed home. I missed my children. I missed my brand new baby. No one could tell me when the Doctor would be there. God forbid anything happen to you on a weekend because no one seemed to give a shit. My friend Maura, who has twin girls of her own, took Luke for the morning so that M could visit and I will always be so grateful for her help. My MIL took Em and we are so lucky she was there. I just don't know what we would have done.

I saw the OB around 3pm Saturday and she said that she thought everything looked ok, but she wanted the cardiologist to rule out postpartum cardiomyopathy. It dawned on me that when I said my chest felt tight, they may have thought I meant pain, as in a heart attack symptom. Swollen ankles is another symptom, but I hadn't been passing out or having shortness of breath. At 5pm, as Luke and Emily were visiting (with Maura's help) the cardiologist finally came by and released me. He said that he didn't see anything wrong with the low pulse since it went up when I walked around. He thinks that it's normally low. I don't really know since the only time I've really monitored it was when I was pregnant.

Almost exactly 24 hours after I walked in to the ER, M came and got me and we headed home. There is nothing that will give you an appreciation for your life like an experience like that. Being apart from my newborn was one of the worst experiences of my life. I've never really liked roller coasters and getting up for night feedings is all that I need in the way of excitement at the moment. Breastfeeding is right back on track and out family is intact once again. The swelling hasn't gone completely from my ankles, but it's much more normal. I am making more of an effort to put my feet up and appreciate this time at home. Life is good and I am trying to enjoy every minute of it.

(If you have ever had a postpartum experience with swelling or anything like that, let me know. I would be interested to hear what you were told by your Doctor...)