Just Exhale

I have been able to sigh with relief - for now. I got a call from the nurse today and she said, "Well, do you feel pregnant?" My hcg level was a perfectly respectable 300. My progesterone was 18, though, and they like to see at least a 20. This was before I started the suppositories, so hopefully that number will go up, up and away. I am scheduled for another blood draw first thing Tuesday morning to make sure my hcg is going up as it should. A few weeks after that, my first ultrasound. After 10 weeks I am turned back over to my regular OB/GYN. There has been no more spotting (knock on wood) and some stomach discomfort (not throwing up-the other thing) and pinchy twinges here and there. I am tired, but probably more from worrying than anything else. For now, I am just going to get through the weekend and make it through Tuesday. I'm not really thinking beyond that. When M and I were at the store this morning he noticed that they make S.noopy (he LOVES S.noopy) baby wipes. I told him to keep walking. Not going to go there, yet.

Thank you all so very, very much for your thoughts and prayers. They truly kept me sane. I am going to take advantage of my laziness and write some braces bunch cards this weekend!

Stop the Madness

Right before lunch I went to the restroom and there were two, dime-sized spots of light brown on my pantie liner. Total and complete panic ensued. All of a sudden I was thinking that my breasts weren't as sore as they were yesterday and my temp had gone down .8 degrees, blah, blah, blah. I turn to my arch nemesis Dr. Google who gives me answers that range from "don't worry" to "OH MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO DIE". I called the RE's nurse triage line.

I went in at 2:30 and came out with a little less blood and a prescription for some lovely vaginal suppositories. I went home to put them in the fridge and I took another pregnancy test just to make sure I didn't hallucinate the whole thing. I also sat down and did some deep breathing meditation for five minutes which helped. In less than twelve hours I went from gazing at a positive test to reading directions about how to stick progesterone popsicles up my va-jay-jay. Nice.

There has been not spotting since this morning. I know this because I go to the restroom to check every minute or so. Now, I can't tell if I'm having cramps or gas or both. Help me. Please.

So That's What It Looks Like

I have long held the belief that the best way to make AF start is to spend money on a box of pregnancy tests. Works every time, right? I looked at my calendar yesterday and realized that I was 15dpo. I've never made it past 11 dpo. Ever. My boobs hurt a little more than usual and I wanted to take a nap every afternoon. None of these things really added up for me, though. Imagine my surprise when a big fat + sign appeared on my test this morning! Holy SHIT.

I always imagined I would cry and run to M and we would embrace with music playing in the background. In reality it was 5:45am and he didn't want to turn on the light in the bedroom. I don't really care at this point, though. I kept looking at the plus sign and thought about all of the BFNs I have seen over the last 12 months.

I want to jump for joy, but the truth is I am worried and I feel sort of numb. I wasn't as careful as I normally am this cycle. I just didn't see how this month would be any different from every other month. I have my annual well woman exam on Monday, so I am just going to try to relax and enjoy this feeling now. I will definitely be taking pregnancy tests every morning this weekend. Just for some peace of mind.

V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N

I gave what will no doubt be the first of many viles of blood this morning. As I was sitting in the waiting room a male co-worker walked in with his sample. He didn't see me and I have to admit that I hid my face a little bit. Besides the fact that I'm not "out" to anyone at work and barely any of my friends, I'm sure the last person he wants to see at 7:00am in the RE's office is his HR rep!

I will be getting on a plane today to go to Iowa. My dad's family is all there and I love going. It's a tiny town and we rent cabins next to the local lake. If M and I could find a way to make a living we would move there in a second. The best part is, there won't be a heat index of 105. Imagine that.

I love that so many people are playing the Google game. Some of the answers are really cracking me up! Everyone take care and I hope to see even more BFPs when I return!

What I Need

Besides a stiff drink, I need a distraction. I was reading around yesterday in blogland and I saw a fun game. You go to G.oogle and type in "your name needs". For instance, I would type "Kate needs". Then you write down the first ten entries that appear. I have to say, it was quite hilarious!

So....you are ALL tagged for this game. It's very quick and very fun. If you don't want to use your real name, you can put in your blog nickname and see what comes up. That might even be funnier.

Kate needs.....
1) Kate needs a shave (hey!)
2) Kate needs to sell her locket to get money (for IF treatments, right?)
3) Kate needs your help
4) Kate needs a macro system (?)
5) Kate needs a cocktail (ooooh yeah)
6) Kate needs a cold shower
7) Kate needs a new home
8) Kate needs to trust Angel
9) Kate needs her sleep
10) Kate needs a priest

Through The Looking Glass

Well, all of the anticipation is over and we now have a plan.....sort of.

The offices are brand new with nice shiney mahogany colored furniture. The waiting room was empty and M and I sat down and pretended to read the carefully selected, non-baby magazines they put out. After blood pressure and weight check, we were ushered into a small room with a round table and every brochure you could ever imagine. We talked about work, the weekend, anything we could think of. During a moment of silence in the conversation, John Mayer came over the music they pumped into the rooms.....

Check your pulse it's proof that you're not listening to

The call your life's been issuing you

The rhythm of a line of idle days....

M looked at me for a moment.

"I never thought I would be sitting here. It seems surreal."

Dr. Fast came in and we got right down to business. She went through our histories, pointed out some things on a chart (mostly for M's benefit) and we started to formulate a plan. She agreed with my concerns about my shorter-than-most luteal phase and lower-than-normal temperatures. In the ultrasound room she told me I had more than likely just ovulated (I got a positive OPK that morning) and said that I had "beautiful uterine lining". I realized that my whole idea of a complement has shifted. I don't care of I look fat in these jeans, because I have a beautiful uterus!

"You two have homework tonight!" she said, smiling.

So, we went home and got right to work, so to say. I go in on Wednesday morning so they can draw blood to check my progesterone and my insulin levels. After that, it's another round of blood work for my cd3 tests and then another consult. I feel good about Dr. Fast and about having a plan. In fact, this is the best I've felt in a while. I hope this feeling lasts.

Disappointment, My Old Friend

Before I start with my little drama, I just want to send a big CONGRATULATIONS to H2H! It truly filled my heart with joy and hope to hear her good news. I am going to keep praying for you and your little one.

Well, the appointment never happened. I received a call that the doctor was running late, and then I got a call cancelling the appointment. Dr. Fast was called away for emergency surgery.

I was really pissed off at first. The emotional run up to this made it so hard to hear that I was going to have to wait even longer to get this process started. I should have gone back to work, but I just couldn't. I went home, laid down and got some perspective. I thought about the woman on the other end of my appointment who had the same dreams as I do and how she was having a much worse day than I was. The new patient coordinator called a few hours later and we are back on for Thursday afternoon.

In the mean time, there was good news in all of this. I was able to get my OB/GYNs office to fax M's test results to me at work. As far as I can tell from the information on the sheet and my obsessive Googling, he is fine. In fact, he gets an A+. I mean that literally - the bottom of the paper said "Sperm Quality: A+".

One factor eliminated and 10,000 more to go.

Hypochondria, anyone?

Well, I've been banned by my friend T the yoga health goddess from anymore Googling of medical conditions. Especially those related to infertility. As Tuesday approaches I have worked up a number of disastrous scenarios for my personal entertainment/torture.



1) The entirety of my insides are covered with endometriosis.



2) I am missing one ovary and the other one went on vacation and never came back.



3) Fallopian tubes tied in knots.



4) Elephantitis of the fallopian tubes.



All of these scenarios end with me traveling the country as a medical freak. Like the elephant man, but with crazy looking ovaries. I am not an animal!



You can see why I was banned. M went in for his end of things, so to speak, on Tuesday. I am assuming that we will get those results on the 12th. I think he's nervous, too, but all we can do is wait and see.



Thanks so much for all of your comments on my last post. It's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks to Cibele for the lovely card! Most of the US Braces Bunch should be getting their cookie recipe soon and the rest will go out this weekend.



There is a mission up so life will be slightly more hectic for the next few weeks. M will be in m.ission c.ontrol taking pictures and I will try to take the opportunity to do homework and catch up on cleaning and gardening.

Godspeed, Atlantis!

Are you there God? It's me, Kate.

It happened slowly, but I've stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscience decision. I haven't had a fight with God, we've just drifted apart. M and I were at a wedding a few weekends ago and while I should have been paying attention to the homily I started thinking about why I stopped going to mass.

I was not raised by religious parents but I was always taught that everyone deserves respect and dignity. The rest was a personal choice of spirituality. My brother and I were raised in the Unitarian church and were exposed to a variety of beliefs and viewpoints on religion. As I grew older I was able to confidently form a belief system.

When M and I got engaged I decided to become Catholic. It was a life changing experience for me because it was the first time I ever really examined my spiritual beliefs and needs. I don't agree with all that the Church puts forth, at least as far as some of their social policies are concerned. Short of starting my own religion , though, that is never going to happen no matter where I go. I try to focus on the core of the matter: acceptance, love and forgiveness.

Now that I am facing the biggest challenge of my life thus far, I turn to God and I don't know what to say.

Do I ask for a baby?
Do I ask "why me?"

I have never viewed God as a puppetmaster. That kind of thinking always seemed self-defeating to me. Spirituality and faith are supposed to lift you up, not make you feel like a pawn in some cosmic chess game.

Buddhists say that there is worth in the journey itself. I think that this is the best attitude for me right now. I will make the trip and learn what I can along the way. I will forgive myself for the days when I am resentful and full of despair, because I am much harder on myself than God would ever be.

As I looked at the crucifix that hung on the wall behind the bride and groom the sorrowful eyes of Jesus stared back at me. I didn't ask for a miracle or a quick fix. Maybe because I was afraid of what the answer might be. I believe in purpose and I believe that there is a purpose to this. I want to reach out towards my spiritual life again. I want to rekindle the relationship that gave me so much comfort and fulfillment in the past.

Midwesterners like to say, It is what it is. Is it Zen or just practical? Maybe both, but it rings true to me. I just want to learn, to grow, and reconnect with who I am - a soul on a journey with a clear goal, but without a clear destination.

Picture Pages, Part II

M and took an unexpected trip to my parents house this weekend to pick up some photos that we left at the house after the Rita evacuation. It ended up being a very nice Saturday. We walked around the small town and had dinner at one of the few restaurant/bars on Main Street.

As requested, here is a portrait of M and I......

I am the tall and elegant T.exas M.artini on the right and M is the cool and refreshing mojito! Ha!

JJ wanted to know where I would take someone who came to visit. Well, I guess the obvious answer is the space center.

This is a picture that M took a few years ago that I have always liked. The streak at the top is the s.pace s.huttle making a rare, night time re-entry over H.ouston. The rocket is actually now enclosed in a building and being restored.

Maybe Baby very kindly complemented my photos, but I must confess that M always does a little color correction when I ask him to get photos from my camera to my e-mail. So, I cannot take credit, but I will pass on the compliment. I have enjoyed seeing everyone's pictures. It's funny how we share such intimate details of our lives with each other and yet know so little about the day to day occurrences that make up the bulk of life.

M goes in for his end of the lab work tomorrow and then I begin the countdown to our first visit with the RE. In the mean time, though, with school back in session and launch this Friday there should be plenty of distractions!