Friday, June 20, 2008

cd1

After over a year of blissful freedom from everyone's favorite Auntie, mine returned with a vengeance this week. She came complete with stomach upset and acne. Thanks and welcome back. I have to say that it really surprised me. I really thought, given my history, that there would be nothing until I stopped breastfeeding. Now the second question is, am I going to ovulate? I dug out my CBFM, blew the dust off and fired it up.


It happens sometimes that God or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) starts sending me little signs all of a sudden. One day it was an e-mail from a friend with a link to The Campaign for Love and Forgiveness which brought me to an Online Ritual for Letting Go. It is very cool and I put the link on my side menu if you would like to check it out. I opened up my latest issue of Yoga Journal and there was a wonderful article about forgiveness. I was clearly needing to forgive someone, but who? I haven't had any major emotional trauma recently. The it dawned on me: it was me. About a million times per day I sit at my desk and think about whether I should even be at work. Is Luke ok? Have we damaged him somehow by putting him into daycare so early? At the same time, I think about how I would feel trapped if I stayed at home. I think about how I might resent giving up my career. All of these thoughts swirl around me in a cloud of guilt until I take a deep breath and push them aside, although never completely away. Perhaps the person I needed to forgive was my own inner critic. The person who tries to be perfect and tries to be everything to everyone. I know that no one can live up to that, but I was never able to let that idea go.




The article in Yoga Journal said that "forgiveness is a gift to yourself". I think that it is also a process of realization that "having it all" is really just having what you need and giving your loved ones what they need, too. That's something I will be thinking about a lot in the future.



Now that I think about it, I do have everything I need. All 17 pounds of him.

18 comments:

Mel said...

Oh so cute!!!!! =)

seussgirl said...

too cute! findig balance in life is hard no matter what stage we're in, isn't?
Can af still be highly irregular while b/feeding? It is nice to not miss her while she's gone...

Chris said...

Go easy on yourself, mama. Your kiddo is happy, healthy and obviously thriving. He's a cutie!

Leah said...

He is ADORABLE!!! Sorry about AF's return, she sucks.

Michelle said...

darling, darling photo! And try to ignore the pangs of guilt...it sounds like you've got a good thing going :)

DC said...

He is too stinkin' cute!! :)

Fertilized said...

Sounds like you are learning hte ways. I will follow your lead. He is scrumptious

Somewhat Ordinary said...

He is adorable!! I love that site as well-bookmarked it because I think it could be very useful. Thanks for sharing!

Nearlydawn said...

Luke is just a DOLL! I'm so jealous of that great hat he's got! :)

Give yourself a break, for sure. Luke is happy, healthy, and probably having an outright ball. He's probably also learning way faster too. Having examples of "how to do it" makes all of his learning easier, by far.

Kim said...

He is so cute! And a big boy! My 13 month old is only about 20lbs! lol nclm

Amy said...

Luke's so adorable! Love the hat!

butterflyanla said...

so cute. He looks like a little doll.

Alison said...

Oh my gosh, he is the cutest thing!

La La said...

Awww, look at how adorable he is!

Queenie. . . said...

I just love those little seats. Babies look so cute in them.

Women have left their babies with other women for centuries, and the stay-at-home mom of the 1950's ignored her kids even though she was with them all day. Ditch the guilt, and enjoy the time you DO have with your babe.

Busted said...

Adorable!

Emily said...

What a beautiful site - I really needed to find that and will link to it on my blog too - thank you!

Star said...

I had to comment here because we bought my son the same hat and the matching swim trunks! And I also just got AF back, and I wonder if day care is damaging DS. About that last, I think the answer is no. Even if it would be ideal for him to spend all day every day with one or both of his parents (not a foregone conclusion), a good day care situation has its own advantages. Keep up the forgiveness.