It's raining this morning and I wish I could have stayed in bed. The weather is matching my mood today. I am slowly letting go of my positive outlook for this cycle. My temps are high enough to have ovulated but not high enough to be encouraging. My body is showing no signs of anything but the usual, wonderful PMS. It just doesn't feel right.
I am also letting go of the hope I had for an unassisted pregnancy and reaching out towards an attitude of "maybe it won't take too long." Underneath it all is fear and a bruised ego. It's hard to admit that you need help and I am particularly bad at it. I was unprepared for the feelings of inadequacy that rise up in me now when I speak to people who have children or people who are pregnant. It's like I am being kept out of a club that I desperately want to join. When it comes to this, though, I know that letting go of my silly pride is the only way I am going to be successful.
One thing I am profoundly grateful for is M. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Sunday and I realized that I am so lucky to have his love and support. I love the picture I posted at the top. There we are, together and facing the same direction. Whatever happens I know that we will handle it together with faith and as much good humor as possible.
I don't know what the lesson will ultimately be, but I know what I am being taught right now.
I am being taught that insensitivity, unintentional as it may be, knows no bounds.
I am being taught that the uneducated pre-wanting-a-baby Kate may not have gotten along with IF Kate
I am being taught that generosity and kindness do exist in surprising places and just when you need it.
Thank you so much to the braces bunch ladies who have sent me cards recently. Caro, Jen, Winks, Farah and Artblog really made my day and I am so glad that we are doing this! (It's not too late to join.)
I guess the only thing to do is keep going. It brings to mind a Chinese saying:
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.