Thursday, December 20, 2007

Auld Lang Syne

I think that every single one of us could write a book of all of the insensitive, ignorant, and hurtful things that people have said to us about getting pregnant. Even with my limited experience, I can think of some real doozies. Last year at this time I was miserable. We had been trying since June, my cycle was just normalizing after being off the pill for six months and I had no idea what I should do. Then, my oldest and dearest friend - the one who said she would never have kids - got pregnant. It wasn't planned, but she and her husband were, of course, very happy. I had not told her about any of our struggles so when her news hit me like a punch in the gut, I pretty much kept it to myself. When I went home at Christmas I saw her and tried to tell her what I was feeling. Her reply was......less than ideal. It hurt like hell, actually. I wrote about it here. I walked away from that conversation thinking that I didn't know the friend who had been there for me since 6th grade. I tried to stay in minimal contact throughout her pregnancy. I sent her a shower gift, I e-mailed her to ask how she was, but I really didn't see her at all. Time went on and I just decided that I had to forgive her or let it eat me alive.

One year later, things are different. Obviously, my condition has changed and she now has a baby. We have spoken and I see her sometimes when I go home. I e-mailed her recently and asked her if she would be at my parents annual Christmas Eve brunch. The e-mail she wrote back floored me. For one year she has been feeling bad about what she said to me last Christmas. This part really got to me,

I said hurtful things and I don't know how I could say them. I love you and cannot understand how I could be such a jerk. I promise that I didn't mean to be hurtful. I know that just because you're pregnant now doesn't erase the pain you felt during that
time and every word I said to you could've been words of support. I am
so sorry.

For a moment I panicked - did she find my blog? Only two real life people know about it and she isn't one of them. Then, I thought, isn't that what I wanted to hear? Isn't that what I hoped she would say? Yes, at first. Now, I realize that I really had forgiven her. I didn't need that apology, although I appreciated it very much. What I want more than that is her friendship. I admit that being pregnant now makes it easier and I don't know if I could be as forgiving if I was still in the trenches, but I would like to think that all of the reading and yoga I've done has had some influence on me. So, there you go. Christmas is a time of reflection and I have been reminded that while letting go of hurt is really hard, it helps make your load a little lighter.

Speaking of lighter, some friends and I have started a cooking blog. We get together almost every Sunday and come up with things to make for dinner. Sometimes things get a little complicated and we try to cook above our level, but it always turns out tasting pretty good. It's sort of a blog for people who want to be gourmets, but, like us, lack the skill and motivation. Check it out if you have the time.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday full of love and comfort, no matter where you may be in your journey.

Here's a virtual toast for the New Year: May we all remember our many blessings and may all of our wishes come true!

Thank you, Secret Santa! I love the gift!


Anonymous said...

I am glad to hear your friend realized the error of her ways! That is really good to hear especially when you go through something that is so hard like "infertlity." I have cut a lot of people out of my life because of there (insensitive)behavior and have no regrets.

Hope you have a Merry Christmas!!!

Fertilize Me said...

Well, I am glad and surprised that your friend has come around and actually felt guilt! What a geniune email! Have a great and merry christmas .. I am going to totally check out your cooking blog- maybe it will inspire me. I am more a baker than a cook.

Diana said...

What a wonderful gift, an apology. I think that is a true friend.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm more of a cooker than a baker so I'll be checking it out too.

Glad you liked it :) Did you like the French connection? ;)

Happy holidays and great new year to you.

elle said...

I hope her gift to you of the apology kicks off a new closeness in your friendship for the new year. Happy holidays!

Cibele said...

Sometimes we say hurtful things and we don’t even realize how bad they are. I am glad that you friend apologized and you have a forgiving heart. I also was not in a happy place last year and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to experience this happiness.
Happy Holidays to you to!
It has been a pleasure to get to know you during this year