I Am Legend

About a week ago I realized that I was late. It didn't really bother me since my cycles have been slightly longer lately, but with the same late ovulation and short luteal phase. I had one lonely little pregnancy test left over from those days and decided it might be sort of liberating to POAS, get a negative, and be ok with that. Except for one thing. It wasn't negative. I stared at that stick for what seemed like an eternity. This has to be some sort of fucking joke, I thought to myself. When I told M he just looked at me like I just started speaking Chinese. Several hours and three positive tests later I was in my OB's office getting a blood draw.

After calling several times for my results I realized why it was so frustrating. At the RE's office, every pregnancy is a miracle. At the regular OBs office, you're just another woman who's knocked up. When I finally got a nurse on the phone I found out that my beta was good (1900) but my progesterone was really, really low (8.9). I don't know if anyone has ever taken progesterone troches, but they dissolve in your mouth and it's not fun. Three times a day I would have to have this square piece of peppermint flavored yuck between my cheek and gums. Then the spotting started, anyway. I called my OB begging for suppositories and she said that I needed to go back to the RE.

This morning I went to Dr. Fast's office. I have to admit that I am more comfortable there. The quiet waiting room and the attention you get is a nice change from the OB's office. (I really do love my OB, though) I was questioned, more blood was taken, and then I had a date with my old friend the dildo cam. I kept telling myself that whatever happened, it would be ok. We weren't even planning this. There is something in there, for sure, but it may be too early to see a heartbeat. The Dr. showed me a flicker that looked like a heart was trying to start, but he insisted that given my late ovulation date, it was too early.

I feel numb. I am in shock. Luke is 8 months old. This was supposed to be hard for us, and now that it has happened without conscientiously planning it, I am very cautious. I don't think I'll be able to really acknowldege this until I see a steady, measurable heart beat. Am I one of those urban legends of pregnancy? I don't know, but I am scared and definitely freaked out.

I am keeping this on the DL for right now, as you can probably understand. If you know me in "real life" or on facebook, please keep in mind that I really don't plan on telling my family or in-person friends for quite a while.

Thanks for listening.