Thursday, December 20, 2007

Auld Lang Syne

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Guns and Other Fun

I talk about baby stuff a lot in this post. Sorry.

If you are married, did you register for gifts? I remember dragging M to T.arget and W.illiam S.onoma with much complaining on his part. He got that gun in his hand, though, and the next thing I knew we had registered for a wine fridge and a $1500 espresso machine. (We didn't get either one, thank goodness). A few weeks ago, M had a small meltdown about out baby shower. Neither one of us are really big fans of baby showers. Having suffered through many of them, I knew that if I did have one, it would have to be very non-traditional. Some very kind friends of ours are granting that wish, so off to T.arget I went. I have to admit, it was fun. I also registered on A.mazon for books and music. I refused to go to B.abies-r-U.s. I just can't seem to forgive that store for the way I used to feel when I walked into it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just not there, yet. After the shower meltdown that M had, I assumed he would not be interested in my trip to register. When I told him I was going, he said, "Without me?" I give up. We walked up and down the isles while he pointed out any blanket, bib or towel that had airplanes on it. The power of the gun strikes again.

Every Wednesday for the past three weeks M and I have been attending a "childbirth class". I didn't expect to learn anything new since I could probably open my own fertility and pregnancy bookstore, but they let you pre-register and you get a tour of the hospital. Last night was the hospital tour. Having never even set foot inside this hospital, I was very interested to see what the delivery rooms and nursery looked like. Everything seemed to be fine and everyone ooohed and aaahed over the brand new babies. I got the feeling that everyone tells me about - there's no turning back now. We also watched a C-Section video and more than one of the fathers looked like they weren't going to make it. I also had my 28 week appointment earlier in the day. We get another look at the baby in one month. What a loooong month this is going to be!

I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I don't know why. I certainly have so many things to grateful for, and I am very, very grateful. Perhaps being on the brink of such a big change in my life is making me more reflective. This time of year can be hard. I remember last year was tinged with a little bit of sadness that I didn't have any "good news" to give my parents as the ultimate gift. I thought that I would surely be pregnant by Christmas. My wish is that everyone's greatest hope comes true this year. I don't think I will ever forget how it felt to have that hope and not really know whether the next year would bring wanted I wanted so much.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It really helped me to feel less alone in all of this. Please go and say congrats to Baby Moxie who had a wonderful ultrasound! I hope that everyone stays safe and warm this holiday season!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Home Stretch

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?