Sunday, April 15, 2007

Pity, Party of One

The worst part of having these feelings is the guilt. My friend MP is one of the kindest people I know. She and her husband are true friends and will make wonderful parents. Every child should be so lucky as to have parents like them. That is why I am overcome with guilt when I find myself avoiding MP. It's just too hard. She started trying to get pregnant a few months after we did and, of course, she got pregnant on her first try. No problem.

Why would I volunteer to host her baby shower? In my defense, I volunteered six months ago and I never thought I would be in this situation. I was sure that I would be at the shower with a bump of my very own. Of course, I do have a slight bump, but it's fat. Not exactly what I had in mind.

I stayed up until 12:30am Friday night making cookies, chocolate covered pretzels, and chopping veggies. I put custom colored jelly beans into tiny little favor boxes and tied them with ribbons I picked out to match the nursery colors.

I put on a new dress, plastered on a smile, and did the best I could. T kept shooting me nervous glances the whole day. I don't know if she was afraid I would cry, get drunk and cry, or just grab the jogging stroller with the iPod docking station and make a run for it. I made it though, and I decided that it was my last baby shower. I'm all for punishing myself, but even I have my limits.

The worst part is, I know that MP could sense my discomfort. There is nothing worse than that look of pity. Nothing. I know it only hurts because I am jealous and miserable. I deserve her pity.

M and I made our way home and he held my hand and rubbed my back while we watched Will Ferrell on SNL re-runs. I thought about how the shower probably turned into a full blown party. I wondered how big of a jerk MP and T thought I was for being such a wimp.

I woke up this morning and the air was dry and the sun was out. I have five tomatoes already on the vine. Another two week wait is coming up, so let's hope I can grow more than just tomatoes.

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