Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Are you there God? It's me, Kate.

It happened slowly, but I've stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscience decision. I haven't had a fight with God, we've just drifted apart. M and I were at a wedding a few weekends ago and while I should have been paying attention to the homily I started thinking about why I stopped going to mass.

I was not raised by religious parents but I was always taught that everyone deserves respect and dignity. The rest was a personal choice of spirituality. My brother and I were raised in the Unitarian church and were exposed to a variety of beliefs and viewpoints on religion. As I grew older I was able to confidently form a belief system.

When M and I got engaged I decided to become Catholic. It was a life changing experience for me because it was the first time I ever really examined my spiritual beliefs and needs. I don't agree with all that the Church puts forth, at least as far as some of their social policies are concerned. Short of starting my own religion , though, that is never going to happen no matter where I go. I try to focus on the core of the matter: acceptance, love and forgiveness.

Now that I am facing the biggest challenge of my life thus far, I turn to God and I don't know what to say.

Do I ask for a baby?
Do I ask "why me?"

I have never viewed God as a puppetmaster. That kind of thinking always seemed self-defeating to me. Spirituality and faith are supposed to lift you up, not make you feel like a pawn in some cosmic chess game.

Buddhists say that there is worth in the journey itself. I think that this is the best attitude for me right now. I will make the trip and learn what I can along the way. I will forgive myself for the days when I am resentful and full of despair, because I am much harder on myself than God would ever be.

As I looked at the crucifix that hung on the wall behind the bride and groom the sorrowful eyes of Jesus stared back at me. I didn't ask for a miracle or a quick fix. Maybe because I was afraid of what the answer might be. I believe in purpose and I believe that there is a purpose to this. I want to reach out towards my spiritual life again. I want to rekindle the relationship that gave me so much comfort and fulfillment in the past.

Midwesterners like to say, It is what it is. Is it Zen or just practical? Maybe both, but it rings true to me. I just want to learn, to grow, and reconnect with who I am - a soul on a journey with a clear goal, but without a clear destination.


Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

Most of my family take the "puppetmaster" view of God. And I really struggle with this. Why is he singling certain people out for infertility, and yet other people who SHOULD NOT have children seem to ooze fertility? My only way of rationalizing this is that he is not a puppetmaster. But then why pray? I defintely think there is a power in the positivity of prayer, but if no one is listening, isn't it just meditation? But the thing is, I believe that God is there listening, it's just the lack of intervention that has been hard to rationalize. Anyway, I agree that there must be value in the journey. Somehow, I will be stronger, it's just really hard to see right now.

Anonymous said...

Too often, I find myself thinking the same thoughts, wondering about the same things and weeping for the same struggle. A lot of times I also do not know what to pray for anymore. However, I tell myself to keep the faith. Faith that God knows our deepest desires, and that God is not a selfish God. The homily last Sunday was about how vast the universe is, and yet it is just minuscule next to God's infinite wisdom. Perhaps we are not equipped to understand why we have not yet been blessed with the child we are longing for. But we can keep the faith and make our journey worthwhile, and have faith that we will reach our destination.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Ive had a hard but growing experience as we have gone through this journey the past year--I have grown in my faith, but its also been the MOST tested its ever been...and we're not done yet. SO through all that rambling, I just hope we can all understand God's big picture for each one of us...

Princess Ang-hamin said...

I just "stumbled" upon your blog and found it very inspirational.

I love how you said "I will make the trip and learn what I can along the way...I am much harder on myself than God would ever be."

I couldn't agree more.

Nichole said...

This is the first time I have read your blog and I must say this post really hit home for me. After my third failed IUI cycle, I just stopped going to church. That was a month ago and I haven't been able to get myself to church since. I haven't even been able to pick up my bible.
Thank you so much for writing this post. It really made me feel like I am not alone in my spiritual struggle with all of this infertility stuff.