Thursday, September 27, 2007

Boy, Oh, Boy!

*Ultrasound pictures below*

We had our 17 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked really good. They told us for sure it's a boy and we got a really good look because he stuck his ass right in the "camera". Thanks for that! The blood tests came back great and I just can't believe that we are so on track. We are having a boy! Wow.

I just have to share something that happened at work. I was processing a new employee and the cost of health care came up. She mentioned that she had insurance, but resented it because she didn't go to Doctors and only practiced natural medicine. Ok, fine, I thought. Since she has three kids she keeps the insurance in case of emergencies or broken bones. She then proceeded to complain about the cost of insurance being due to "those illegal immigrants". Now, I am a pretty open minded person in a closed minded part of the country, so I can always sense when racist rant is headed my way. I felt the need to head her off before it got worse, so I explained to her what factors really keep insurance rates high, but she just sort of looked at me with vacant eyes. Then she came up with this little gem:

Yeah, and people with diabetes. I got a flyer in the mail for a walk for diabetes research. Why don't they just stop eating sugar? Ever thought of that? What?????????? Are you kidding me? I felt like I was in an episode of The Office. What a horrible thing to say! I almost wanted to laugh, it was so terrible.

Anyway, congrats to Fatty Pants and Vacant Womb who have all gotten great news recently. I am also thinking about Becky. If you have a chance, go and give her some love. Thank you so much to JJ for her wonderful cd. I love all of the music. I am a firm believer in music therapy and I can tell that she is, as well! I have a bunch of stuff to send out to the Braces Bunch. School and work have been eating my lunch, lately, but I will get to it soon, I promise!

Ok, here is the little one with his butt in the air:

And here are some profile shots:

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Point it Down

I had my monthly checkup today at 16weeks and 1 day and everything looks good. My blood pressure was up, not dangerously up, but higher than last time. Dr. T thinks it may be due to the Tylenol allergy medicine have to take at least once a day. The sinus headaches are getting really bad. So, now I have to go to an allergist. One week from today I have the 17 week ultrasound and they will tell us "for sure" that it's a boy. I'm just looking forward to seeing him again!!

A few weeks ago I went to the mall with my friends MW and SL, both IF survivors and both a great source of support for me. MW has twin girls, about 1 year and SL has one 2 year old boy. I thought it was going to be a little torturous, I have to admit. I'm not a big fan of malls and the chaos of the kids.......well, you can probably understand. It was actually a lot of fun. We ended up in the food court and I watched SL run after her toddler while I ate my C.hick-fil-a and MW fed the girls cheerios. They fired off advice and I tried to keep up. Strollers, diaper bags, clothes, came at me pretty fast. I just kept eating and thought about how I hadn't set foot in a B.abies-r-Us in over a year. All of a sudden, SL gave a little scream. "He just peed on me!" She had just changed her son's diaper, but forgot one crucial detail: you have to point his little peeps down. Otherwise, it's everywhere but the diaper. I have to say that I can't remember any of the advice that was given to me, but I will never forget what I learned that day - point it down.

We have had a few BFPs and it's so great! I am also thinking about everyone who is still waiting for theirs. I'm always thinking of you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

This was a very interesting book. Within a good relationship story there were a lot of issues covered: infidelity, blended families, miscarriage, and loss. I was intrigued by the Carolyn character, since no one can be that much of a bitch.......can they? I would like to have more of a peek into her experience, but that will have to be for the next book, hmmm? I locve the titel because love is so complicated in all of its forms. In a relationship wit your spouse, parents, children and yourself. Nothing is black and white. Emilia was not always a nice person or a likable one and I appreciated that very much. The conflict I felt about some of her actions made the book much more that just a "fun read". It made me examine some of my own feelings about relationships I have or used to have in my life.

Now, on to the questions...............

Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

I think that grief of any kind can be a lonely experience. The reason I started my blog was because I felt a certain amount of loneliness when confronted with my fertility or lack thereof. When people say "support group" it often brings to mind a circle of folding chairs in a church basement with sensitive ponytail man leading the group. IN this day and age I see a lot of different kinds of support groups. As I mentioned before, this blogging community has been a tremendous source of support for me and I know that there are many others who would agree!

As Emilia is grieving over the loss of Isabel, she mentions that her friend Mindy's miscarriage is not nearly the same as losing a child that you have held in your arms. How did this comment affect you? Did you agree that despite her efforts, Mindy is unable to relate to her and that the experiences are totally different?

I have never experienced Emilia or Mindy's loss, but I am always very hesitant to try to judge other's pain by my own. That comment made me uncomfortable. It would be a nightmare beyond my reckoning to wake up and find that my baby was dead. Even now it sends shivers down my spine. At the same time, I live with the fear every day that something will happen to my unborn child and I will have a miscarriage. Perhaps it isn't about whether or not their pain is the same kind of pain because they are two different people with a lifetime of different experiences. I think that the experiences are totally different but that does not mean that one outranks the other, even though society might judge it to be that way. As far as being able to relate to someone else's pain I have to say again that Emilia's anger towards Mindy's wanting to relate to her is wrapped up in Emilia's own anger over the whole situation.

Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

It seemed to me that Jack was a little out of touch with that whole situation. Emilia wanted to prove that she was ok and tough and Jack wanted to believe that they could continue to function as a (somewhat) normal family. I also thought that Jack should have stuck up for Emilia a little more when it came to Carolyn's extremely strict way of doing.....everything. Maybe he felt guilty - I don't know. No, I don't think that Emilia should have had to keep the insanity going while she had William in the afternoons. Rather than a time to get to know each other it became stressful for Emilia as she wondered what mistake she would make next.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Can't Help It

I did what I said I would not do and bought baby clothes. Only two items, but as I walked up to the register at B.aby G.ap I felt like I was inviting disaster. I took a deep breath and bought the onesie and the little shirt. I love them. I take them out and look at them, imagining how our baby might look wearing them. I've been allowing myself to imagine these kinds of things, but it feels strange. I am waiting to feel his first movements inside of me and waiting to feel that sense of relief when I do. I know the worry will never go away, but there are certain things that make you feel better.

M's sister sent us an outfit for the baby yesterday and I tucked it carefully away with the others. Other than that, we haven't bought anything. Not one piece of furniture or accessory. I have , however, started talking to daycares. Staying at home isn't going to be a possibility for us and I have come to terms with that. There is a Montessori school that has excellent infant care, so we are going to bite the bullet (financially) and sign up. I thought M would have a minor heart attack when he heard how much it cost, but he was surprisingly calm.

I go in for the second blood draw for the NT scan and related testing on Monday. Then, I have my second "regular" OB appointment. A week later we should have our second scan and will find out for sure the gender. I can't wait. I miss seeing him! On that note, here is a picture from the 13 week scan which is now a couple of weeks old. He's starting to look like a real baby!

There are several people who have had transfers and are waiting for beta tests. I am hoping and praying that everyone gets good news. Baby Moxie, I am especially thinking about you today!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


The NT scan was wonderful! The little one was moving around and seems to be growing very well. The nuchal fold was "nice and thin" according to the Dr. and a nice nasal bone could be seen, as well. The technician took the time to point out muscle, bone, bladder and stomach. We were also given an 80% guess that it's a boy! Given our "timing" and M's family history, I was expecting a boy, but it's nice to have that preliminary guess. I feel so profoundly grateful for all of this. It surrounds me as I go about my day and I can't stop the mantra in my head...thank you, thank you, thank you.

A dear friend was married this weekend and we stayed in town to attend the wedding. It was very touching and during the vows M took my hand and squeezed it hard. I hope I never forget how it felt to marry him. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is a wonderful husband and will be a wonderful father, as well.

At the wedding after party, the bride confessed that she and her husband were going to start trying very soon. This would normally be news that didn't surprise me, except S is different. She has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a teenager. She has had to take harsh medication to ward off the deterioration of her body for many years. She was always told that kids were a big "if" because of her condition. My heart ached for her when she told me this. In order to maintain a pregnancy she will have to make some major adjustments to her meds. I wanted to shower her with advice, but I didn't. She knows her road might be a long one. I only told her I knew of some good RE's if she wanted their names. I hope so very much that she won't have a hard time. I hope her journey is a short one with a happy ending.

Congrats to Cibele who heard a heartbeat! Delenn also saw a heartbeat this week! Artblog wrote a wonderful and touching poem that brought tears to my eyes. If you haven't read it, please do. Leah's transfer is today so go and send her lots of good vibes!