Leaving Home

Thank you so much for all of your kind words and encouragement. I am anxious about the ultrasound on Wednesday morning but I am going to try to stay positive. The few hormones I do have are kicking my ass right now and I am taking the nausea and loss of appetite as a good sign.

Tomorrow M and I are leaving for a wedding. Actually, it's two friends marrying each other. I take full credit for the set-up, by the way. It will be really lovely, but we are leaving Luke at home. My parents are driving in from Austin and will be taking care of Luke for the weekend. I know that he will be fine, but this is going to be so hard. I've never left him for more than a few hours and it is KILLING me already. This is probably good for us, though, and a little extra sleep in te morning will be very welcome.

Even so, it will be hard to leave this face behind:




Please go over and offer Teal congratulations and blessings for a long and happy marriage! I love it when two wonderful people get married. It makes things seem right in the world.

I Am Legend

About a week ago I realized that I was late. It didn't really bother me since my cycles have been slightly longer lately, but with the same late ovulation and short luteal phase. I had one lonely little pregnancy test left over from those days and decided it might be sort of liberating to POAS, get a negative, and be ok with that. Except for one thing. It wasn't negative. I stared at that stick for what seemed like an eternity. This has to be some sort of fucking joke, I thought to myself. When I told M he just looked at me like I just started speaking Chinese. Several hours and three positive tests later I was in my OB's office getting a blood draw.

After calling several times for my results I realized why it was so frustrating. At the RE's office, every pregnancy is a miracle. At the regular OBs office, you're just another woman who's knocked up. When I finally got a nurse on the phone I found out that my beta was good (1900) but my progesterone was really, really low (8.9). I don't know if anyone has ever taken progesterone troches, but they dissolve in your mouth and it's not fun. Three times a day I would have to have this square piece of peppermint flavored yuck between my cheek and gums. Then the spotting started, anyway. I called my OB begging for suppositories and she said that I needed to go back to the RE.

This morning I went to Dr. Fast's office. I have to admit that I am more comfortable there. The quiet waiting room and the attention you get is a nice change from the OB's office. (I really do love my OB, though) I was questioned, more blood was taken, and then I had a date with my old friend the dildo cam. I kept telling myself that whatever happened, it would be ok. We weren't even planning this. There is something in there, for sure, but it may be too early to see a heartbeat. The Dr. showed me a flicker that looked like a heart was trying to start, but he insisted that given my late ovulation date, it was too early.

I feel numb. I am in shock. Luke is 8 months old. This was supposed to be hard for us, and now that it has happened without conscientiously planning it, I am very cautious. I don't think I'll be able to really acknowldege this until I see a steady, measurable heart beat. Am I one of those urban legends of pregnancy? I don't know, but I am scared and definitely freaked out.

I am keeping this on the DL for right now, as you can probably understand. If you know me in "real life" or on facebook, please keep in mind that I really don't plan on telling my family or in-person friends for quite a while.

Thanks for listening.

Up and Almost Running

*children mentioned with Photos*

We had to get a baby gate. Luke's crawling and determination to escape have gotten to be too much, so he is now trapped in his room. Don't feel too badly, though, his room is pretty cool. Already he is pulling himself up on the gate and I can just tell that his little mind is trying to figure out how to get that thing open.



This kind of change seems gradual to me. Luke grows every day, I know, but I don't always see it. My parents marvel at how much he changes from one visit to the next, but I only see it if I look back at old photos. When you are in the midst of change it is sometimes hard to see how quickly it is happening.

We like to take walks through our local park. In my continuing effort to become a somewhat decent photographer, I always bring my camera. My goal is to change the way I see the world. Good photographers take a scene that looks boring or mundane and make it worth examining. Places I used to walk by without a glance get a little more consideration.

I like my new found identity as a more visual person. For so long I was a musician only. I heard and that was all I needed to do. Now that I am seeing a little more of what's around me, I don't get the sense that life is passing me by as much as I used to. That is the kind of examination I hope I can give my child. With children, change may just be subtle, yet constant shifting of what is normal. I want to try to notice it more than I do now. Laundry can wait. Dishes can wait. Luke won't wait. He changes every day and I hope I remember to notice that and appreciate it a little more.

This and That

It's a gloomy day here in Houston, but rain means a cold front is moving in, which means we will have a beautiful weekend. I have a few things that I need to do, blog-wise, so I'll take this opportunity to clear my in-basket. It's a little bit of randomness, much like this hamburger bird house I saw in my neighborhood:

First, I was given an award! I never get these little bloggy awards, and I was so happy when Cheryl listed me!

The Oops Award was created and is to be given to bloggers who inspire others with their humor and their talents, also for contributing to the blogging world in whatever medium. When you receive this award it is considered a special honor. Once you have received this award, you are to pass it on to others.

The rules for passing this honor on:

1) Pick 5 blogs that you would like to award this honor to. (I picked 6 because they were just that good!)
2) Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.
3) Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.
4) Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of “Oops” blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.

So, here are my award winners!

From the Mixed-Up Files of the Siegels
One Tantrum Away From a Breakdown
Fertile Myrtle My Ass
A Bad Mommy's Blog
Mountain Momma
Gust Gab

Ok, go and check out these blogs!

I was also tagged in a meme by A Bad Mommy:

1. How long have you been a Mom? 8 Months

2. How many children call you Mommy? 1

3. Girl? Boy? or both?: Boy

4. Did you know what you were having? Oh, yes. No surprises, thanks.

5. How old were you when you became a Mom? 32

6. How long were you in labor? Scheduled C-Section - Luke was breach

7. What’s your favorite thing about being a Mom? Just being with Luke and M as a family.

8. What’s your least favorite thing? Feeling like I have too much to do and not enough time.

9. Do you want more kids? Yes

10. Do you plan on having more soon? Yeah, I don't "plan" when it comes to getting pregnant. I take what I can get!

11. How many times have you been pee’d on? More time than I care to count.

12. Barfed on? Oh, yes.

13. Is your child named after anyone? Not really.

14. How did you come up with their name? In church on Christmas eve.

15. When your child gets in trouble, who is the bad guy? Both of us. Poor kid.

16. What is the longest you have been away from your children? A few hours.

17. Bedtime routine? Bath, naked time, PJs, milk, sleep

18. Are your toes painted? Yeah, right.

19. Last movie you saw in the theater? I have NO idea.

20. One thing you will not give up just because you’re a mom? Grad school.

21. One thing you did give up now that you’re a mom: Happy hours every Friday.

22. Best Mom perk: All of it. I wasn't sure if I would get to be a mom, so I try to appreciate everything.

23. Snack, you sneak bites from your child? Not really into mushy food.

24. When the kid is napping, you are: Cleaning/facebook/reading/TV

25. Where is your child(ren) now? Daycare

26. Favorite place to buy maternity clothes? Old Navy

27. If I could do it over…I would have appreciated my time at home more.

28. Did it turn out the way you expected? Yes and no. I think that, overall, it's been everything I thought with some extra stress and extra wonderfulness thrown in.

Have any thoughts? Answer these questions on your blog!

Lastly, I have a confession: I stalk my own site meter. I love it. I love looking to see where my readers are and where they come from. The best part is looking at the google searches. Here are some I have gotten recently:

Muslim baby turns 40 days (when the hell did I talk about that?)

Red Sox Haircut

Holger Danske T-Shirt

I can't help you with the t-shirt, but here is Holger waiting patiently for someone to attack the Danes.

I'm Positive

I'm not a sunshiny, precious moments type of person (not that there is anything wrong with precious moments, although their big eyes kind of freak me out). My sense of humor could probably be described as a bit sarcastic. The older I get (or feel) the more I have come to appreciate the power of positive thinking. I know that sounds trite, but stay with me. During the whole ttc journey, I had moments of positivity and moments that I thought the world was going to end. I realized that in those positive moments I really did feel ok. Now, with my brother's divorce weighing heavily on my mind, I am trying to harness some of that positive feeling and energy. I realized when I spoke with my brother last week that he was doing the same thing. He was looking ahead to a day when everything wouldn't hurt so much and life would seem normal again. I have decided to try and adapt that kind of thinking into my everyday life. All too often I miss the good things because I am too caught up in the frustrations of traffic, school and daily minutia. One of my favorite books talks about this very idea. It may not be particularly sincere at first, but once you allow it to enter into your being, it becomes a part of you. In short, fake it 'til you make it. I feel like the craziness of life has distracted me from seeing the good that surrounds me. I have a lot to be thankful for. So, I'm going to try this out. Even if my only positive is my nightly glass of wine, I'll make it a point to really enjoy it. I have a feeling that I will find more than just wine, though.

Some other positive things I have noticed, lately.....

I'm sure you remember that I mentioned the Liz Goodman Logelin 5K and the donations (you can still donate at Matt's blog). Well, Matt had a nice post about how some of that money helped someone who needed it. Go here to read about it.

JJ, who has helped bring together many of the IF bloggers, has just found out that she and Mook will be joining Team Blue! Please go and congratulate her if you haven't already.

Lastly, Teal told me about this site. I can't believe I never came across it, but please go and visit. I hope you can add your own story.

Giving

It's October which means that Christmas merchandise should be in the stores...oh, wait. I've already seen it in the stores. Well, now that the holidays are upon us, so are the demands on our time and money from charities. I haven't been Catholic for long, but I am at least Catholic enough to feel guilt about how much I have been given in my life. I have a home that is in no threat of foreclosure, a car, a job, and a comfortable life. Then, there are the intangibles I have: love, education, emotional security. All of these things and non-things let me know that I am very, very lucky. My knee jerk reaction is to give 'till it hurts. My sense of self and place in this world revolves largely around the concept that I am a part of a collective. Despite the communist overtones of that sentence, I hope you see what I mean. I have been reminded recently that no matter how spread out we may be in the geographic sense, we are all a part of a world that is very, very small.

Your communities need you and your gifts, but I also think there is value in helping those that are far away. We're all in this together, even if we aren't really together. I feel very indebted to the blogging community. When I needed I little bit of understanding, they were there, and "there" was all over the world. Now that things have evened out a bit, I try to reach out and give as much as a can the way that others gave to me. If you are looking for a way to do that, as well, here are a few ideas:

Liz Goodman Logelin Memorial 5K Fund
The first annual LGL5K was held a few weeks ago and if you want to see the photos, go here. The money raised is going to help young widows/widowers. If you have never gone over and visited Matt's blog, please do. You can donate to the fund by clicking on the PayPal button on the upper right hand side of the page.

U.T.E.R.U.S. (Union To Expedite Relief Until Self Fulfillment) This was started by Mel and some others who use it to help those in need in the infertility community. This round, there are two very worthy causes. They are taking donations or you can donate to an e-bay auction that is also being created. For information, go here.

I think Mel put it into words better than I ever could:

U.T.E.R.U.S. is unique because it's a lot like stone soup. While a carrot and a stalk of celery and a potato all held separately can't make a pot of vegetable soup, when you dump them together, you get something delicious. And while a single person may not have the means to give all the vegetables necessary for soup, a single carrot, stalk of celery, or potato is rarely missed.

The point to this type of giving is not to dig deep into your pockets when you have so many needs yourself. The point is to donate what you won't miss--the books you would have sold at a garage sale, ad space on your blog, points you weren't using. And the magic is that all of these things come together to fulfill someone else's need.

Do what you can, when you can and where you can. There is no gesture too small.