After over a year of blissful freedom from everyone's favorite Auntie, mine returned with a vengeance this week. She came complete with stomach upset and acne. Thanks and welcome back. I have to say that it really surprised me. I really thought, given my history, that there would be nothing until I stopped breastfeeding. Now the second question is, am I going to ovulate? I dug out my CBFM, blew the dust off and fired it up.
It happens sometimes that God or the Universe (whatever you want to call it) starts sending me little signs all of a sudden. One day it was an e-mail from a friend with a link to The Campaign for Love and Forgiveness which brought me to an Online Ritual for Letting Go. It is very cool and I put the link on my side menu if you would like to check it out. I opened up my latest issue of Yoga Journal and there was a wonderful article about forgiveness. I was clearly needing to forgive someone, but who? I haven't had any major emotional trauma recently. The it dawned on me: it was me. About a million times per day I sit at my desk and think about whether I should even be at work. Is Luke ok? Have we damaged him somehow by putting him into daycare so early? At the same time, I think about how I would feel trapped if I stayed at home. I think about how I might resent giving up my career. All of these thoughts swirl around me in a cloud of guilt until I take a deep breath and push them aside, although never completely away. Perhaps the person I needed to forgive was my own inner critic. The person who tries to be perfect and tries to be everything to everyone. I know that no one can live up to that, but I was never able to let that idea go.
The article in Yoga Journal said that "forgiveness is a gift to yourself". I think that it is also a process of realization that "having it all" is really just having what you need and giving your loved ones what they need, too. That's something I will be thinking about a lot in the future.
Now that I think about it, I do have everything I need. All 17 pounds of him.
7 years ago