Friday, June 20, 2008


After over a year of blissful freedom from everyone's favorite Auntie, mine returned with a vengeance this week. She came complete with stomach upset and acne. Thanks and welcome back. I have to say that it really surprised me. I really thought, given my history, that there would be nothing until I stopped breastfeeding. Now the second question is, am I going to ovulate? I dug out my CBFM, blew the dust off and fired it up.

It happens sometimes that God or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) starts sending me little signs all of a sudden. One day it was an e-mail from a friend with a link to The Campaign for Love and Forgiveness which brought me to an Online Ritual for Letting Go. It is very cool and I put the link on my side menu if you would like to check it out. I opened up my latest issue of Yoga Journal and there was a wonderful article about forgiveness. I was clearly needing to forgive someone, but who? I haven't had any major emotional trauma recently. The it dawned on me: it was me. About a million times per day I sit at my desk and think about whether I should even be at work. Is Luke ok? Have we damaged him somehow by putting him into daycare so early? At the same time, I think about how I would feel trapped if I stayed at home. I think about how I might resent giving up my career. All of these thoughts swirl around me in a cloud of guilt until I take a deep breath and push them aside, although never completely away. Perhaps the person I needed to forgive was my own inner critic. The person who tries to be perfect and tries to be everything to everyone. I know that no one can live up to that, but I was never able to let that idea go.

The article in Yoga Journal said that "forgiveness is a gift to yourself". I think that it is also a process of realization that "having it all" is really just having what you need and giving your loved ones what they need, too. That's something I will be thinking about a lot in the future.

Now that I think about it, I do have everything I need. All 17 pounds of him.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

There is Sweet Music Here

I love music. There isn't a minute of the day when I don't have a song in my head. My life has a constant soundtrack and music can take me back to certain points in time and even bring back the feelings associated with it. Elliot Smith reminds me of a time when I felt really lonely and hearing Holla Back Girl makes me think of waking up the morning of my wedding when that video was on TV.

I believe that music can heal and sooth. Music will try to cheer you up when you need it, or simply commiserate with you when you need a shoulder to cry on. I received a wonderful cd from Alison this week and I realized that I was listening to her soundtrack of the moment. I felt like I knew a little better just by looking at her song choices. I went to my iTunes account and decided to create my own soundtrack.

What is your soundtrack? What music gets you through the day or through the darkest nights? I say we fill the blogosphere with music! If you have an iTunes account, you can easily create your own mix. Or, just list it out on your blog. Let me hear what you hear!

Kate's Soundtrack - Click on the Sweet Music icon on the sidebar to go to the iMix directly

Logical Song-Supertramp: I love this song. "Please tell me who I am..."

Viva La Vida-Coldplay: I find a lot of people who are annoyed by this band, but I love them.

Crazy Faith - Alison Krauss: Is this song about religion? I can't tell, but it speaks to me.

Jane-Ben Folds: I am in love with this man's music. "It's your life/You can decorate it as you like/beneath pain and armour in your eyes/The truth still shines/Jane be Jane" Great lyrics.

Between the Bars-Elliot Smith: I still get sad when I think about Elliot Smith. He was so talented.

The Way I Am-Ingrid Michaelson: I am annoyed that Old Navy used this in a commercial. I love her voice.

Good People-Jack Johnson: I have a big crush on him. I ask myself this question every day when I listen to the news.

The Authority Song-Jimmy Eat World: What a great track. It brings me back to a summer when I was thin, and tan, and only had to worry about paying my rent and getting to work on time.......

Summer Sun-Koop: An odd Swedish band with a very good sound. That's a 14 year old Japanese girl singing, by the way.

Smile-Lilly Allen: The girl had balls. It's a great "F-You, you dumped me" song.

Minneapolis-That Dog: Just try not to sing this every time you hear someone mention

Take Your Mamma-Scissor Sisters: This is another weird sort of band that I love. There is a definite Elton John influence.

Bottle it Up-Sara Bareilles: I think of this song when someone asks me "How can you be a Cubs fan?" I do it for love, love, love....

Sweet Caroline-Neil Diamond: Go Red Sox.

Be Careful-Patti Griffin: This album is so incredibly good and so depressing. If you need a shoulder to cry on, Patti is your woman.

When You Come Back Down-Nickel Creek: I don't know what this song is about, but I always thin it's about letting go of a person or idea that you've held on to for a long time. It's beautiful.

Casimir Pulaski Day-Sufjan Stevens: I really wonder if this story is true.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Urban Legends

*Photo of a baby at the bottom of this post.*

I held out my arms to the nurse and she put many, many different allergens on my skin to see what I am allergic to, exactly. (Nothing, except for this one type of mold that is everywhere.) Having seen on my chart that I just had a baby, the nurse aksed me, "So, when are you going to have number two?" I would get offended, but many people have asked me this question. It makes my head hurt. Not just because the thought of having two seems pretty exhausting, but the process of getting pregnant seems exausting. Going back to the RE to finish the blood work we never got to and waiting and taking temperatures and peeing on sticks..... When I expressed these feelings to a good friend she told me, "I bet you get pregnant right away with the next one. Your pipes are clean now." As lovely as the imagary of clean pipes is, the idea that I might fall into one of the Urban Legends of Pregnancy seems too good to be true. Here are the top three that I hear:

3. Clean Pipes: A woman your friend knows tried to get pregnant for x years and then finally did. Then, thinking she was "safe" gets pregnant while breastfeeding.

2. Almost IVF: On the eve of starting your first IVF cycle, you find out that you're pregnant! (This actually happened to a friend of mine and it was wonderful news!)

1. The pregnancy after adoption!! After adopting a beautiful child, the woman gets pregnant. This allows people to say to you, "Just adopt and you will get pregnant!" Everyone's favorite.

I don't know if these technically qualify as "urban legends" since I am sure we all know at least one person who has experienced such things. I only know that I can't think about any of that right now. I am just trying to appreciate what I have in this moment without worrying about the future. At least for the next nine months.

Tell me your favorite - or least favorite - urban pregnancy legends. Are you one yourself?

My husband took this wonderful picture of Luke and I this weekend. Being married to a professional photographer has its upside.