Thursday, December 20, 2007

Auld Lang Syne

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Guns and Other Fun

I talk about baby stuff a lot in this post. Sorry.

If you are married, did you register for gifts? I remember dragging M to T.arget and W.illiam S.onoma with much complaining on his part. He got that gun in his hand, though, and the next thing I knew we had registered for a wine fridge and a $1500 espresso machine. (We didn't get either one, thank goodness). A few weeks ago, M had a small meltdown about out baby shower. Neither one of us are really big fans of baby showers. Having suffered through many of them, I knew that if I did have one, it would have to be very non-traditional. Some very kind friends of ours are granting that wish, so off to T.arget I went. I have to admit, it was fun. I also registered on A.mazon for books and music. I refused to go to B.abies-r-U.s. I just can't seem to forgive that store for the way I used to feel when I walked into it. I know it's stupid, but I'm just not there, yet. After the shower meltdown that M had, I assumed he would not be interested in my trip to register. When I told him I was going, he said, "Without me?" I give up. We walked up and down the isles while he pointed out any blanket, bib or towel that had airplanes on it. The power of the gun strikes again.

Every Wednesday for the past three weeks M and I have been attending a "childbirth class". I didn't expect to learn anything new since I could probably open my own fertility and pregnancy bookstore, but they let you pre-register and you get a tour of the hospital. Last night was the hospital tour. Having never even set foot inside this hospital, I was very interested to see what the delivery rooms and nursery looked like. Everything seemed to be fine and everyone ooohed and aaahed over the brand new babies. I got the feeling that everyone tells me about - there's no turning back now. We also watched a C-Section video and more than one of the fathers looked like they weren't going to make it. I also had my 28 week appointment earlier in the day. We get another look at the baby in one month. What a loooong month this is going to be!

I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I don't know why. I certainly have so many things to grateful for, and I am very, very grateful. Perhaps being on the brink of such a big change in my life is making me more reflective. This time of year can be hard. I remember last year was tinged with a little bit of sadness that I didn't have any "good news" to give my parents as the ultimate gift. I thought that I would surely be pregnant by Christmas. My wish is that everyone's greatest hope comes true this year. I don't think I will ever forget how it felt to have that hope and not really know whether the next year would bring wanted I wanted so much.

Thank you all so much for your supportive comments on my last post. It really helped me to feel less alone in all of this. Please go and say congrats to Baby Moxie who had a wonderful ultrasound! I hope that everyone stays safe and warm this holiday season!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Home Stretch

It dawned on me when we walked into our first prenatal class on Wednesday that I am just days away from being in my last trimester. This morning when I was putting on my make-up I found the first pregnancy test I took with the + in the little window. I don't think it's something I will put in the baby book, but I just can't bear to throw it away. On that morning when I first stared in disbelief at that piece of plastic, nine months seemed so far away. I couldn't even imagine what I would look like with a large belly or how it would feel walking through the park with a stroller. It was beyond my imagination. Now, we're pricing cribs and registering for shower gifts and I'm wondering if I can come back to work part-time for a while.

I don't want to loose touch with the scared person that I was. I don't want to forget what it felt like have that outside looking in feeling. If I forget, then I might not appreciate what I have, and I do appreciate it. More than anything. As plans become more concrete and the realness of this situation sinks in, I have a lot of fears. I am not afraid of labor or delivery, I am afraid of what happens after that. I could tell you every hormone that is running through my veins right now and what is going on with the baby's development, but what's next? When the baby is finally here, will I measure up?

Is it ok to be afraid of something that you have wanted so badly for so long?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In the Beginning.....

JJ asked everyone to share their blog's birth story and I thought it was a good idea! I had to think for a moment about what made me start this one. I know that I was Googling furiously one day about why my period was out of whack after stopping birth control. Mine had gone missing shortly after stopping the pill and I was having 42 day cycles. I came across Uterine Wars and I couldn't stop reading. Soper tells her story of tests, miscarriages and finally a decision to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. I'm not doing it justice because she writes about things that touch you so deeply and still manages to make you laugh out loud. I never really thought about adoption or my feelings about adoption and what it means for the parents involved as well as the child. It was very educational and I am so glad I found it. She will probably never see this, but thank you. You don't know how much you helped me. I also found Julie's blog around the same time and was equally touched by her honesty. Through Julie's big list I was able to find many of the blogs I read on a daily basis and the people that I now consider friends. I realized that my feelings did not own me when I was able to write them down and that I could do it in a safe environment by hiding in plain sight in the vastness of cyberspace. To this day only my husband and one good friend know about my blog and I will probably keep it that way.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who writes. I often feel like an outsider since I got pregnant before many of my questions were answered. I haven't been through half of what some of the bloggers have been through, but even tasting a little bit of that pain has made me admire the perseverance and honesty that so many people display through their writing. If I had gotten pregnant right away I would probably be one of the jerks that you write about, but I feel like I have been saved from jerkdom and humbled by your kindness and openness. Things that I might have taken for granted will never be viewed with anything but wonderment and gratitude. Thank you all for that gift.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Red Pills and Sugar Drinks

Well, I survived my glucose screening. Everyone made it sound like it was going to be the most horrible thing in the world. Another episode of "Mommy Hazing", to steal a phrase. It wasn't that bad. The drink tastes like that cheap punch they serve in school. The good news is, I passed and my blood sugar was in normal range. I am, however, a little anemic. I don't feel that way, but, as I have said before, being a teacher will completely throw off your judgement of exhaustion. I have to take a huge, red horse pill every other day. They gave a laundry list of horrible things that the pills might do to you, including constipation, but so far I haven't noticed anything. Knock on wood.

Saturday, I made dinner for a few friends and we hung out and played with the kids (twin girls, age one and a 2.5 year old boy). M decided to go and watch movies at our friend D's house. I met them there afterwards with part of a pie that I made and they were both completely and totally drunk. I mean plastered. Since we have met I have only seen M like that maybe two other times. I had to laugh because they were pretty funny.

If you go over to Baby Moxie you will see some wonderful news! I am so very happy for her! Also, go and visit Lara who is in the middle of a wait after a transfer.

For those of you that celebrate Thanksgiving I hope everyone has a healthy and happy one!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I Want Candy?

I was not really allowed to watch TV as a child. At the time, of course, it was pure torture, but I appreciate it now. I probably wouldn't have read all of the wonderful books that I did if we were allowed to watch an unlimited amount of TV. Now, however, i find that it is quite easy to just sit on the couch all night and just turn off my mind. It doesn't help that we just got new cable service that came with a DVR. I love this thing. Also, we now have BBC America. I love BBC. Those of you "across the pond" just don't realize how much better your programming is, overall. I do think that my love of British TV is starting to affect my dreams.

Last night I dreamed that the characters from The O.ffice (American) and I were in a band and were entering a Battle of the Bands type competition. I don't remember what song we were supposed to sing, but the band before us sang the same song, so at the last minute we sang the 80's hit, I Want Candy. (Don't ask me why. I haven't heard that song in ages. Maybe I really did just want candy.) So, we did, and while we didn't win the competition, all of the other bands came up and congratulated us. All of the really cute musicians with English accents kept telling me, "you were fantastic", etc... It was actually really nice.

Last night at dinner I was telling M that as the due date approaches I don't really feel ready. I don't feel different than I did when I was 16. Maybe this dream was a throwback to my memories of being in a punk band in college, which was really fun. Perhaps the praise was a way for my subconscious to give my conscience the reassurance that, in fact, I am not the big blob I feel like. Or, maybe I watch too much freaking TV.

Please go over to Baby Moxie and give her some good thoughts as she waits after her 2nd IVF. I am sending many, many good thoughts her way! Also, go and congratulate Fertilize Me on a great ultrasound!

Friday, November 09, 2007

You Don't Say...

Ok, this is just weird.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing.

You bring security and harmony to many.

At times, you are also a very sensual person.

You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire.

Your fortune:

You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life.

It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you.

It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be.

You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007


While I was in jury duty hell yesterday, I had time to think about all of my parenting issues. After reading a really great article in Y.oga J.ournal about taming your inner control freak, I realized that I was trying to control the situation. When you try to control the situation, the situation always ends up controlling you. So, I realized that I somehow have to balance my legitimate concern about my parents health and well-being and my need to make them people that they aren't. Am I really willing to spend all of that energy trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so? No, I'm not. I know I have spoken about this book before, but it is so good. It has really helped me gain a lot of perspective in my life. One thing it talked about was acceptance and its "shadow" emotion - resentment. That is so true for this situation. It's because I can't accept the situation that I am trying to control it. If I feel uncomfortable with the way my parents behave, then I won't be a part of it. I have decided to give myself permission to do that. They know how I feel, so there is really nothing more that needs to be said.

Thanks to all of you who commented and left all of the compliments! I admit, I have been feeling pretty unattractive lately and I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it's temporary. It's still hard sometimes, though, so thanks! It really cheered me up!

Friday, November 02, 2007

Who's the Child?

The Halloween party was a lot of fun and I have included a picture of M and I. Please notice the 80's glasses on M (he actually wore those in the 80s) and the cigarettes in my sleeve. It was a good party and I'm really glad we went!

LJ wrote a post this week that touched upon the way we sometimes feel like the parents of our parents. I have been going through this a lot lately. My parents have always been sort of unusual. They are self-proclaimed "old hippies" with liberal political views and lots of animals in the house. That part never bothered me before, but now that I think about bringing my child there, I feel differently. The house is so cluttered and full of, well, crap that they don't need. I want to scream.

My mother suffered from an eating disorder and depression for most of my childhood and although she now gets help and is definitely not the woman who raised me, our relationship has never recovered. We are not best friends. I don't call her when I've had a bad day or when M and I have a fight. Every time I do confide in her, she so desperately wants to make up for the crappy parent she used to be, I just end up feeling like I'm being treated like a child. I have made my peace with that, but she has not. She is the kind of person that will plough ahead and do what she set out to do regardless of the wishes of the people her actions impact the most. From the moment M and I got married, all she could talk about was grandkids. Now, she is finally getting what she has wanted for so long, yet she remains uninterested in cleaning the house or being more vigilant about her health. It worries me so much and nothing that I express to her gets through. I end up trying to clean the house every time I go over there, but I know that it will simply go back to the way it was. My dad? He just doesn't seem to get it either. I know I need to let this go, and I would if it were just me. Now, though, I just think that I don't want to bring my baby over there. My brother and I have both tried talking to them, but it just isn't getting through. Am I going to have to use my child as a threat? If anyone else has gone through this or something similar to this, I would really appreciate some comments. It's on my mind all of the time and I really don't know what to do.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Whiskey Tango

Thank you so much for your kind words. I cannot tell you how much they mean to me and I feel very lucky to have such a great support system. I spoke with my parents and my brother last night after the funeral. They said it was sad, but good, and that everyone seemed to take comfort from being together. They all went to my other Aunt's house afterwards where there was a lot of food, laughter, and stories. It was very fitting and I think that Aunt J's spirit was there and was happy. What more can you ask for?

Every year my friend L has a huge Halloween party that everyone looks forward to. The costumes get pretty creative and I love seeing what other people come up with. I've been looking for something really good that incorporates my belly, which is pretty visible now. I decided to go as "Miz White Trash". (I normally think those kinds of things are kind of insulting, as if I'm making fun of people who are poor, but in this part of the country there are plenty of people who fall into the WT category who are not poor at all. It cuts across all socio-economic boundaries in T.exas. Also, I decided that maybe I needed to lighten up and have a sense of humor.)

I bought a used prom gown that really doesn't fit and will put some rollers in my hair and generally not make any sort of effort to hide my figure or make myself look, well, like "Miss" anything. As I was thinking about it, I realized what I really was going to be. I am going to be every irresponsible, liquor drinking, cigarette smoking, too young pregnant person I ever read about that made me say, "She can get pregnant, and I can't????" I am going to get an empty pack of cigarettes from someone and stick them in the cleavage that I now have and get an empty liquor bottle and put apple juice in it or something. That should complete the outfit. I know people will laugh, but I also know that there will be just the teeniest amount of bitterness on my part that no one will know about but me. I will also feel a sense of gratitude for my own condition and that the belly under my dress is my own. That is something I could never forget.

Is anyone else going to a party? If so, I would love to hear about the costume you are choosing!

Please go over and see Hope who got some bad news and needs some love. I am so damn sorry, sweetie.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

It Goes On

I hate early morning phone calls. They are never good news. This morning was no exception. My Aunt J passed away early this morning. She was in hospice after an exhausting battle with cancer that started in her lungs from years of being a smoker. My father is #6 out of 7 kids, and Aunt J was the youngest. He was holding it together pretty well, I thought, but I could tell his heart was breaking. As he told me the details that he knew, I could feel the baby kicking me. It reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

In three words I can sum up everything I know about life - It Goes On. - Robert Frost

Goodbye, Aunt J. I will miss your laugh and your cooking. Be at peace.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Today marks 20 weeks! It seems like I've been pregnant for much longer, although I do not mean that as a complaint. I've been trying to appreciate every single moment of this whole experience and that may account for the sloooow passage of time. Of course, when I think about how NOTHING is ready in the house, time seems to have gone by more quickly. At any rate, I am happy and grateful to be here at this point. I feel the baby move several times every day as he gets stronger and stronger. It's so amazing.

We had a wonderful time in Virginia/DC and I will try to post a picture soon. I love spending time with the niece and two nephews. They are so hilarious! We visited the WWII memorial and I thought it was very nice. We just finished watching The on PBS, so it seemed a little more real than I think it would have normally. Did anyone else see that documentary? I thought it was amazing. I have my monthly check-up tomorrow and we go to look at a daycare on Thursday. This is all really going to happen! If I sit and think about it, it starts to scare me a little bit. I even bought a book meant for men to learn about baby care. What's worse, I didn't know a lot of the facts in the book!

Tomorrow I am going to see a friend who is going through a really hard time. She is an IF veteran and has been trying for child number two for a few years now. Her wonderful son came to the world after a really heartbreaking pregnancy loss at 6 months and she just had her first foray into the world of IVF. After a good initial report, they told her when she went in for the transfer that the embies did not progress as they had hoped. They went ahead with the transfer, but no one was really optimistic. My heart breaks for her. She has been through so much and now this. I could hear how lonely she felt in her grief when I spoke to her on the phone. If you happen to have a few moments, maybe you can spare a good thought for her.

My good thoughts are with all of you, especially those of you who lit a candle yesterday.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Allergies and Such

Well, the trip to the allergist was interesting to say the least. It turns out that one of her specialities is treating pregnant women who have asthma and allergies. I guess that's one advantage to living in a large, polluted city with one of the largest medical centers in the world. I have never been to an allergist. No one in my family has asthma and I always just treated my sinus headaches with over the counter whatever. They gave me a breathing test and when the doctor came in she told me: Someone your age, non-smoker who is not overweight should be in the 90th percentile, at least. You're an 82. Oops. I guess that little cough I always have (I call it the Houston cough) actually was something. I asked her if it could be because I was pregnant because I might as well blame it on the baby, right? She told me that while the diaphragm is squeezed, that does not affect lung flow. She told me to try not to use the Tylenol sinus because decongestants are not the best thing in your first two trimesters, hence the rising blood pressure. I walked out of there with TWO inhalers, one nasal spray and z.yrtec. Lord almighty! Do any of you guys have any experience with mild asthma, inhalers or anything like that?

Meanwhile, I feel the baby kicking more and more and it is pretty cool! We are leaving tomorrow for M.clean, VA to visit M's brother who just built a new house that I am dying to see. It will be nice to get a small break from the heat since it is still in the 90's here. Thank you global warming. If you haven't gone to see Leah, she has FANTASIC news! LJ got a great fertilization result from her retrieval and I hope those cells keep dividing!!!! Also, Baby Moxie is wearing the cutest green dress/blouse ever. I love it!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Boy, Oh, Boy!

*Ultrasound pictures below*

We had our 17 week ultrasound yesterday and everything looked really good. They told us for sure it's a boy and we got a really good look because he stuck his ass right in the "camera". Thanks for that! The blood tests came back great and I just can't believe that we are so on track. We are having a boy! Wow.

I just have to share something that happened at work. I was processing a new employee and the cost of health care came up. She mentioned that she had insurance, but resented it because she didn't go to Doctors and only practiced natural medicine. Ok, fine, I thought. Since she has three kids she keeps the insurance in case of emergencies or broken bones. She then proceeded to complain about the cost of insurance being due to "those illegal immigrants". Now, I am a pretty open minded person in a closed minded part of the country, so I can always sense when racist rant is headed my way. I felt the need to head her off before it got worse, so I explained to her what factors really keep insurance rates high, but she just sort of looked at me with vacant eyes. Then she came up with this little gem:

Yeah, and people with diabetes. I got a flyer in the mail for a walk for diabetes research. Why don't they just stop eating sugar? Ever thought of that? What?????????? Are you kidding me? I felt like I was in an episode of The Office. What a horrible thing to say! I almost wanted to laugh, it was so terrible.

Anyway, congrats to Fatty Pants and Vacant Womb who have all gotten great news recently. I am also thinking about Becky. If you have a chance, go and give her some love. Thank you so much to JJ for her wonderful cd. I love all of the music. I am a firm believer in music therapy and I can tell that she is, as well! I have a bunch of stuff to send out to the Braces Bunch. School and work have been eating my lunch, lately, but I will get to it soon, I promise!

Ok, here is the little one with his butt in the air:

And here are some profile shots:

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Point it Down

I had my monthly checkup today at 16weeks and 1 day and everything looks good. My blood pressure was up, not dangerously up, but higher than last time. Dr. T thinks it may be due to the Tylenol allergy medicine have to take at least once a day. The sinus headaches are getting really bad. So, now I have to go to an allergist. One week from today I have the 17 week ultrasound and they will tell us "for sure" that it's a boy. I'm just looking forward to seeing him again!!

A few weeks ago I went to the mall with my friends MW and SL, both IF survivors and both a great source of support for me. MW has twin girls, about 1 year and SL has one 2 year old boy. I thought it was going to be a little torturous, I have to admit. I'm not a big fan of malls and the chaos of the kids.......well, you can probably understand. It was actually a lot of fun. We ended up in the food court and I watched SL run after her toddler while I ate my C.hick-fil-a and MW fed the girls cheerios. They fired off advice and I tried to keep up. Strollers, diaper bags, clothes, came at me pretty fast. I just kept eating and thought about how I hadn't set foot in a B.abies-r-Us in over a year. All of a sudden, SL gave a little scream. "He just peed on me!" She had just changed her son's diaper, but forgot one crucial detail: you have to point his little peeps down. Otherwise, it's everywhere but the diaper. I have to say that I can't remember any of the advice that was given to me, but I will never forget what I learned that day - point it down.

We have had a few BFPs and it's so great! I am also thinking about everyone who is still waiting for theirs. I'm always thinking of you.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour: Love and Other Impossible Pursuits

This was a very interesting book. Within a good relationship story there were a lot of issues covered: infidelity, blended families, miscarriage, and loss. I was intrigued by the Carolyn character, since no one can be that much of a bitch.......can they? I would like to have more of a peek into her experience, but that will have to be for the next book, hmmm? I locve the titel because love is so complicated in all of its forms. In a relationship wit your spouse, parents, children and yourself. Nothing is black and white. Emilia was not always a nice person or a likable one and I appreciated that very much. The conflict I felt about some of her actions made the book much more that just a "fun read". It made me examine some of my own feelings about relationships I have or used to have in my life.

Now, on to the questions...............

Emilia debates participating in the Walk to Remember and questions whether grief counseling or support groups really help when confronted with tragedy. What are your feelings about counseling and support groups? Do you feel that they have some merit?

I think that grief of any kind can be a lonely experience. The reason I started my blog was because I felt a certain amount of loneliness when confronted with my fertility or lack thereof. When people say "support group" it often brings to mind a circle of folding chairs in a church basement with sensitive ponytail man leading the group. IN this day and age I see a lot of different kinds of support groups. As I mentioned before, this blogging community has been a tremendous source of support for me and I know that there are many others who would agree!

As Emilia is grieving over the loss of Isabel, she mentions that her friend Mindy's miscarriage is not nearly the same as losing a child that you have held in your arms. How did this comment affect you? Did you agree that despite her efforts, Mindy is unable to relate to her and that the experiences are totally different?

I have never experienced Emilia or Mindy's loss, but I am always very hesitant to try to judge other's pain by my own. That comment made me uncomfortable. It would be a nightmare beyond my reckoning to wake up and find that my baby was dead. Even now it sends shivers down my spine. At the same time, I live with the fear every day that something will happen to my unborn child and I will have a miscarriage. Perhaps it isn't about whether or not their pain is the same kind of pain because they are two different people with a lifetime of different experiences. I think that the experiences are totally different but that does not mean that one outranks the other, even though society might judge it to be that way. As far as being able to relate to someone else's pain I have to say again that Emilia's anger towards Mindy's wanting to relate to her is wrapped up in Emilia's own anger over the whole situation.

Do you think that Jack was supportive of Emilia's task for watching William on Wednesday? Should Emilia have to maintain the same demands/lifestyle standards has Carolyn placed upon William's nanny?

It seemed to me that Jack was a little out of touch with that whole situation. Emilia wanted to prove that she was ok and tough and Jack wanted to believe that they could continue to function as a (somewhat) normal family. I also thought that Jack should have stuck up for Emilia a little more when it came to Carolyn's extremely strict way of doing.....everything. Maybe he felt guilty - I don't know. No, I don't think that Emilia should have had to keep the insanity going while she had William in the afternoons. Rather than a time to get to know each other it became stressful for Emilia as she wondered what mistake she would make next.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Can't Help It

I did what I said I would not do and bought baby clothes. Only two items, but as I walked up to the register at B.aby G.ap I felt like I was inviting disaster. I took a deep breath and bought the onesie and the little shirt. I love them. I take them out and look at them, imagining how our baby might look wearing them. I've been allowing myself to imagine these kinds of things, but it feels strange. I am waiting to feel his first movements inside of me and waiting to feel that sense of relief when I do. I know the worry will never go away, but there are certain things that make you feel better.

M's sister sent us an outfit for the baby yesterday and I tucked it carefully away with the others. Other than that, we haven't bought anything. Not one piece of furniture or accessory. I have , however, started talking to daycares. Staying at home isn't going to be a possibility for us and I have come to terms with that. There is a Montessori school that has excellent infant care, so we are going to bite the bullet (financially) and sign up. I thought M would have a minor heart attack when he heard how much it cost, but he was surprisingly calm.

I go in for the second blood draw for the NT scan and related testing on Monday. Then, I have my second "regular" OB appointment. A week later we should have our second scan and will find out for sure the gender. I can't wait. I miss seeing him! On that note, here is a picture from the 13 week scan which is now a couple of weeks old. He's starting to look like a real baby!

There are several people who have had transfers and are waiting for beta tests. I am hoping and praying that everyone gets good news. Baby Moxie, I am especially thinking about you today!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


The NT scan was wonderful! The little one was moving around and seems to be growing very well. The nuchal fold was "nice and thin" according to the Dr. and a nice nasal bone could be seen, as well. The technician took the time to point out muscle, bone, bladder and stomach. We were also given an 80% guess that it's a boy! Given our "timing" and M's family history, I was expecting a boy, but it's nice to have that preliminary guess. I feel so profoundly grateful for all of this. It surrounds me as I go about my day and I can't stop the mantra in my head...thank you, thank you, thank you.

A dear friend was married this weekend and we stayed in town to attend the wedding. It was very touching and during the vows M took my hand and squeezed it hard. I hope I never forget how it felt to marry him. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. He is a wonderful husband and will be a wonderful father, as well.

At the wedding after party, the bride confessed that she and her husband were going to start trying very soon. This would normally be news that didn't surprise me, except S is different. She has suffered from rheumatoid arthritis since she was a teenager. She has had to take harsh medication to ward off the deterioration of her body for many years. She was always told that kids were a big "if" because of her condition. My heart ached for her when she told me this. In order to maintain a pregnancy she will have to make some major adjustments to her meds. I wanted to shower her with advice, but I didn't. She knows her road might be a long one. I only told her I knew of some good RE's if she wanted their names. I hope so very much that she won't have a hard time. I hope her journey is a short one with a happy ending.

Congrats to Cibele who heard a heartbeat! Delenn also saw a heartbeat this week! Artblog wrote a wonderful and touching poem that brought tears to my eyes. If you haven't read it, please do. Leah's transfer is today so go and send her lots of good vibes!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Thirteen weeks today! I can't believe it. It seems that the weeks are going by a little more quickly, but maybe that's because I am feeling better. I had my first regular OB appointment, and Dr. T's first words to me were, "Glad to have you back!" It was good to be back. I got to actually hear the heartbeat, which was wonderful and strong. Other than that, everything seems to be going well.

I go in tomorrow for my NT scan with the prenatal specialist. I am a little worried. In reality M and I have no risk factors, but that doesn't mean that you're 100% safe. It's one more thing to worry about, I suppose. I am excited about seeing the baby, though! It's been three weeks since the last ultrasound and I am interested to see how much growth there has been. Speaking of growth, my wardrobe is shrinking every day! I have two pairs of work pants that still fit - barely - and a few skirts. The problem is, my maternity pants are still a little too big. I'm in clothing limbo.

Last Tuesday I sent out an e-mail to all of my friends letting them know about the "big news". I was at a going away party the next day and was overwhelmed with all of the questions. Have you thought about names? Are you going to get a new house? Are you going to find out the sex? I was a little unprepared for how all of the questions made me feel a little panicked. I guess I need to start really thinking about the logistics of this. FMLA, daycare, furniture, birthing classes.....yikes. My favorite question was, "Was this planned?" Uh, yeah, you could say that.

I'm thinking about Baby Moxie this week and hoping that this year September 11th can have a more positive connotation for her.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Back to Life

I never want to come back to Houston after visiting Chicago and this time was no different. Here I am, though, back in the land of 95 degree temperatures and hurricanes. Another day in paradise. I am still a single gal for a few more days until M returns via car from the Midwest and I am ready for him to come home. I never sleep well when he's gone and I am exhausted!

The visit was really good and it was the first time since M's father passed away that both siblings and all of their kids ( seven in all) were together. It was noisy and cheerful and it made me feel very fortunate to be a part of such a great family. We told everyone our news and there was a lot of hugging and M's sister even cried.

O'Hare was a mess all weekend and I didn't get home until late on Sunday. I woke up with a nasty headache on Monday and only made it through a half a day at work. Last night, I barely made it to the bathroom before my stomach violently rejected everything I ate that day. There was so much pressure that I think I burst some capillaries in my face! I have little red dots around my nose and on my forehead. Has anyone ever had that happen? I don't really throw up, so I don't know if that's normal. I have very fair skin, so that might also have something to do with it. I still have a slight headache, but it's manageable. My next Dr.'s appointment is tomorrow so I will definitely bring up the headaches.

Special congrats go out to Cibele! She is feeling really anxious, so go and give her some love if you have a chance.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

It's Not The Heat......

I am not someone who likes the summer months. Unfortunately, here in H.ouston, we have more summer months than anything else. Today, with 70% humidity, we will have a heat index of 110. Are you kidding me??? My ancestors came over on the Mayflower. We come from cold places and I am just not genetically set up for this. So, if yo live somewhere that has a temperature today below 90, please take a moment to be grateful. Also, think of me frying like an egg on the sidewalk.

The good news is, I leave for C.hicago tomorrow! M is from a southeast suburb and drove up earlier in the week to help his mom around the house. I cannot wait to go! I love C.hicago. It is a great city and if you have never been there I recommend a visit! We are going to announce to M's family our "big news". As far as our friends go, I am going to wait until my first regular OB appointment on the 24th before I make the announcement. I just want one more check to make sure everything is OK.

As I was driving to my parents house this weekend I thought about why I was hesitant to tell people. There is always that fear that the worst will happen and you will be forced to grieve publicly. I think that mainly it is that no one knows about the visits to the RE or the months of not knowing what would happen. We kept it very private. I want to tell everyone that this is different. I'm not just another thirty-something popping out a kid! I know I have not been through that much in my IF journey. There are many who have been through hell and are still going through hell and I am not comparing myself to those people. We were fortunate and hopefully that will hold true for the next pregnancy, as well. You never know, though, and I can't help but feel that I need to really treasure this pregnancy. I don't know if this is really a rational feeling to have and it could very well be influenced by hormones. The important thing is that I am 11 weeks today and everything is looking good, so far.

Congrats to Caro who got some excellent news! Also, go and give some love to Waiting for Life who lost a family pet. I think we've all been there and it can be very painful. I am praying for I Will Be Mom and hoping there is good news. I am always thinking of and praying for all of the people who are still on their path towards parenthood. You are in my thoughts every day.

Go and vote for LJ so she can win a trip to Maui. All you have to do is go to her "worst boss" story and click on the red square in the corner to vote. You can vote once a day!

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Land of Hope and Glory

When you go to a graduation ceremony, you here the same march played. You can hum it right now, if you want. It's from a piece called Pomp and Circumstance and that particular march is called "Land of Hope and Glory". I thought about the title as I left the RE's office today, a happy "graduate".

The ultrasound was wonderful. As the technician stuck the wand in, I was laying down and couldn't see the screen. M burst out laughing. The baby was waving his/her arms around. I don't know if M expected that, but his laughter was a good sound to hear.

Everything measured well. The size is right on target, heart rate was good and the placenta is forming where it's supposed to be forming. The best part is, I get to stop taking the progesterone in one week!

While Dr. Fast examined me, she said that I needed to have my prolactin tested when I stopped breastfeeding because it may be the reason my progesterone was thrown off. Since they weren't able to complete the initial blood work, there is no way of knowing, until the next time, what was going on. I'm ok with that for now, I guess.

Anyway, I feel so relieved. I am going to call my parents tonight and let them know. When I spoke to my mom on Sunday she gave me a pep talk about how she just knew I was going to get pregnant soon. I almost told her then, but I just wanted to make sure everything was ok first. I don't think she'll be too mad when she finds out.

Go and give Oscar a big "Yay!!" Also, keep Sticky Bun in your thoughts as they deal with some very sad family news.

Friday, August 03, 2007

What a Headache!

I mean that literally. I have started getting wicked sinus headaches and have found out that there is really nothing you can take for them while you're pregnant. (At least nothing that works.) It has been raining every day for a month here in H.ouston and I can only imagine what the mold count is. That gets me every time. Usually, I would take my heavy duty medicine, but those days are over. I went home yesterday after being at work for only three hours and spent the rest of the day with a wet cloth on my face. It kept repeating t myself, this is all going to be worth it, this is all going to be worth it. It eventually let up later in the evening, but it was pretty rough there for a few hours.

Other than headaches, I am getting very excited about my ultrasound on Tuesday and can't wait! I hope everything is ok and that we have a good result and a smooth "graduation" to my regular OB/GYN, Dr. T. I have started to get more of an appetite, but I still can't eat meat. The thought of it is so unappetizing. I have been eating rice and beans non-stop so I can get some good protein, but that's getting kind of old.

I took out my belly button ring last night. I've had it for ten years now. We had a good run, but my pants are getting tight and it's starting to rub. I am almost ten weeks and my pants don't really fit. Is it too soon for that? Am I gaining too much weight? I have to go and get some new pants this weekend, but I don't know if I should go ahead and get maternity or just bigger pants. I guess these are good problems to have, right?

Congrats to H2H who had a good ultrasound! I am really thinking about everyone who is starting a new cycle or feeling discouraged. We are all wishing you a lot of love and I hope you can feel it.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

9 Weeks

I am very excited that the S.impsonize Me website is finally working! I am going to see the movie tonight and I am very excited. I have even changed my profile picture to a Simpsons Kate.

I am 9 weeks today which means only one more week until my next ultrasound! Woohoo! My appetite has come back a little bit, but the heartburn has gotten worse and I'm not sleeping well, at all. This past weekend I must have taken two naps a day to try to catch up. What is it about the sun going down that makes you feel yucky? That doesn't make any sense to me. Also, I have been waking up really sweaty. It's so gross. Is it the progesterone I'm taking? Has anyone else had this experience? I had a dream that I had just stepped out of the shower and when I woke up I was soaked!

I have started to really want to tell people my news. It's the first time I've felt like I want to tell anyone, but M really wants to wait until we tell our families in a few weeks. I know he is right, and I know that once we do tell everyone the advice will flow in like crazy. I will probably wish I had kept my mouth shut a while longer.

Congrats to Serenity, Sticky Bun and I Will Be Mom who got some great news this week! Also, go and give some love to JJ. She is always so positive and is the first one to offer words of encouragement to everyone. I hope we can send a little of that sunshine back to her.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Get a Grip

I am nothing but a big, neurotic mess. All of the yoga books I read, all of the deep breathing and "staying calm"? Not sinking in. Monday night was a pretty rough night. Tuesday I woke up feeling, well, pretty good. Wednesday I woke up feeling pretty good. The nausea wasn't as bad, my boobs were not as sore, although they have never been terribly sore, anyway. I freaked out. I was convinced that my symptoms had disappeared and that spelled doom. I called the nurse's line at my RE's office and left a message. Then I waited thirty torturous minutes for someone to call me back.

Your nausea has gone away?
Well, not completely, but it's much better.
Have you had any cramping?
Have you had any bleeding?
I think that maybe you're just lucky. Everyone is different.
Well, I keep feeling these sort of pinchy feelings and pulling.
That's your body changing. ( I know she wanted to add "you idiot" at the end of it)

I felt a little silly, but I needed some peace of mind. M tried to make me feel better by telling me stories about our friends who only had 3 days of morning sickness. Yeah, well, they also got pregnant the first month they threw away their birth control pills. My friend MW, who has been through all of this and then some, told me she was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was a never ending line of small milestones that kept her sane.

If I think about this logically, I know that everything is likely just fine. After all, my symptoms started almost right away, before I even took a test. I've already had three weeks of morning sickness. From what I remember my mother telling me, her morning sickness didn't last very long and wasn't very severe. It's just reassuring to feel like crap.

My pants are getting tight and I seem to be well on my way to having P.amela A.nderson's figure. Thank you for all of your heartburn suggestions. I have managed to get a handle on it, but I have to really watch what I eat. Also, the thought of eating meat makes me want to gag. I guess I should find comfort in that.

One bright spot this week was that the summer semester has ended! This class was so annoying. I thought it would be valuable and interesting, but it was just busy work. As an educator I am so annoyed by poor instruction. Grad school has been pretty frustrating. Even though I don't teach anymore, I will always think of myself as a teacher, and I will always want to walk up and take over a class when the professor clearly has no talent for communicating the material. Getting off of my soapbox now.

Courtney is beginning her IVF journey, which is very exciting! If you haven't already, head over to Sticky Bun and check out the great news!

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Another Week

I am managing to get a better handle on the fear and worry, although it won't go away completely. Today I am 8 weeks! Only 2 weeks ago I had an ultrasound, but it seems like it was months ago. Two weeks from today I get another one. It seems like it's an eternity away.

Heartburn has made an appearance in the last few days, mostly at night. I have always had an iron stomach, so this is new to me. I can take the discomfort, but not being able to sleep is what's really getting to me. I've done all of the usual things, like sleeping propped up, avoiding acidic/spicy foods, but it still comes around. Tums don't even touch it. Any remedies you may have are very welcome!

In the meantime, I am finished with the summer semester this week and I am so glad. The class, which I thought would be interesting, has really turned out to me a pain in the ass. I took it online to give me some more flexibility and to avoid driving on campus twice a week, but it is frustrating. I really resent paying grad school tuition for something that amounts to busy work. The end of the week can't come soon enough.

Congrats to Shelby! That is really great news. Life is going to get very exciting for you. :)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

It Never Ends

My heart hurts so much for those who have recently gotten news about miscarriages and possible problems with their babies. It also scares the absolute shit out of me. Just as the blog world seemed to have BFPs popping up everywhere, now I seem to notice every negative occurrence. I've started worrying about the heart rate and the next ultrasound. I've started having tornado dreams and even had a dream that I went to the restroom and there was blood in my underwear.

I know that these are anxiety dreams and that all indications from the ultrasound and my symptoms are that everything is fine, but the fear has come back. Time seems to be creeping by, and while I know there are no guarantees no matter where you are in a pregnancy, I would feel so much better if it were already week 12. My symptoms have become my mantra:

Sore Breasts
No Appetite
Acne Like a Teenager
Slightly Bigger Tummy

I am praying for Bumble and Vee and anyone else who is going through a hard time right now. I have been reminded that life and the creation of life is so fragile. It humbles me and my heart fills with hope that I will see my baby in 9 months.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Barren Bitches Book Tour-The Kid

I really enjoyed this book and the different tone it took from many of the other books on infertility that we are presented with, namely that it was mostly humorous and told from the perspective of a gay male couple. The author says in the chapter "Grieving Our Infertility" (page 25 in my book, but not sure if we all have the same printing) that "Heterosexual identity is all wrapped up in the ability of heterosexuals to make babies....Infertility did more than shatter their expectations; it undermined their sexual identities." If you're part of a heterosexual couple and in fertility treatment, did you feel the same way? Did you feel that you had lost your sexual identity once you started treatment, or had somehow "failed" as a partner in terms of what is expected of you as a woman?
I think that Dan Savage got right to the heart of the matter with that statement. However independent or liberated you may think you are, finding out that baby making isn't easy for you is something that goes right to the core of who you are. As a woman, I felt that I could earn an education, a good salary and a successful career. Having a child, though, that is something that is given to me and is mine. Finding out that isn't the case changes the way you think about everything - sex, your identity as a female, and your sexuality. Even now, as I make tentative steps into the realm of pregnancy, I feel that my view of myself as a mother is changed because of my experience.

Dan and Terry face opposition as a gay couple trying to adopt and are able to overcome that stigma with the help of an open-minded birth mother. In some international adoptions, their chances of adopting would have been slim to none due to their sexual orientation. How do you feel about the "rules" some countries have for parents looking to adopt from their country (Examples: sexual orientation, weight, age, mental health, marital status, or income)?
In the movie "parenthood" Keanu Reaves has a line that goes something like, "They make you take a test to get a driver's license, but any asshole can be a parent." Obviously this statement doesn't take into account IF, but I think you get my point. People who are able to have their own children have them, regardless of weight, income or mental status. I have to admit that after teaching in the inner city for 5 years and seeing some truly horrible examples of child abuse, I sometimes thought that maybe a parenting test would not be such a bad thing. (True or False A child is not an ashtray.) I can understand why a country or agency may want to screen perspective parents for things such as mental health issues, but I have never thought that a person's sexual orientation or income level should exclude them from being a parent. From a teacher's perspective, since I am not yet a parent, what kids need is love and security.

What would you have done if given only a few hours to decide whether or not to take someone like Melissa into your life in such a permanent way? Would you have avoided the situation altogether at the expense of becoming a parent or growing your family?
I don't think I would have avoided it, but it would make me pause. It's not only taking someone as a permanent part of your family, but her circumstances made the situation even more unique. In the end, I would like to think that I would say yes. There is no guarantee that any child will be perfect, whether you give birth or adopt, but it is all an amazing journey.

Friday, July 13, 2007

All Things Bright And Beautiful

*There is an ultrasound picture at the bottom of this post*

It was a good thing that my appointment yesterday was in the morning because I think I would have gone insane if I had to wait. As it was, the hour and a half that I spent at my desk in the was torture.

The ultrasound technician was very nice and gave M and I the "if we don't see a heartbeat it could be for these reasons" speech. Yeah, yeah - just stick that thing in me, will ya? A gestational sack appeared and so did a heartbeat! It was really amazing. I kept my eyes glued to the screen because I knew if I looked at M I would completely lose it. She took a bunch of pictures of the little blob and of my ovaries. The measurement was 5mm and the heart rate was 101. They also gave us a due date of March 4th. It was all good news. We were happy and overwhelmed at the same time.

While we waited for our pictures in the "consult room", the nurse came in to talk about my symptoms and gave me a lot of reading material. It dawned on me that I never got the results from my initial 7dpo blood work. I knew my progesterone was probably low, but I wanted more details. I discovered that I am not a c.ystic f.ibrosis carrier, that my thyroid was normal, but my prolactin was slightly elevated. My progesterone was only 9.2. This confirms ovulation, of course, but is well below the 15 that they like to see. It makes me amazed that the embryo made it through the first few days. Back in April, I really, really thought I was pregnant. I was only two days late, so I decided not to test. Then, of course, AF came. Knowing the progesterone results, it makes me wonder if I was, after all. For now, I feel happy, although still cautious. Every day that goes by is one day closer to March.

The morning sickness is kicking up a bit. I wake up regularly at 3am with an upset stomach and usually have to go and watch TV while I eat a little something. I feel sick and I love it! Since everything looked good, my next appointment will be in four weeks. How can I wait that long?! It's going to be hard. Thanks so very much for all of your thoughts and prayers. I am sending prayers right back at you, so keep them coming! Here is the ultrasound picture:

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

My Favorite Day Of The Week

Tuesday is my new favorite day of the week. Every Tuesday that goes by means another week of pregnancy. Today is the beginning of week six. I woke up at 3am feeling sick and with a wicked headache. Although I had to stay in bed until 9:30am and didn't get to work until noon, I say bring it on. Bring on the headaches, the puking, the weird food cravings, the sore boobs and the exhaustion. I want it all.

Thanks to everyone who commented on my "fear" post. I know it's something that we all confront on a daily basis. I have been trying to really get a handle on things, but when you're up in the middle of the night it's always hard not to let your imagination get carried away.

I was visiting my parents this weekend when I ran into CH at church. She is due this Saturday and looked very uncomfortable. I thought maybe it would be easier to see her now, but it wasn't. All of the insensitive and condescending things she said came back to me and I still felt hurt and resentful. I am gong to have to try to let all of that go. I don't think I will ever be able to make her understand how her platitudes made me feel and, quite frankly, I don't have the energy right now. Am I going to carry these feelings with me against everyone who gave me idiotic assvice or told me to "relax"? If so, I am going to waste a lot of time and energy.

Thursday is getting closer and closer and I keep going back and forth between worry and excitement. My friend MW who has traveled a very long and very hard IF road told M, you have to allow for the possibility that everything is fine. I'll just hang on to that thought and to my exhaustion and nausea and hope for the very, very best.

Friday, July 06, 2007


Fear is now my constant companion. It greets me in the morning if I wake up with breasts that aren't as sore as they were yesterday. It follows me to the bathroom a zillion times per day to make sure there isn't any more spotting. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there. That seems to make it worse.

In the latest issue of Y.oga J.ournal there is an article about fear. I thought about it last night and re-read it. It is an amazing piece. The author, a psychiatrist, talks about how she helps her patients embrace the fears that paralyze them from day to day. Through some meditative examination about what the fear actually is, her patients name the fear, dissect the fear and are able to make friends with it. I thought it all sounded like a load of crap at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right.

When I lived in Boston I had an upstairs neighbor that was a real piece of work. Everyone warned me about her as soon as I moved in. Any little noise would either send her to her front balcony to scream at me for being to noisy, or to the complex office to complain. One morning as I left for work, she came out on her balcony to yell at me for closing the door to loudly. I marched up the stairs and stuck out my hand. I introduced myself, apologized for any loud noise and told her that if she had a problem she could come down and politely discuss it with me. There were no more problems after that.

Maybe fear is just something I will have to live with. Just like that upstairs neighbor. I think I need to learn to embrace it, examine it, and try not to let it overwhelm me. It's not going to go away and (hopefully) when I give birth to a healthy baby, a whole new set of fears will set in.

I am still pretty tired, but not overwhelmingly so. After teaching for six years I think my idea of "tired" might be a little off. The waves of nausea have become a little more frequent, but still aren't too bad. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and I still have no appetite to speak of. (I had six pieces of bacon for lunch yesterday.) My first ultrasound isn't until Thursday, so I will try to distract myself from the worry and excitement.

I have a pdf version of the article about Fear and it really is very good. If you want a copy of it e-mail me and I will send it to you. You can also find it in the August issue of Y.oga J.ournal.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

More Numbers

So, the second set of numbers are back. My hcg was 1272 and my progesterone was 41. This means that my hcg has doubled every 48 hours, which is good....right? I go in next Thursday for my first ultrasound and I will see Dr. Fast again. I'm nervous about it. I just hope there's something in there.

I spoke with the nurse a little bit. Although I was not on any meds this cycle she said that I probably would have been on progesterone, given my low levels. So, I guess my suspicions were right. She called it "subfertility". Yeah, no kidding. I just hope it proves to be my only issue for the next nine months. I can't shake this feeling of wanting to be really happy, but feeling like I don't want to jinx it. I know M feels that way, as well.

I am going to go back to Yoga on Thursday and give it a try. There aren't too many restrictions during the first trimester. Just no inversions or twisting. I'm just afraid to move right now. I'll have to get over it soon, though, because my house is such a mess!

Happy 4th everyone!

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Just Exhale

I have been able to sigh with relief - for now. I got a call from the nurse today and she said, "Well, do you feel pregnant?" My hcg level was a perfectly respectable 300. My progesterone was 18, though, and they like to see at least a 20. This was before I started the suppositories, so hopefully that number will go up, up and away. I am scheduled for another blood draw first thing Tuesday morning to make sure my hcg is going up as it should. A few weeks after that, my first ultrasound. After 10 weeks I am turned back over to my regular OB/GYN. There has been no more spotting (knock on wood) and some stomach discomfort (not throwing up-the other thing) and pinchy twinges here and there. I am tired, but probably more from worrying than anything else. For now, I am just going to get through the weekend and make it through Tuesday. I'm not really thinking beyond that. When M and I were at the store this morning he noticed that they make S.noopy (he LOVES S.noopy) baby wipes. I told him to keep walking. Not going to go there, yet.

Thank you all so very, very much for your thoughts and prayers. They truly kept me sane. I am going to take advantage of my laziness and write some braces bunch cards this weekend!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Stop the Madness

Right before lunch I went to the restroom and there were two, dime-sized spots of light brown on my pantie liner. Total and complete panic ensued. All of a sudden I was thinking that my breasts weren't as sore as they were yesterday and my temp had gone down .8 degrees, blah, blah, blah. I turn to my arch nemesis Dr. Google who gives me answers that range from "don't worry" to "OH MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO DIE". I called the RE's nurse triage line.

I went in at 2:30 and came out with a little less blood and a prescription for some lovely vaginal suppositories. I went home to put them in the fridge and I took another pregnancy test just to make sure I didn't hallucinate the whole thing. I also sat down and did some deep breathing meditation for five minutes which helped. In less than twelve hours I went from gazing at a positive test to reading directions about how to stick progesterone popsicles up my va-jay-jay. Nice.

There has been not spotting since this morning. I know this because I go to the restroom to check every minute or so. Now, I can't tell if I'm having cramps or gas or both. Help me. Please.

So That's What It Looks Like

I have long held the belief that the best way to make AF start is to spend money on a box of pregnancy tests. Works every time, right? I looked at my calendar yesterday and realized that I was 15dpo. I've never made it past 11 dpo. Ever. My boobs hurt a little more than usual and I wanted to take a nap every afternoon. None of these things really added up for me, though. Imagine my surprise when a big fat + sign appeared on my test this morning! Holy SHIT.

I always imagined I would cry and run to M and we would embrace with music playing in the background. In reality it was 5:45am and he didn't want to turn on the light in the bedroom. I don't really care at this point, though. I kept looking at the plus sign and thought about all of the BFNs I have seen over the last 12 months.

I want to jump for joy, but the truth is I am worried and I feel sort of numb. I wasn't as careful as I normally am this cycle. I just didn't see how this month would be any different from every other month. I have my annual well woman exam on Monday, so I am just going to try to relax and enjoy this feeling now. I will definitely be taking pregnancy tests every morning this weekend. Just for some peace of mind.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


I gave what will no doubt be the first of many viles of blood this morning. As I was sitting in the waiting room a male co-worker walked in with his sample. He didn't see me and I have to admit that I hid my face a little bit. Besides the fact that I'm not "out" to anyone at work and barely any of my friends, I'm sure the last person he wants to see at 7:00am in the RE's office is his HR rep!

I will be getting on a plane today to go to Iowa. My dad's family is all there and I love going. It's a tiny town and we rent cabins next to the local lake. If M and I could find a way to make a living we would move there in a second. The best part is, there won't be a heat index of 105. Imagine that.

I love that so many people are playing the Google game. Some of the answers are really cracking me up! Everyone take care and I hope to see even more BFPs when I return!

Monday, June 18, 2007

What I Need

Besides a stiff drink, I need a distraction. I was reading around yesterday in blogland and I saw a fun game. You go to G.oogle and type in "your name needs". For instance, I would type "Kate needs". Then you write down the first ten entries that appear. I have to say, it was quite hilarious! are ALL tagged for this game. It's very quick and very fun. If you don't want to use your real name, you can put in your blog nickname and see what comes up. That might even be funnier.

Kate needs.....
1) Kate needs a shave (hey!)
2) Kate needs to sell her locket to get money (for IF treatments, right?)
3) Kate needs your help
4) Kate needs a macro system (?)
5) Kate needs a cocktail (ooooh yeah)
6) Kate needs a cold shower
7) Kate needs a new home
8) Kate needs to trust Angel
9) Kate needs her sleep
10) Kate needs a priest

Friday, June 15, 2007

Through The Looking Glass

Well, all of the anticipation is over and we now have a plan.....sort of.

The offices are brand new with nice shiney mahogany colored furniture. The waiting room was empty and M and I sat down and pretended to read the carefully selected, non-baby magazines they put out. After blood pressure and weight check, we were ushered into a small room with a round table and every brochure you could ever imagine. We talked about work, the weekend, anything we could think of. During a moment of silence in the conversation, John Mayer came over the music they pumped into the rooms.....

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to
The call your life's been issuing you
The rhythm of a line of idle days....

M looked at me for a moment.
"I never thought I would be sitting here. It seems surreal."

Dr. Fast came in and we got right down to business. She went through our histories, pointed out some things on a chart (mostly for M's benefit) and we started to formulate a plan. She agreed with my concerns about my shorter-than-most luteal phase and lower-than-normal temperatures. In the ultrasound room she told me I had more than likely just ovulated (I got a positive OPK that morning) and said that I had "beautiful uterine lining". I realized that my whole idea of a complement has shifted. I don't care of I look fat in these jeans, because I have a beautiful uterus!

"You two have homework tonight!" she said, smiling.

So, we went home and got right to work, so to say. I go in on Wednesday morning so they can draw blood to check my progesterone and my insulin levels. After that, it's another round of blood work for my cd3 tests and then another consult. I feel good about Dr. Fast and about having a plan. In fact, this is the best I've felt in a while. I hope this feeling lasts.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Disappointment, My Old Friend

Before I start with my little drama, I just want to send a big CONGRATULATIONS to H2H! It truly filled my heart with joy and hope to hear her good news. I am going to keep praying for you and your little one.

Well, the appointment never happened. I received a call that the doctor was running late, and then I got a call cancelling the appointment. Dr. Fast was called away for emergency surgery.

I was really pissed off at first. The emotional run up to this made it so hard to hear that I was going to have to wait even longer to get this process started. I should have gone back to work, but I just couldn't. I went home, laid down and got some perspective. I thought about the woman on the other end of my appointment who had the same dreams as I do and how she was having a much worse day than I was. The new patient coordinator called a few hours later and we are back on for Thursday afternoon.

In the mean time, there was good news in all of this. I was able to get my OB/GYNs office to fax M's test results to me at work. As far as I can tell from the information on the sheet and my obsessive Googling, he is fine. In fact, he gets an A+. I mean that literally - the bottom of the paper said "Sperm Quality: A+".

One factor eliminated and 10,000 more to go.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Hypochondria, anyone?

Well, I've been banned by my friend T the yoga health goddess from anymore Googling of medical conditions. Especially those related to infertility. As Tuesday approaches I have worked up a number of disastrous scenarios for my personal entertainment/torture.

1) The entirety of my insides are covered with endometriosis.

2) I am missing one ovary and the other one went on vacation and never came back.

3) Fallopian tubes tied in knots.

4) Elephantitis of the fallopian tubes.

All of these scenarios end with me traveling the country as a medical freak. Like the elephant man, but with crazy looking ovaries. I am not an animal!

You can see why I was banned. M went in for his end of things, so to speak, on Tuesday. I am assuming that we will get those results on the 12th. I think he's nervous, too, but all we can do is wait and see.

Thanks so much for all of your comments on my last post. It's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks to Cibele for the lovely card! Most of the US Braces Bunch should be getting their cookie recipe soon and the rest will go out this weekend.

There is a mission up so life will be slightly more hectic for the next few weeks. M will be in m.ission c.ontrol taking pictures and I will try to take the opportunity to do homework and catch up on cleaning and gardening.

Godspeed, Atlantis!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Are you there God? It's me, Kate.

It happened slowly, but I've stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscience decision. I haven't had a fight with God, we've just drifted apart. M and I were at a wedding a few weekends ago and while I should have been paying attention to the homily I started thinking about why I stopped going to mass.

I was not raised by religious parents but I was always taught that everyone deserves respect and dignity. The rest was a personal choice of spirituality. My brother and I were raised in the Unitarian church and were exposed to a variety of beliefs and viewpoints on religion. As I grew older I was able to confidently form a belief system.

When M and I got engaged I decided to become Catholic. It was a life changing experience for me because it was the first time I ever really examined my spiritual beliefs and needs. I don't agree with all that the Church puts forth, at least as far as some of their social policies are concerned. Short of starting my own religion , though, that is never going to happen no matter where I go. I try to focus on the core of the matter: acceptance, love and forgiveness.

Now that I am facing the biggest challenge of my life thus far, I turn to God and I don't know what to say.

Do I ask for a baby?
Do I ask "why me?"

I have never viewed God as a puppetmaster. That kind of thinking always seemed self-defeating to me. Spirituality and faith are supposed to lift you up, not make you feel like a pawn in some cosmic chess game.

Buddhists say that there is worth in the journey itself. I think that this is the best attitude for me right now. I will make the trip and learn what I can along the way. I will forgive myself for the days when I am resentful and full of despair, because I am much harder on myself than God would ever be.

As I looked at the crucifix that hung on the wall behind the bride and groom the sorrowful eyes of Jesus stared back at me. I didn't ask for a miracle or a quick fix. Maybe because I was afraid of what the answer might be. I believe in purpose and I believe that there is a purpose to this. I want to reach out towards my spiritual life again. I want to rekindle the relationship that gave me so much comfort and fulfillment in the past.

Midwesterners like to say, It is what it is. Is it Zen or just practical? Maybe both, but it rings true to me. I just want to learn, to grow, and reconnect with who I am - a soul on a journey with a clear goal, but without a clear destination.