Fear is now my constant companion. It greets me in the morning if I wake up with breasts that aren't as sore as they were yesterday. It follows me to the bathroom a zillion times per day to make sure there isn't any more spotting. I try to ignore it and pretend it isn't there. That seems to make it worse.
In the latest issue of Y.oga J.ournal there is an article about fear. I thought about it last night and re-read it. It is an amazing piece. The author, a psychiatrist, talks about how she helps her patients embrace the fears that paralyze them from day to day. Through some meditative examination about what the fear actually is, her patients name the fear, dissect the fear and are able to make friends with it. I thought it all sounded like a load of crap at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right.
When I lived in Boston I had an upstairs neighbor that was a real piece of work. Everyone warned me about her as soon as I moved in. Any little noise would either send her to her front balcony to scream at me for being to noisy, or to the complex office to complain. One morning as I left for work, she came out on her balcony to yell at me for closing the door to loudly. I marched up the stairs and stuck out my hand. I introduced myself, apologized for any loud noise and told her that if she had a problem she could come down and politely discuss it with me. There were no more problems after that.
Maybe fear is just something I will have to live with. Just like that upstairs neighbor. I think I need to learn to embrace it, examine it, and try not to let it overwhelm me. It's not going to go away and (hopefully) when I give birth to a healthy baby, a whole new set of fears will set in.
I am still pretty tired, but not overwhelmingly so. After teaching for six years I think my idea of "tired" might be a little off. The waves of nausea have become a little more frequent, but still aren't too bad. I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and I still have no appetite to speak of. (I had six pieces of bacon for lunch yesterday.) My first ultrasound isn't until Thursday, so I will try to distract myself from the worry and excitement.
I have a pdf version of the article about Fear and it really is very good. If you want a copy of it e-mail me and I will send it to you. You can also find it in the August issue of Y.oga J.ournal.
7 years ago