Sunday, April 29, 2007

A Comfort Blanket For Your Ears

The weekend was good and it was nice to be somewhere quiet. The weather in Texas has calmed down for the time being and we spent most of the weekend outside. By the end of May it will be too hot and too full of mosquitoes to really enjoy nature without layers of bug spray.

I did some thinking, but not too much. Mostly I just tried to relax and not worry too much about my accounting final tomorrow or what the next month might have in store for us. I also listened to a lot of music. I taught music for six years and although I no longer teach for a living, music is always there for me.

I put together a mix of songs that I like right now. I posted it, but if you don't own that particular company's gadgets (ryhmes with snapple), I listed the songs so you can find them however you wish. The mix is named Kicking Inside if you need to perform a search to find it.

Nothing Left to Lose Mat Kearney
Touch of Grey Grateful Dead
This Is It Kenny Loggins
Something I Must Tell You Aberfeldy
The Littlest Birds The Be Good Tanyas
Learn to Live with What You Are Ben Folds
Waiting for My Real Life to Begin Colin Hay
Mr. E's Beautiful Blues Eels
Over My Head (Cable Car) The Fray
Let Go Frou Frou
Least Complicated Indigo Girls
Just a Ride Jem
Reasons Why Nickel Creek

I read the blogs that everyone writes and there are some that take my breath away. There are some truly talented people writing beautiful and honest accounts of their struggles. I will never be a great writer but I can at least organize a little musical therapy. Obviously it cannot heal the deep wounds that some have endured, but I hope that it helps just a little.

Please let me know if there are songs that you find particularly comforting or uplifting during hard times. Obviously, cheesy songs are accepted. I would love to hear what everyone else is listening to.

Also, please dance around your living room if you like the songs and the mood strikes. Dancing is good for you.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

How Many Pieces of Flair?

I've been waking up at 4:30am for the last few nights. I mean I am wide awake. This isn't that unusual for me since I am a very bad sleeper and I always have been. I manage to drift off again just as the alarm goes off, of course. I'm not really worrying about anything in particular. At least, nothing new. This is CD 25 and I know that in three more days I will go through my monthly ritual of feeling down, feeling angry and feeling like I can't do anything right.

I called the RE that my regular OB/GYN works with, Dr. Fast. I call her that because her real name means fast in German and because I hope that it's a sign. The first thing we need to do is get M in for a semen analysis. Calling and getting the information would normally not be a big deal, but I work for a government contractor which means I work in a sea of cubicles and open desks. It's very Office Space or The Matrix, if you prefer. There is no privacy. So, I am forced to either think of clever codewords for semen analysis OR call only at lunch when everyone else on the planet calls their doctor OR force socially awkward engineers to listen to me talk about my cycles and my husband's sperm. You can see my dilemma. I need an emens-ay nalysis-ay for my usband-ay.

I did call during lunch, but the call back came long after I returned to work. Ms. T, the new patient coordinator, understood and started asking me yes or no questions. That was interesting. I managed to find out that I needed to have M's test ordered. Really? Well, then, I ORDER you to give him the friggin' test! How's that? *sigh* M said that he needed a physical anyway, so he agreed to go as soon as possible.

Our plan is to make all appointments for June and take May to give it one more try. Maybe I should just go in now, but I think that M and I both need time to adjust to the idea of needing help. When you have worked hard your whole life to be a healthy person, this kind of thing just takes the wind out of your sails. Also, there is always that little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me "maybe next month". After all, I am a Cubs fan and fruitless waiting is what we do best.

We are going to my parents house this weekend which is not always the most relaxing environment for me. It's a much needed break from H-town, though, and a brief rest before my accounting final on Monday. Even though I know the answer I'll pee on a stick Friday morning so that I can have some guilt-free wine by the pool while I try not to think about you know what.

That shouldn't be too difficult, right?

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Chapter 1

As another two week wait comes to a close I have been begun to gear up for what I was always most afraid of - going to the doctor. After almost a year of trying it is time to face facts. We may need help. To those who are seasoned veterans to the roller coaster that is conception, this statement must seem naive. I could still be on this path one, two, three years from now. Maybe even longer.

I have managed to escape my life as an adult with only the yearly well-woman exam. Well, woman, this may be the start of a grand adventure complete with medical devices stuck in places where they don't belong and a clinical knowledge of the female reproductive system.

This week was long and emotional. Forget, for a moment, the PMS hormones, but every time I turned on the TV I saw people grieving. When I got home from work on Friday I watched as numerous news helicopters circled the Space Center so that they wouldn't miss a moment of someone's personal tragedy.

I have unfulfilled desires in my life, but it is still a good life. It is easy for me to become immersed in my own wishes and goals. I know I do not count my blessings as often as I should. It gave me a slightly different perspective on what I was about to experience. I am enough of a Mid-Westerner to tell myself that all we can do is gather the information and try our best. It may be painful and there will certainly be moments that aren't fun, but this is it. This is the way it is going to have to go for us. Not everyone gets the story they want, but that doesn't mean they can't have their happy ending.

M is pacing in the kitchen waiting for his breakfast cookies to come out of the oven.
I do love that man.
Who says I don't have any kids?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I am?

This was a nice little thing to read....

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


I woke up yesterday morning in a much better mood. I never had to attend another baby shower ever again. The air was sweeter, water tasted better, blah, blah, blah. When I opened my e-mail at work, there is was. CH's Baby Shower invitation. (cue ominous music.)

I have known CH since we were in 6th grade. Our brothers played little league together, and we attended Jr. High, High School and college together. She was my Maid of Honor, and I was hers. CH married a man thirteen years older and they decided that children were not for them. DH, her husband, did not want children, and after working for Children and Family Services for three years, she agreed.

It's normal to drift apart from your friends. We were not as close as we once were, but there was always an interest in how the other was doing. She started teaching 2nd grade and we would talk about our teaching experiences. We would meet for lunch when I came into town to visit my parents. It was a comfortable and adult sort of friendship that can only develop after you've known someone for a long time.

When M and I started our little romp through attempted pregnancy, I would often take comfort in the fact that no matter how many pregnant people surrounded me, there would always be CH. Looking back on that now, it seems selfish for me to expect her to always be "that friend". Then, one day, after innocently e-mailing her to see how life was going, she answered with this: Oops, I'm pregnant.

I will admit that I was devastated. There was jealously, but it was more than that. I think deep down there was a little anger that she went against the life that she planned for herself. In the process, I was forced to wonder if perhaps the life I planned for myself would end up dramatically different, as well. What if I became the "childless friend"?

Shortly after her announcement I saw her at Christmas Eve services. She turned into my biggest fear: the smug pregnant woman (again with the music). She threw every cliche in the book at me: relax, don't worry - it'll happen. She all but patted me on the head when I told her I was having a hard time emotionally. The last thing she said was my favorite. She told me that the reason it happened as an accident for her was because "God knew that if we had to actually try, we would have just given up." Well, that cleared it up! It was God that was torturing me and it was God that gave babies to all of the lazy people of the world. I have seen the light!

Although we have exchanged e-mails I have not seen her since. I don't know if I could see her right now. We grew up together and in my foolish little Jr. High mind I always imagined we would be pregnant together, as well. Standing on the other side of the fence wasn't what I had in mind. She is not a bad person. She is a kind and caring person who is understandably happy about her good news. I am the crank who has to make myself feel better by using my hurt as a defense.

The invitation in my e-mail was for a shower in the middle of the week at 3:15pm. Since I live 2 1/2 hours away I didn't even bother to reply that I wouldn't be able to make it. She knew I wouldn't. Maybe that was her gift to me. After all, she knows me very well. I am going to go online and pour all of my conflicted feelings into picking out a gift from her registry and all my shame for those feelings into a nice, cheery statement for the gift card.

It's the least I can do, right?

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Pity, Party of One

The worst part of having these feelings is the guilt. My friend MP is one of the kindest people I know. She and her husband are true friends and will make wonderful parents. Every child should be so lucky as to have parents like them. That is why I am overcome with guilt when I find myself avoiding MP. It's just too hard. She started trying to get pregnant a few months after we did and, of course, she got pregnant on her first try. No problem.

Why would I volunteer to host her baby shower? In my defense, I volunteered six months ago and I never thought I would be in this situation. I was sure that I would be at the shower with a bump of my very own. Of course, I do have a slight bump, but it's fat. Not exactly what I had in mind.

I stayed up until 12:30am Friday night making cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and chopping veggies. I put custom colored jelly beans into tiny little favor boxes and tied them with ribbons I picked out to match the nursery colors.

I put on a new dress, plastered on a smile, and did the best I could. T kept shooting me nervous glances the whole day. I don't know if she was afraid I would cry, get drunk and cry, or just grab the jogging stroller with the iPod docking station and make a run for it. I made it though, and I decided that it was my last baby shower. I'm all for punishing myself, but even I have my limits.

The worst part is, I know that MP could sense my discomfort. There is nothing worse than that look of pity. Nothing. I know it only hurts because I am jealous and miserable. I deserve her pity.

M and I made our way home and he held my hand and rubbed my back while we watched Will Ferrell on SNL re-runs. I thought about how the shower probably turned into a full blown party. I wondered how big of a jerk MP and T thought I was for being such a wimp.

I woke up this morning and the air was dry and the sun was out. I have five tomatoes already on the vine. Another two week wait is coming up, so let's hope I can grow more than just tomatoes.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Obligatory Explanation

Yes, I want to have a baby. I want to be pregnant. I want to be physically uncomfortable and have everyone tell me that I'm glowing and all of the other crap that goes with it. It's an evolutionary time bomb that went off in me one day. I surrender.

So, what's the hold up? I have no idea.

Last June I went to my OB/GYN and told her that M and I were going to try to get pregnant. She told me she would see me in a few months (wink, wink). I threw out my birth control and away we went. Or not. Sound familiar? Six long months later I had my first "normal cycle" after birth control pills. Why does everyone say that you will return to normal cycles "right away" when that is not the case? I have spoken to others that had similar experiences. It doesn't exactly fill you with confidence when you start having 42 day cycles, does it?!?!?!?!?

Almost four months ago M and I were able to start officially trying. This means I could actually predict what my body was going to do and we could time things accordingly. While I was waiting for my body to stop freaking out, no less than three friends became pregnant. If you have been through this you know that all of a sudden you feel like God is sending pregnant people after you, like Night of the Living Dead. Instead of "Brains......Brains!!" they stagger towards you with their ultrasound pictures and baby shower invitations. There is no escaping them. They are everywhere. You also notice that people who have no idea what you are going through love to give advice. My favorite is the dreaded....."just relax".

I bought books. I read those books. I prayed...well, I still do that. I took herbs. I stopped taking herbs. I kept trying to feed my husband turkey (for the zinc). My husband asked what the hell was going on with all of the turkey.

Friends? I have a lot of friends. I have friends who get pregnant without trying and I have friends who have gone through multiple miscarriages, IVF, hormone shots and some really unimaginable things. All of those friends have babies, too. I also have friends that do not want children right now and think that my pursuit of motherhood is causing me to go "downhill".

I don’t know if there is a problem. Maybe I will get pregnant this month. Maybe next month. Maybe I will never see the inside of an RE's office. I am not trying to compare what I am going through to someone who has experienced the loss of a child, of a pregnancy, or the idea of being a parent. All I know is that I have a good life, a wonderful husband, and I still feel alone. I feel like no one understands the fear that my body might not be able to do what comes so easily to others. I stopped talking to my friends about this because I couldn't bear to hear another round of "It'll happen for you!" or "Why are you trying to get pregnant right now, anyway?"

I know that this will all come to a resolution somehow. What was it that Tom Petty said? The waiting is the hardest part.

Did I mention that I am throwing a baby shower on Saturday?