Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Rainy Days and Tuesdays...

It's raining this morning and I wish I could have stayed in bed. The weather is matching my mood today. I am slowly letting go of my positive outlook for this cycle. My temps are high enough to have ovulated but not high enough to be encouraging. My body is showing no signs of anything but the usual, wonderful PMS. It just doesn't feel right.

I am also letting go of the hope I had for an unassisted pregnancy and reaching out towards an attitude of "maybe it won't take too long." Underneath it all is fear and a bruised ego. It's hard to admit that you need help and I am particularly bad at it. I was unprepared for the feelings of inadequacy that rise up in me now when I speak to people who have children or people who are pregnant. It's like I am being kept out of a club that I desperately want to join. When it comes to this, though, I know that letting go of my silly pride is the only way I am going to be successful.

One thing I am profoundly grateful for is M. We celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Sunday and I realized that I am so lucky to have his love and support. I love the picture I posted at the top. There we are, together and facing the same direction. Whatever happens I know that we will handle it together with faith and as much good humor as possible.

I don't know what the lesson will ultimately be, but I know what I am being taught right now.

I am being taught that insensitivity, unintentional as it may be, knows no bounds.

I am being taught that the uneducated pre-wanting-a-baby Kate may not have gotten along with IF Kate

I am being taught that generosity and kindness do exist in surprising places and just when you need it.

Thank you so much to the braces bunch ladies who have sent me cards recently. Caro, Jen, Winks, Farah and Artblog really made my day and I am so glad that we are doing this! (It's not too late to join.)

I guess the only thing to do is keep going. It brings to mind a Chinese saying:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.


Inconceivable said...

support systems are the greatest... so glad that you have such a loving/supportive husband ..it's kinda like the cherry on top

TeamWinks said...

I'm of the philosophy of "I don't care how you get me that way, but damn it get me pregnant..." However, I can understand that standing up and saying, "Hi, my name is Kate, and I'm infertile and need help," would be tough. However, you have a whole group of us out here ready to say, "Hi Kate," right back to ya'. We're all here for you.

Courtney said...

Happy Anniversary! That is a beautiful picture of your special day and it does truly help to remember the love that drives our want to have a baby.

I sincerely hope there are brighter days ahead for you...

Posey said...

Just found your blog and I love it. Well, not the fact that you aren't pg yet, but your writing style, etc.

We have some stuff in common. My hubby and I started TTC after 1 year of marriage (we are starting month 3 now). I also gained weight after going off the pill and I also wonder what this means about my hormones.

I know I am only on month 3, so I can't complain/worry yet. I hope your RE appt. goes well and things happen quickly.

Baby Blues said...

I just got your postcard. Lovely! Thanks for remembering Mr. Kite and I. It really brightened up our day! Thanks.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Happy belated Anniversary--so glad you all have such a loving understanding relationship--like a well oiled machine!

I am so glad the BB is bringing smiles to you=)

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

Happy anniversary- that church is beautiful!

I wonder if there are women with children who wish they could be in the IF club?

Nah, probably not....still we have each other :)