In the Beginning.....

JJ asked everyone to share their blog's birth story and I thought it was a good idea! I had to think for a moment about what made me start this one. I know that I was Googling furiously one day about why my period was out of whack after stopping birth control. Mine had gone missing shortly after stopping the pill and I was having 42 day cycles. I came across Uterine Wars and I couldn't stop reading. Soper tells her story of tests, miscarriages and finally a decision to adopt a little girl from Kazakhstan. I'm not doing it justice because she writes about things that touch you so deeply and still manages to make you laugh out loud. I never really thought about adoption or my feelings about adoption and what it means for the parents involved as well as the child. It was very educational and I am so glad I found it. She will probably never see this, but thank you. You don't know how much you helped me. I also found Julie's blog around the same time and was equally touched by her honesty. Through Julie's big list I was able to find many of the blogs I read on a daily basis and the people that I now consider friends. I realized that my feelings did not own me when I was able to write them down and that I could do it in a safe environment by hiding in plain sight in the vastness of cyberspace. To this day only my husband and one good friend know about my blog and I will probably keep it that way.

I also want to take this opportunity to thank everyone who writes. I often feel like an outsider since I got pregnant before many of my questions were answered. I haven't been through half of what some of the bloggers have been through, but even tasting a little bit of that pain has made me admire the perseverance and honesty that so many people display through their writing. If I had gotten pregnant right away I would probably be one of the jerks that you write about, but I feel like I have been saved from jerkdom and humbled by your kindness and openness. Things that I might have taken for granted will never be viewed with anything but wonderment and gratitude. Thank you all for that gift.

Red Pills and Sugar Drinks

Well, I survived my glucose screening. Everyone made it sound like it was going to be the most horrible thing in the world. Another episode of "Mommy Hazing", to steal a phrase. It wasn't that bad. The drink tastes like that cheap punch they serve in school. The good news is, I passed and my blood sugar was in normal range. I am, however, a little anemic. I don't feel that way, but, as I have said before, being a teacher will completely throw off your judgement of exhaustion. I have to take a huge, red horse pill every other day. They gave a laundry list of horrible things that the pills might do to you, including constipation, but so far I haven't noticed anything. Knock on wood.

Saturday, I made dinner for a few friends and we hung out and played with the kids (twin girls, age one and a 2.5 year old boy). M decided to go and watch movies at our friend D's house. I met them there afterwards with part of a pie that I made and they were both completely and totally drunk. I mean plastered. Since we have met I have only seen M like that maybe two other times. I had to laugh because they were pretty funny.

If you go over to Baby Moxie you will see some wonderful news! I am so very happy for her! Also, go and visit Lara who is in the middle of a wait after a transfer.

For those of you that celebrate Thanksgiving I hope everyone has a healthy and happy one!

I Want Candy?

I was not really allowed to watch TV as a child. At the time, of course, it was pure torture, but I appreciate it now. I probably wouldn't have read all of the wonderful books that I did if we were allowed to watch an unlimited amount of TV. Now, however, i find that it is quite easy to just sit on the couch all night and just turn off my mind. It doesn't help that we just got new cable service that came with a DVR. I love this thing. Also, we now have BBC America. I love BBC. Those of you "across the pond" just don't realize how much better your programming is, overall. I do think that my love of British TV is starting to affect my dreams.

Last night I dreamed that the characters from The O.ffice (American) and I were in a band and were entering a Battle of the Bands type competition. I don't remember what song we were supposed to sing, but the band before us sang the same song, so at the last minute we sang the 80's hit, I Want Candy. (Don't ask me why. I haven't heard that song in ages. Maybe I really did just want candy.) So, we did, and while we didn't win the competition, all of the other bands came up and congratulated us. All of the really cute musicians with English accents kept telling me, "you were fantastic", etc... It was actually really nice.

Last night at dinner I was telling M that as the due date approaches I don't really feel ready. I don't feel different than I did when I was 16. Maybe this dream was a throwback to my memories of being in a punk band in college, which was really fun. Perhaps the praise was a way for my subconscious to give my conscience the reassurance that, in fact, I am not the big blob I feel like. Or, maybe I watch too much freaking TV.

Please go over to Baby Moxie and give her some good thoughts as she waits after her 2nd IVF. I am sending many, many good thoughts her way! Also, go and congratulate Fertilize Me on a great ultrasound!

You Don't Say...

Ok, this is just weird.

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing. You bring security and harmony to many. At times, you are also a very sensual person. You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire. Your fortune: You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life. It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you. It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be. You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

Acceptance

While I was in jury duty hell yesterday, I had time to think about all of my parenting issues. After reading a really great article in Y.oga J.ournal about taming your inner control freak, I realized that I was trying to control the situation. When you try to control the situation, the situation always ends up controlling you. So, I realized that I somehow have to balance my legitimate concern about my parents health and well-being and my need to make them people that they aren't. Am I really willing to spend all of that energy trying to change someone who is unwilling to do so? No, I'm not. I know I have spoken about this book before, but it is so good. It has really helped me gain a lot of perspective in my life. One thing it talked about was acceptance and its "shadow" emotion - resentment. That is so true for this situation. It's because I can't accept the situation that I am trying to control it. If I feel uncomfortable with the way my parents behave, then I won't be a part of it. I have decided to give myself permission to do that. They know how I feel, so there is really nothing more that needs to be said.

Thanks to all of you who commented and left all of the compliments! I admit, I have been feeling pretty unattractive lately and I keep reminding myself that it is all worth it and it's temporary. It's still hard sometimes, though, so thanks! It really cheered me up!

Who's the Child?

The Halloween party was a lot of fun and I have included a picture of M and I. Please notice the 80's glasses on M (he actually wore those in the 80s) and the cigarettes in my sleeve. It was a good party and I'm really glad we went!

LJ wrote a post this week that touched upon the way we sometimes feel like the parents of our parents. I have been going through this a lot lately. My parents have always been sort of unusual. They are self-proclaimed "old hippies" with liberal political views and lots of animals in the house. That part never bothered me before, but now that I think about bringing my child there, I feel differently. The house is so cluttered and full of, well, crap that they don't need. I want to scream.

My mother suffered from an eating disorder and depression for most of my childhood and although she now gets help and is definitely not the woman who raised me, our relationship has never recovered. We are not best friends. I don't call her when I've had a bad day or when M and I have a fight. Every time I do confide in her, she so desperately wants to make up for the crappy parent she used to be, I just end up feeling like I'm being treated like a child. I have made my peace with that, but she has not. She is the kind of person that will plough ahead and do what she set out to do regardless of the wishes of the people her actions impact the most. From the moment M and I got married, all she could talk about was grandkids. Now, she is finally getting what she has wanted for so long, yet she remains uninterested in cleaning the house or being more vigilant about her health. It worries me so much and nothing that I express to her gets through. I end up trying to clean the house every time I go over there, but I know that it will simply go back to the way it was. My dad? He just doesn't seem to get it either. I know I need to let this go, and I would if it were just me. Now, though, I just think that I don't want to bring my baby over there. My brother and I have both tried talking to them, but it just isn't getting through. Am I going to have to use my child as a threat? If anyone else has gone through this or something similar to this, I would really appreciate some comments. It's on my mind all of the time and I really don't know what to do.